Next month, February 15th will be my 15th year in recovery

When I first got here, (knew I was a lifer but that was as ok as it could be) I expected that NOW I'm in recovery...LIFE is just gonna MAGICALLY get better for me...The dark will become light and no more problems/hardships/pain, etc. because ROSE is in the programm.

yea, Instant gratification is what I expected....what the heck!!! I waited long enough...Didn't this G-d owe me??? Didn't LIFE owe me????  That was my mindset

Well, guess what!!! The problems still arose..i lost a good paying jobs..I had multiple deaths in family or close friends..Setbacks galore

But something told me to STAY in the program!!!  Stick it out!!!  Yea, you're hurting more because you are facing it more..Not running away, but standing up and facing it..yea, its gonna suck for a while, and even then, life is gonna hammer you---------BUT---------its different!!!  I was becoming different

Sure!! I raged at this g-d , I even cursed it, cursed my "bad karma" fought everything that resisted me, I worked the steps, but they hadn't taken root yet because I was still fighting and resisting LIFE and LIFE happens to everyone...I thought because I was compromised, PTSD/GAD, that life would "give me a pass" like gee, havn't I had enough???   That was my mindset and I even almost quit program a couple of times..Too hard..Too much pain...Step 4 ripped me to shreds at first because the fact that I always was the "honest and true" type, i faced it honestly..even brutally...I hated me MORE with all the defects I dug up...

Those early days, I could NEVER do again...Looking back, it made boot camp look like a pajama party...Oh yea, I remember as I sit here welcoming in the new year....

All I can liken it to is I have this reeeel bad tooth and its aching adn paining me but not a productive type pain...I go to the dentist and hes gotta twist and pull and coax and pull some more as I sit in the chair nearly passing out from the pain and then FINALLY he gets it out and I am bleeding and shaking and hurting MORE, but the tooth is out..and also the moribund infection that it carried...yea, my "recovery" mouth was sore as hell for a while, but then new tissue began to fill that gaping, sore hole, and I began to, easy does it at first, CHEW on that side, and the pain is gone.....now that was productive pain...I got something out of that pain....so I compare that to my recovery....Pain??? oh yea!!! BIG time, but THIS time I am getting something out of that pain....

Recovery NEVER promised me a rose garden...it NEVER promised me that life would not be brutal at times and that I would not have bad times, it NEVER promised me a magical wonderland that happens only in Disneyland....No!!! It never did...what it DID promise me was:

I would get to know me and even see the good along with the not so good and still be "OK"

I would THINK better and therefore see options that didn't exist for me before

I would have healthy folks to share my ups and my downs with and who accepted me AS IS

I would live a more honest and open and willing life so that good things CAN happen to me now

I would give up the fighting and resisting and be able to just let it go..walk away..let the universe deal and I keep my sanity

I would be able to get all my wounded selves together in one body and be whole

I would become my own good, loving, caring parent, and lessen my fears and feeling helpless in the process

I would be able to hold up my end of a GOOD relationship and have meaningful and mutual exchanges with better, healthier, more loving, FULL well people rather then the users and losers I felt I belonged with

I would develop a self love and therefore not want to be around toxic, shallow well people because I know now, I deserve better

I would learn how to stand up for me, state my needs, what I will accept and what I wont' accept and I am not afraid to remove me from the person, place or thing that violates my boundaries...

I would learn compassion...For others...For ME!!! 

I would no longer "sweat" the nickle dime aggravations of life but to just cast them away and move one

I can re-boot my day as often as needed till I get a day that I "like"

I can say what I mean, mean what I say and not be a snarling, venom spewing  komodo dragon in the process

And, Oh yea, LIFE--I can "do life" a whole lot better...in days of old, LIFE, to me, was a curse to mankind, a punishment of sorts that some of us had to "ride out" because some ditsy little female wandered into a garden , saw a juicy piece of fruit..And because she was not in Overeaters Anon, grabbed it and stuffed herself with that fruit and more and also fed it to her old man..so ALL of us had to "do time" over it... Oh yea, I was really jaded about life

Now?? Life can be a bitch..No doubt..But it can be fun...downright pleasurable at times....spontaneous...adventurous, even...its not that LIFE changed, it is because I Changed...Life is gonna be life...Good , bad, inbetween and I am gonna be ME...Growing..Learning..Open to new ways of thinking/acting/living..Honest..Willing...tough, yet KIND!!! 

Recovery promised me that if I CHANGE my "me of me" , I could change for the better my life and how I live it..