It's been awhile since I last posted...but for those that helped me thru so much back then, I wanted to pop in and say hi.

I delved head first into the Program making two f2f meetings a week, working the Steps and keeping in contact daily w/either my sponsor or someone in Alanon.

Months ago I was wrestling w/the idea of leaving a spouse who was actively drinking, but things just didn't seem to go right w/the decision in my head. He dried up but wasn't working a Program and at the suggestion of my Sponsor I decided to give it some time. My bday was 3/18 and my gift to me was an assessment of feelings and a look at reality and made a decision on what I was going to do. 3/19 I told my A. that I was looking for a house to move into.

Of course this jarred him into going to AA (whatever gets them there, right?) which totally wasn't my motive. The focus is on me now. Time for me to take care of myself.

While looking for a place to move to I have been working on a character defect of not stuffing my feelings. What once was a survival mechanism is no longer needed. The only thing is that in my recovery right now I am having feelings surface that I am starting to feel..which is very painful at times. But I know that the process is acknowledge, feel and then I can let them go. When these feelings started to resurface, I got petrified. I called my Sponsor asking "what do I do w/them"..which she lovingly told me "nothing. All you have to do is feel them." What relief to find out that no action was needed on my part than just to feel them.

I'm also working on being totally honest-which is also very difficult especially when it means that another person can be hurt by that. I'm not talking of making ammends EXCEPT when to do so would injury another, I'm speaking of everyday feelings. Facing reality of how I feel, the situation at hand and accepting it.

I've put down the three daily meditation books and picked up two of the larger hard bound books (titles escape me right now since it is in the middle of the night! lol)...one on the Steps and Traditions (blue book) and the one about being in recovery(the white one). I've been in the Program for almost 10 yrs now and never read either and what an eye opener!

The two new meetings that I have found have been a godsend! Very strong and healthy meetings.

I've set boundaries in our home in regard to living w/my A. for the time being...boundaries for my emotional and spiritual wellfair such as no physical intimacy. It has been difficult for him, but my consistency and gentle (yet firm) honesty as to what and why I have that boundary has been beneficial.

I pray daily for His will, not mine. To help me, to guide me. I'm listening to those deep down "gut" feelings instead of ignoring them.

Impatience gets the better of me sometimes as I haven't found a place to move yet..but I remind myself that what will happen will happen in its own time. All I have to do is the footwork-which I am doing.

Thank you to all who shared their love, support and strength of the Program when I really needed it...we all need each other. There is hope!