The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading begins by pointing out that many of us affected by someone's alcoholism have come to believe it is not safe to trust anyone, get close to anyone, to reveal ourselves, or to care about another person. Yet we miss having close relationships.
In Al-Anon, sponsorship can be a way of regaining trust and experiencing a positive intimate relationship. When we ask someone to be our sponsor, we show our willingness. When that person is reliable, responsive, and caring, we learn that we can trust someone. We also learn that our wonderful sponsor has boundaries and may not be available 24 hours a day every day. So we see how someone can be caring of others and still take care of themselves. When we have learned that lesson, we can practice it by passing it on.
Today's reminder: Intimacy can be one of life's great gifts. I will avail myself of its benefits by reaching out to an Al-Anon friend today.
Quote: "The interchange between sponsor and sponsored is a form of communication that will nourish both of you." -- Sponsorship - What It's All About
Alcoholism certainly affected me by destroying my trust in the one person I most wanted to trust and count on, who I thought could solve all my problems -- and that loss of trust made me so sad and angry.
This reading is a good description of what I experienced with my sponsor. And recently -- just another Al-Anon miracle -- I have started reaching out to and being reached by people in my meetings. I had been hesitant to do this for fear I would be overwhelmed and not able to say "no" to someone asking me for help. I really didn't want to be called at 3 in the morning with someone's crisis. But I am learning that my fears were unfounded, and I really am capable of telling people up front what I am able to do. That is working fine so far, and I am feeling the benefits of spiritually intimate relationships.
I had my first sponsor, the guy who saved my life, and he was great, then I got a female sponsor and I adored her...loved her to death, but it took TIME...it took LOTS of time for me to trust her with my inner most secrets and I thought she was trustworthy because she shared so much with me....
THEN, the unthinkable happened....another sponsee of hers and I made friends adn i don't even know how it came to be, but we ended up comparing notes and we both, to our horror discovered that "G" was slagging the other girl to me and slagging me to her....We confronted her with this and "fired" her as our sponsor AND we told her that IF she didn't leave our group, we would "out her" for her horrific offense...I mean we wanted ZERO to do with her....she left and we took each other as recovery mates but we were shaken to our foundations re: trusting in anyone...It still is hard for me to reeely trust a sponsor/sponsee relationship.....my BFF who is recovering alcoholic whose been in program longer than me guides me when I slip over the guard rails of my alanon/ACOA program...She, I loved for over 40 years , now...She is probably the only one I can really "come out" with....
trust is a big issue with me...hard earned...easily lost...one betrayal and thats it...IF I keep the relationship, it is from a distance...Betrayal is the one thing I don't forgive...it is too premeditated...mistakes are one thing...out and out betrayal is quite another.....
I've since healed from that awful experience, but I will never forget it.....I forgave her in time, but I never wanted much to do with her..She would call me, wanting to "make up" and I just would tell her I can't trust her and people I can't trust, i don't have much use for...She ended up developing cancer and was dying...i told her "thank you for the lessons you taught me and I'll pray for you to have peace/comfort" and I meant it, but I never loved her the way I used to....I felt compassion for her illness, but i knew I didn't cause it nor could I control it, nor could I cure it.....I think the other sponsee sent her a bunch of flowers, but she, too, distanced herself...We were kind to this lady, but we did not extend ourselves to her...She was just another person, ill, and who was terminal, whom we lifted in prayer, but did not spend much time with
I dont' know why i am even thinking of this, I guess its because she was my first "recovery love" relationship and she hurt me sooo bad...shattered my trust in the program, the everything about the 12 steps #12...I nearly walked away from the entire program , until i sat and THOUGHT!!!! AND consulted with my BFF of 40 plus years........I had to basically "start over" and my recovery mate, who has since moved on this past year, felt the same way...that betrayal nearly derailed us in our own recovery, but i kept saying to me and to her...this CANT be the rule, it HAS to be the bad luck on our part to have a traitor for a sponsor...and not all sponsors wold do that to a fragile, back then, sponsee.....
I can share my stuff here and next door, no worries because we can't SEE each other and its basically anonymous, but fac2fac or phone??? it takes me a loooong time to trust with my deeper stuff.......
Good Morning Freetime great reminder. I know that at first, I had difficulty living by the principles of this program however once I witnessed them in action- ( no gossiping,principles above personalities) i jumped right in and shared my inner most concerns. I found that I needed to trust myself and my choices in order for me to live by the alanon " philosophy and once I did that, I was free.
It is so true being able to be honest with another is a true gift and program has shown me how. Thanks for your service
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. This disease does create issues with relationships and trust - no doubt about it...I too struggled for a while. I am grateful that others suggested I look for a sponsor who has what I want as this helped me find a good fit. We say often that people show us who they really are by their actions vs. their words. I found actions do speak volumes and words have little meaning when it comes to recovery, and that helped me select a sponsor I felt I could trust.
Recovery has helped me be authentic and attract healthier people for healthier relationships. I used to have concerns if another did not like me or align with me, and I am free today because of recovery. I go out of my way to avoid toxic people, tons of drama and chaos and prefer my quiet, boring life, gifted in recovery. When I stay focused on me and doing the next right thing, I find it much easier to trust myself, my HP and treat others with respect and dignity. My sponsor is a refreshing person who doesn't get too excited about much and has a genuine calm manner. I see her as a gift and am grateful HP put her into my life.
Happy Friday all - packing my momma up for her return flight home. Stay warm and safe - looks like there is weather all over our country today!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great reading Freetime, thank you! I also suffered from lack of trust for years and years. Since program I have let one or two new people into my circle. I have turned many away over the years. I still am damaged from the effects of alcoholism, but over time I make progress. I do not think I will ever have a new romantic relationship. When my current one ends, from any reason, it shall be me and my dogs. I will keep in mind that how I feel today is not how I will feel for the rest of my life, but for now, I will work on my program and tools ODAT, Lyne
