The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the tools we are given in Alanon to better understand the disease. As we are able to separate the disease from the person who is sick, we also can remove some of the personal feelings of hurt associated with loving an A, and a different perspective about our relationships is possible.
The writer describes falling into a depression when his/her father died. There were unresolved issues related to the fathers alcoholism. At the suggestion of a therapist, the adult child began to attend alanon meetings. Through the program, the adult child began to recognize that the alcoholic father was indeed a whole person with a sickness. The relationship to this A and others in the adult childs life was able to transform.
The first meetings I attended in alanon scared me for several reasons, but one in particular was hearing people who described how alanon helped them stay in their marriages even though their A was still an active drinker. That idea terrified me. Over time I realized that people in program will get the strength they need in whatever direction that may be. It is extremely helpful for me to remember that alcoholism is a disease and an active drinker (who may seem manipulative, deceptive etc) will demonstrate symptoms but is not doing anything to personally hurt me! I began to understand that As are people worthy of love and the disease worthy of compassion. I also knew that continuing a marriage with an active A was not the right fit for me, but the program has helped me see that it is not a one size fits all- whats right for me may not be for the person next to me, and vice versa.
The greatest gift of this program for me has been to see that even this stubborn, willful Sicilian girl has an opportunity to grow in compassion and open mindedness! I dont have the responsibility or right to decide whats correct for someone else, and thats good to know!
When I first got into Al-Anon, I was sure that everybody in the whole world should leave their active drinker because I did. And I could not understand if they did not agree With me.
Now I understand that just because it was not a fit for me, being with an active addict, that does not mean that my way is the cookie-cutter way of doing life. Some folks decide to stay with their A and work their program whether the alcoholic is drinking or not and they seem to make it work. The slogan live and let live comes to mind here. What is right for me, may not be the best thing for someone else. I dont tell people to leave their alcoholics anymore. I used to do that all the time here. And sadly, I even got aggressive about it. I remember it clearly. I wish I Could remember the people I tried to push in that direction so that I could make amends to them so I guess I will do it in this post. I was wrong to approach people that way. Reading others shares and being in the meetings and listening and sometimes not sharing but you rather to keep my mouth shut and listen, has taught me that everybody has a right to walk their own path whether I agree with that or not
I know, for me, being with active drinkers or drug users is not something I want in my life. I want sober and equal and less high maintenance relationships, or I will just stay by myself. That is my choice. That is my right. And I dont expect anyone to try to argue to change me. So therefore, I do not have the right to argue with and to try and change another persons right to their choices.
Program has taught me to live and let live and it has helped me greatly to work with others even though I disagree with them.
Thanks for this reminder that I must keep the focus on me and what is right for me and let others have the dignity to live their lives the way they choose to live them
Thank you Mary for your service, the daily and your ESH. I too am grateful that the program has given me the tools to be authentic, recognize we all have issues and to just carry on one day at a time. Boy howdy, I was one who took everything personally when I arrived, and had for quite some time.
I applaud and respect everyone who stays as well as who move on. I know today that what I think matters not for anyone else. No matter what I think, no matter my experience, I truly do not know what is best for another and that includes me at times. I have watched others in recovery who have made drastic life changes, all appearing for good cause and forward movement to stall out instead as they just can not get past the blame/shame game - towards self or others.
I have freedom of choice today I never expected. I know now I don't need to shut any door for any reason at any time as my HP will lead me towards the light and away from danger so long as I remain humble and open. I can give and accept unconditional love today no matter what it feels or looks like without keeping score, wondering if.....etc. I am free from the chains that used to keep me from living my life in the present, one day at a time with extreme fear as to what was next.
I am reminded at my core today that HOW it works is simple - Honesty, Open-Mindedness, and Willingness. Finding the strength to Honesty look for my part, Open-Mindedness to be willing to change my part and Willingness to stay open to new ways of being, thinking and doing gives me a new platform each morning to accept whatever comes my way. Compassion for others was a concept to me before, whereas, because of this program, it's a way of life - Seek to Understand has been my motto all year and has been awesomely aligned with my reality!
Happy Sunday to one and all - off to my meeting and then FOOTBALL!!! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am still mildly angry- from having to adjust to circumstances- over which i had no control. Why me? And after that comes the "what if's" and the "if only's".... I know not that I was not singled out by fate- to suffer this horrible destiny. The only thing I can do is to try and turn these circumstances to advantage.
Being able to identify with other sufferers is a part of this advantage. Ensuring that my life is not a repeat of the last two or more generations... something to go for... it requires both patience and application... day by day. But is it worth the effort? Yes... ... ...
Hey David. Thank you for your share. I sure related to what you said about the what ifs and the if onlys and I too, know that I was not singled out by anybody to suffer what I did. It just is what it is and it is what it was. I try to reverse the negativity by using my Experience to help others. I can wallow in self pity Or I can make some meaning in my life. I choose to make some meaning
There is so much good ESH here, I am going to address each person individually.
Mary - Al-Anon or NA meetings scared me at first too! I was not ready to have an addictive spouse, no matter what form that came in!! All I heard in these first meetings were these older women who live with their spouse who relapse over and over and over. At one of the "after meetings" I had shared this despair with another member and my hesitation to keep coming to meetings. This kind soul told me to seek out Al-Anon, as she felt that there seemed to be more "hope" in those meetings and that may help me stay in a program. I am thankful she did. That is how I originally found MIP, and she was right - I came away from my F2F with more hope in my heart. Looking back now, I can see where my strong belief that I could not live with the constant fear of relapse developed though. But it was the initial hope that kept my mind open and gave my then recovering spouse another chance at the marriage. Sadly, it did not last, as Mistress Alcohol became my spouse's constant companion.
Rose - I was also like you and did not understand how members could live with active addiction! There were times I did post (w/my long forgotten old log-on name) for people seeking help to "RUN!" I must admit there were some posters that I just couldn't read anymore, b/c they kept repeating the same behaviors! Now I can see and understand the dynamics, more importantly, that everyone has their own journey to travel... that it is not my place to judge...that, "By the grace of God go I!" I'll be honest, if asked for my brutal, no holds barred opinion today, I would still counsel "RUN!" but now I add that YMMV, or Take What You Like and Leave the Rest. I also now understand that there are some relationships you cannot run from... that you need to learn how to coexist while staying within your own Hula Hoop!
Iamhere - THIS: "I have watched others in recovery who have made drastic life changes, all appearing for good cause and forward movement to stall out instead as they just can not get past the blame/shame game - towards self or others." I feel that I am actually trying to be stuck in the blame/shame game! I am feeling like I "should" be angry at my Ex. That my sadness - brought on by the holidays - is his fault. When in reality I had the choice to stay married. Yes, I lost everything. Yes, I had to move in with my parents. Yes, I am still working on digging myself out of the marriage debt... but when it comes down to brass tacks, I CHOSE to end this marriage. I CHOSE to be alone. I could have resisted everyone's "advice and opinions" and stayed married. And within the grief that I am just now moving through, I have the FREEDOM OF CHOICE to be "humble and open." I can choose to give and receive unconditional love - no matter in what form it comes, or with whom it comes! Your post reminds me that I can stay mired in the blame, or I can truly move on and embrace the concept of HOW. I pegged everything on being married... perhaps, just perhaps we were good "on paper" but in reality, we are better to ourselves and others when separate! If I can be WILLING to be OPEN about this possibility, then there is no need for sadness...THANK YOU, Iamhere... I may be finding my way through this sadness that has plagued me since Thanksgiving!! I am constantly humbled by the working of program by the veterans here!
David - I immediately identify with your post, David, b/c I am always saying, "Why me?" I literally gave everything I had to my marriage... so why did this have to happen to me? It is these times that I have to remind myself that addiction "happened" to my SO, and that I was just part of the wreckage. Collateral damage. Is that fair? No. Many times I get stuck trying to embrace the "It Is What It Is" mentality. That is why I feel, that I need this forum, my F2F meetings, my sponsor - even though others in my life wonder why I still attend.
This post got kind of long... but I am really working through something that has plagued me since Thanksgiving... so I appreciate everyone's indulgence here. Thank you all for being a vital part of my journey!
Peace & Love,
P&P
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Hey PNP, I just wanted to stop in and say I loved reading your honest and open and sincere post. I kind of giggled when you said you still have the urge to tell the other person to run because I do too LOL
The difference in us now is that we are willing to live and let live. I, also, have had to just stop reading some peoples posts because it seems they do not want to move beyond the victim and martyr mode and so I just send them love and move on to the ones that I can help. As long as we are in recovery we will see folks who just are stuck and just cannot get out of that rut be it shame and blame or be it victim and martyr, which I think the two kind of go together, whatever it is, we have to let go and let their higher power take care of them. You have grown so much since I have met you. I love reading your posts. You are so honest and sincere and Open and willing, if I were a book maker I would bet my money big-time on you, making it to a better and more beautiful life, the love filled life that you deserve
I see you was a winner. You are going to have many beautiful things come to you in the days and weeks and months and years to come. It has been a real pleasure watching you grow and blossom. I just wanted to say that to you.
Thank you for being a part of my recovery journey. (((((((((((PnP))))))))))
And Mary: I , too was scared stiff going to my first meeting. I had already broken with my ex but I was listening to the others who chose To stay and I was so Perplexed as to why. I heard some terrible heart breaking stories. I dont believe I shared on my first one or second meeting because I wanted to hear what others Felt. Then as I began to share, I noticed I was loved and accepted And it was unconditional. I knew I had found My safe haven in which to recover and pick up the pieces of my life.
I, too, being part Russian and East European and throw some Irish in there and yeah I can be pretty stubborn and willful but this program has softened me it has opened my mind that my way is not the only way. It is for me but it may not be for another. And I, to have learned how to be compassionate for somebody , Who I am sure, did not say their prayers as a child asking to be an addict or an alcoholic and suffering the ramifications of these horrible diseases of addictions. Even though I choose to keep them at a distance from me, that does not mean I do not feel compassion and I cant help but to say, but for the grace of my higher power, that could be me.
Rose - thank you for your kind words. They mean so much to my heart!!! Sometimes we the affected don't see our progress... so it feels so good to hear it from others! I am sincerely trying to be Open... I know that I am Willing. The best part about MIP is that those who are newer to this WOL can gain insight from those who have been working it awhile! Acceptance here... always acceptance. What a blessing!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((PnP))) - huge hugs sweetie! For me, when I am restless, irritable, discontent or overly sad, I have to cautiously examine the cause. I do believe I am my worst critic so taking stock of me when I am already left of center is not often productive. I believe it's perfectly OK to be sad. I believe it's perfectly OK to grieve the relationship, even though you chose to move on. That man was part of your life for a long, long while and if your life is like mine, when it was good - it was good....yet, when it was bad - it was also bad. There is no shame in making a decision to put you first and it's been so very helpful in my program to do gratitude lists as well as asset lists. These are awesome to keep around as comparing today to a year ago - I can see change/growth in me, how I think, how different I feel and believe, etc. I do agree that it's very hard to 'see change' in self yet when we pause long enough to really look at who we are today, we do find that we are different/growing.
I believe there is a ton of 'holiday hype' that is just not real. For me, going back to the basics of what the holidays are about has helped. I do not buy gifts for anyone as it's not their birthday - I might grab a small thing for the babies but instead, I put money into bank accounts for them. I just take the season one day at a time, and focus on what I can give vs. what I can get or what I am missing.
Be gentle with you and put your trust in the program, the process and HP. You, as I and others, are a Miracle in Progress! As I like to say - keep doing you - looks great on you. I also love --- You Got This because deep down, I believe you do. You are not alone!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your support Iamhere. I am processing why I am so sad at this time. I agree with you about the "holiday hype" though. I am thankful for the tools that Al-Anon has brought into my life!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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