Pretty great self-awareness, if you ask me, and acknowledging is almost always an early step in early recovery....

I know of what you speak - I grew up in a loving, safe home, and honestly don't understand this whole chaos thing.  My ex-AW, on the other hand, grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family with two alcoholic parents, and she feels "scared of" peace and tranquility in much the same way that you described.  We had times in our marriage where we were both getting along really well, and then something would go terribly wrong, and I couldn't put my finger on it.  She would later admit to "creating chaos", because she simply wasn't used to or comfortable with peace and tranquility....  yikes!

In another thread, a wise line was posted, that "answers don't come to a racing mind, only to a quiet one".  I really like that, and do believe that part of "our" recovery, as Al-Anoners, is to learn to stop loving/craving/needing the chaos, and to learn to feel comfortable, safe, and calm, where there is NO chaos.

 

Tom

Towards the end of the year more than any time during the year, I tend to inventory myself a bit harshly and then dig into my Alanon toolbox for the tried and true methods of letting go and to find the gift of acceptance.

I truly understand and have experienced the feelings you describe concerning comfort with chaos and discomfort with calmness and happiness. When I was in a place of contentment or feeling happy, my lack of trust in the god of understanding led me to believe that the other shoe would eventually drop. After all it always did didn't it? Just give it time, the happiness would be snatched away as per usual.

This was faulty stinking thinking, negative recall from my old life. It centered around being either told I didn't deserve this or that by others and in the midst of the insanity believing I'd been abandoned by the god of my understanding. After all what loving higher power would stand by and allow all of this to happen to me and not help me. With working the program came plenty of evidence that wasn't true. So what was causing this seemingly deep seated feeling of dis-ease? One minute revelling in good feelings and then the next a sense of panic or discomfort with letting go to feel safe to feel joyous? Physiology for sure. It was about remaining acutely aware of my physical, emotional and spiritual condition just like recovering alcoholics because although I might not be one, I suffer the affects of an intertwinement (enmeshment) with alcoholism. I had some emotional triggers when I was early in recovery. I had to accept them as a part of me and sort of embrace them until with the help of my hp and the program those extremes could become balanced. You know we say in the program there are no "good" or "bad" feelings just feelings. That's a wonderful reminder of just how gentle a program Alanon is. There is no rush to recover. I am recovering daily and always will be taking it a day at a time. I have plenty of Alanon tools like the tool of gratitude you mentioned in your post, meetings, healthier people in my life etc. I also have found yoga, other physical exercise, doing service outside the program all to be great tools for levelling out my emotions. Today, I pretty much know what is "normal" emotionally for me and know when I feel off. So, those extras I mentioned are things that aid in helping me feel balanced again.

I also understand about those residual resentments you mentioned. Yes, as mentioned the answers are always with ourself. Have you ever noticed how someone else can let some pesky annoyance go that really irks you personally? I notice this about myself. We are all different but reminds me that if something is issue for me, it's about me and not the other person's action, words, thinking. My reaction is mine to own until I can with my higher power's help change my mind.

I acted out in the way Tom's loved one did in my early years of Alanon recovery. Again everyone is different but the for me that behavior was a method of trying to push away those who loved me and believing if I gave you my worst and you stuck around I could trust that you wouldn't abandon me. Thankfully, that was resolved with a spiritual awakening and remains so because of a loving relationship with a higher power that loves me unconditionally. Again, that behavior was the result of a faulty belief system that led me to believe I was not worthy, didn't deserve happiness.

I hope you continue to to enjoy your life today as a recovering Alanon was it unfolds and your higher power lovingly reveals more and more progress, healthy relationships, thinking and gifts of serenity to you ((((SerenityRus))) We're told in Alanon that we are right where we are meant to be today. Enjoy! You're worth it! :)  TT

-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 10th of December 2018 10:07:43 AM

I am reminded of a meeting I went to many years ago, a meeting where "three new women" walked in, visiting from another state. They were not newcomers though, they were very wise..... like, perfect grandmothers. I especially remember one woman saying,

"We must first minister to ourselves."

The word "minister" was unforgettable.

Your post reminds me of my own grief... grieving all the "old ideas" that I had for my life that would never come true.

How often I thought I had passed through a grieving period only to find myself on the floor crying yet again. When grief circled around...and I found that it did again and again... I learned that it's not a signal that we're doing anything "wrong" in recovery!!

It's merely a signal to "minister to" and befriend ourselves... by dropping the shame and time limit restrictions. It's simply a time to put our hand over our heart and affirm:

"I am here for you."

:) Thank you, .. it's been a rough week just trying to figure a few things out and being continually reminded I don't have to have the answers today and when I need them they will be there provided I choose to pay attention!! :)

Both professionally, and personally, I've experienced that some people -- for many reasons -- need chaos, drama, turmoil, etc., either some or all of them, and to some extent, in their lives. It's the enigmatic issue of why do I want/need something, that I swear I really don't want, and that may not be good for me. I went through a phase like this myself. This is one of the reasons why many people feel that alcoholics are attracted to them or that they are attracted to alcoholics. At one time in my life, I told my sponsor, put a hundred women in the room, and if one of them is an alcoholic...either they would find me or I would find them! LOL. There is some truth to that however.

So, for me, in my experience, it was a case of misinterpretation and misunderstanding. I misunderstood, misinterpreted, I misread, or whatever you want to call it, what I thought was a person with passion, who was caring, and had conviction, and more qualities that I thought I was looking for, thought were good for me, were a good fit...but turned out to be drama, chaos, turmoil, and more of the like. I've heard in the rooms, "our picker is broken" so to speak, LOL. However, for others, they don't like calm, quiet, everything being OK, etc. They are waiting, and waiting, for whatever to go wrong. They are waiting for the next incident, the next drama to come along. Because they are used to it. It's their norm. The calmness of being OK upsets them. They are not used to dealing with it, and sometimes don't know how. They don't know how to handle it and enjoy it. It's like the woman who suffers from battered wife syndrome. Why does she go back to the person who hits her, abuses her, hurts her? Sometimes, we need to create problems where they do not exist. To some extent, it's like a self-sabotage. It's not uncommon. We force things to go wrong, when they are going right, when there is nothing there, and if there is, it is so minor, and we can make it so major.

For me -- I found the answer was acceptance, surrender, and then letting go. I had to learn to trust...myself...and that being OK was a good thing and I deserved it. I little by slowly, and had to focus on, just letting it be, letting it happen, and enjoying it. I worked on it with my sponsor and my coach. I started to do things -- very specific things -- designed to help me enjoy. Even brief moments. Laugh if you want, but I went for a massage. I got a manicure and pedicure. I bought myself a new sweater, something I really wanted and would enjoy. I had to take small steps. This entire thing involves one of the struggles we face in alanon...CHANGE. It takes a change in our thinking, actions, reactions, and more.

What was also important...keeping my head where my feet were. Living One Day At A Time. Seriously. Not just the phrase or the slogan. Actually making changes so that It takes focus. It's not easy to change one's innate thinking. But, with help, with a process, with effort, with objectivity and accountability... we can. All the best.

Sending you love today, SerenityRUS.

(((hugs))))

Hi, S! Thank you for sharing, I loved reading this thread. I recently experienced a "small scale" episode of similar feelings. My ex kept writing me emails and although they go to my spam box I can still see I've got 1,2,3 or whatever number of spam mails... He's persistent for sure. For at least a year I wished he would stop writing to me so I would have peace, and then for years before that I hoped he would ease up with the communication in other ways too. Well, he did stop writing and after a week or two I found myself feeling kind of longing for the next email in my spam box from him, although I generally don't even read them because that just stresses me out normally. I am able to see the funny side in this, though, which is a big thing for me. I hope you get through whatever it is exactly sooner rather than later. ((Hugs))

 

 

THANKS SERENITY!!! for sharing the journey with us...makes me feel confident in the lessons that come from shared experiences.   ((((hugs))))