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Post Info TOPIC: When things are going right ..


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3218
Date:
When things are going right ..


I have reached a different sense of awareness during the holidays.  I have lived most of my life in chaos and now that things have leveled out that's not to say things are perfect and I don't expect them to be however the level of chaos is outweighed by the level of calm and it's usually intense chaos which sucks.  I am so sad right now and I have no reason to be sad. 

I don't like it .. it's uncomfortable .. I cry a LOT and it could be some things in terms of hormones .. letting my oldest go .. yet again .. I will miss him fiercely.  This time is going to hurt more on the letting go because I know he's going to be ok.  I can't protect him from other people's ignorance and this mama bear isn't really ready to let go in that regard.  I have to find a way to do so because it will be so much better for the kid.  

It's still hard to find a balance of I feel ok and it's ok to be ok.  I really don't like the calm.  It feels weird.  It's the waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Ironically I would be easier to live in the chaos of the A because I'm prepared to deal with that.  I have a loving family around me.  I have a very supportive boyfriend who makes me crazy however I am honestly looking for problems that are not there.  I enjoy my kids and my life.  We have had such a lovely month and a half of celebrations and new experiences.  I am grateful. 

It's been a daily struggle to leave the house .. I just want to stay in my own little bubble.  I don't feel like it's anything I need medication to work through .. it means I need to work my steps and move forward .. I am in new territory .. so I have set a time limit for myself of should the beginning of the year roll around and I am still struggling just as hard .. I am going to look at going back into therapy.  I would love to attend alanon meetings .. they are not at convenient times which is unfortunate.  I really need and want the face to face experience because that works best for me.  The other thing I am going to start doing is reading my devotionals again .. and some affirming books about being happy and having it be ok. 

How weird is it .. I have to live in 5 min at a time today because I am terrified of being happy when I have spent years struggling to come to a point of happy .. now to figure out what that all means in the moment. 

Big hugs, S :)

 



__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2841
Date:

Pretty great self-awareness, if you ask me, and acknowledging is almost always an early step in early recovery....

I know of what you speak - I grew up in a loving, safe home, and honestly don't understand this whole chaos thing.  My ex-AW, on the other hand, grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family with two alcoholic parents, and she feels "scared of" peace and tranquility in much the same way that you described.  We had times in our marriage where we were both getting along really well, and then something would go terribly wrong, and I couldn't put my finger on it.  She would later admit to "creating chaos", because she simply wasn't used to or comfortable with peace and tranquility....  yikes!

In another thread, a wise line was posted, that "answers don't come to a racing mind, only to a quiet one".  I really like that, and do believe that part of "our" recovery, as Al-Anoners, is to learn to stop loving/craving/needing the chaos, and to learn to feel comfortable, safe, and calm, where there is NO chaos.

 

Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3218
Date:

Tom,

Thanks. I think you have hit the nail on the head about the issue of needing to create chaos even though there is nothing there .. my home life was not stable growing up and coupled with being married 2x and having tremendous crazy going on there the idea that things are ok feels off balance in some ways. I think I would like to get married again however after 2x I'm not in any hurry.

I have so much to be grateful for this includes the new sense of calm vs calamity.

I know I was talking earlier about the whole issue of anger at my AH which was really more about me being mad at me and I think I still need to really work on self forgiveness. I still have resentments with my X and here I have come to a place of calm those justifiable ones are boogers for me. Self forgiveness is everything at this point I think and if I can get over that hump I can live the best version of me.

Getting there is sooo hard right now. I just know I can't wait to get there any longer.

I don't know how to be happy and let it be as it's never been an option and what a wonderful option to have after all of this time.

Hugs S :)



__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay

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