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Post Info TOPIC: When things are going right ..


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3364
Date:
When things are going right ..


I have reached a different sense of awareness during the holidays.  I have lived most of my life in chaos and now that things have leveled out that's not to say things are perfect and I don't expect them to be however the level of chaos is outweighed by the level of calm and it's usually intense chaos which sucks.  I am so sad right now and I have no reason to be sad. 

I don't like it .. it's uncomfortable .. I cry a LOT and it could be some things in terms of hormones .. letting my oldest go .. yet again .. I will miss him fiercely.  This time is going to hurt more on the letting go because I know he's going to be ok.  I can't protect him from other people's ignorance and this mama bear isn't really ready to let go in that regard.  I have to find a way to do so because it will be so much better for the kid.  

It's still hard to find a balance of I feel ok and it's ok to be ok.  I really don't like the calm.  It feels weird.  It's the waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Ironically I would be easier to live in the chaos of the A because I'm prepared to deal with that.  I have a loving family around me.  I have a very supportive boyfriend who makes me crazy however I am honestly looking for problems that are not there.  I enjoy my kids and my life.  We have had such a lovely month and a half of celebrations and new experiences.  I am grateful. 

It's been a daily struggle to leave the house .. I just want to stay in my own little bubble.  I don't feel like it's anything I need medication to work through .. it means I need to work my steps and move forward .. I am in new territory .. so I have set a time limit for myself of should the beginning of the year roll around and I am still struggling just as hard .. I am going to look at going back into therapy.  I would love to attend alanon meetings .. they are not at convenient times which is unfortunate.  I really need and want the face to face experience because that works best for me.  The other thing I am going to start doing is reading my devotionals again .. and some affirming books about being happy and having it be ok. 

How weird is it .. I have to live in 5 min at a time today because I am terrified of being happy when I have spent years struggling to come to a point of happy .. now to figure out what that all means in the moment. 

Big hugs, S :)

 



__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2924
Date:

Pretty great self-awareness, if you ask me, and acknowledging is almost always an early step in early recovery....

I know of what you speak - I grew up in a loving, safe home, and honestly don't understand this whole chaos thing.  My ex-AW, on the other hand, grew up in a terribly dysfunctional family with two alcoholic parents, and she feels "scared of" peace and tranquility in much the same way that you described.  We had times in our marriage where we were both getting along really well, and then something would go terribly wrong, and I couldn't put my finger on it.  She would later admit to "creating chaos", because she simply wasn't used to or comfortable with peace and tranquility....  yikes!

In another thread, a wise line was posted, that "answers don't come to a racing mind, only to a quiet one".  I really like that, and do believe that part of "our" recovery, as Al-Anoners, is to learn to stop loving/craving/needing the chaos, and to learn to feel comfortable, safe, and calm, where there is NO chaos.

 

Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3364
Date:

Tom,

Thanks. I think you have hit the nail on the head about the issue of needing to create chaos even though there is nothing there .. my home life was not stable growing up and coupled with being married 2x and having tremendous crazy going on there the idea that things are ok feels off balance in some ways. I think I would like to get married again however after 2x I'm not in any hurry.

I have so much to be grateful for this includes the new sense of calm vs calamity.

I know I was talking earlier about the whole issue of anger at my AH which was really more about me being mad at me and I think I still need to really work on self forgiveness. I still have resentments with my X and here I have come to a place of calm those justifiable ones are boogers for me. Self forgiveness is everything at this point I think and if I can get over that hump I can live the best version of me.

Getting there is sooo hard right now. I just know I can't wait to get there any longer.

I don't know how to be happy and let it be as it's never been an option and what a wonderful option to have after all of this time.

Hugs S :)



__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2405
Date:

Towards the end of the year more than any time during the year, I tend to inventory myself a bit harshly and then dig into my Alanon toolbox for the tried and true methods of letting go and to find the gift of acceptance.

I truly understand and have experienced the feelings you describe concerning comfort with chaos and discomfort with calmness and happiness. When I was in a place of contentment or feeling happy, my lack of trust in the god of understanding led me to believe that the other shoe would eventually drop. After all it always did didn't it? Just give it time, the happiness would be snatched away as per usual.

This was faulty stinking thinking, negative recall from my old life. It centered around being either told I didn't deserve this or that by others and in the midst of the insanity believing I'd been abandoned by the god of my understanding. After all what loving higher power would stand by and allow all of this to happen to me and not help me. With working the program came plenty of evidence that wasn't true. So what was causing this seemingly deep seated feeling of dis-ease? One minute revelling in good feelings and then the next a sense of panic or discomfort with letting go to feel safe to feel joyous? Physiology for sure. It was about remaining acutely aware of my physical, emotional and spiritual condition just like recovering alcoholics because although I might not be one, I suffer the affects of an intertwinement (enmeshment) with alcoholism. I had some emotional triggers when I was early in recovery. I had to accept them as a part of me and sort of embrace them until with the help of my hp and the program those extremes could become balanced. You know we say in the program there are no "good" or "bad" feelings just feelings. That's a wonderful reminder of just how gentle a program Alanon is. There is no rush to recover. I am recovering daily and always will be taking it a day at a time. I have plenty of Alanon tools like the tool of gratitude you mentioned in your post, meetings, healthier people in my life etc. I also have found yoga, other physical exercise, doing service outside the program all to be great tools for levelling out my emotions. Today, I pretty much know what is "normal" emotionally for me and know when I feel off. So, those extras I mentioned are things that aid in helping me feel balanced again.

I also understand about those residual resentments you mentioned. Yes, as mentioned the answers are always with ourself. Have you ever noticed how someone else can let some pesky annoyance go that really irks you personally? I notice this about myself. We are all different but reminds me that if something is issue for me, it's about me and not the other person's action, words, thinking. My reaction is mine to own until I can with my higher power's help change my mind.

I acted out in the way Tom's loved one did in my early years of Alanon recovery. Again everyone is different but the for me that behavior was a method of trying to push away those who loved me and believing if I gave you my worst and you stuck around I could trust that you wouldn't abandon me. Thankfully, that was resolved with a spiritual awakening and remains so because of a loving relationship with a higher power that loves me unconditionally. Again, that behavior was the result of a faulty belief system that led me to believe I was not worthy, didn't deserve happiness.

I hope you continue to to enjoy your life today as a recovering Alanon was it unfolds and your higher power lovingly reveals more and more progress, healthy relationships, thinking and gifts of serenity to you ((((SerenityRus))) We're told in Alanon that we are right where we are meant to be today. Enjoy! You're worth it! :)  TT



-- Edited by tiredtonite on Monday 10th of December 2018 10:07:43 AM

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Faith unsticks fear.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1295
Date:

S thank you for you post and all the above shares. I grew up in misery, fear, anxiety, and depression, and stayed stuck there for many years. If a good thing happened or I managed to feel better for a few hours or maybe even a day, I feared the low coming back. It was almost to the point of not letting myself feel good or happy because I knew it would come to an end, and I would sink back into the pit.

Especially with program, I have learned that when a good thing comes, I'm allowed to enjoy it! I'm allowed to be happy some of the time! More bad things will come, because that is life, but I am better able to cope and let things go with my Alanon tool box. Life can feel good even with bad stuff around. I have learned that my attitude is a major player in how I feel. Program teaches me a new way to live my life, and it's a much better way, Lyne

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Lyne

2HP


Senior Member

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Posts: 364
Date:


I am reminded of a meeting I went to many years ago, a meeting where "three new women" walked in, visiting from another state. They were not newcomers though, they were very wise..... like, perfect grandmothers. I especially remember one woman saying,

"We must first minister to ourselves."

The word "minister" was unforgettable.

Your post reminds me of my own grief... grieving all the "old ideas" that I had for my life that would never come true.

How often I thought I had passed through a grieving period only to find myself on the floor crying yet again. When grief circled around...and I found that it did again and again... I learned that it's not a signal that we're doing anything "wrong" in recovery!!

It's merely a signal to "minister to" and befriend ourselves... by dropping the shame and time limit restrictions. It's simply a time to put our hand over our heart and affirm:

"I am here for you."


__________________

 

L.O.V.E.  is Letting Others Voluntarily Evolve

"Easy does it, but do it."  

"See the work.  Do the work.  Stay out of misery."  

  



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 526
Date:

2HP I really love your posts. THanks for this. It's going to stay with me. Thinking of you SerenityRUS

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3364
Date:

:) Thank you, .. it's been a rough week just trying to figure a few things out and being continually reminded I don't have to have the answers today and when I need them they will be there provided I choose to pay attention!! :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 650
Date:

 

 

Ahhh this post is huge.  I came to the puter and found you all hanging around supporting each others peace of mind and serenity which will nail me to my chair saying "I want some..I want some". 

 

Just one part of my own recovery comes from the lesson "Act as if".  When I Act as if I do it for real and then the negative, nasty stuff goes away.  

I do play stuff and attitude and put on the dance music in my mind and then dance to it.  It's fun and I have fun for a while sometimes allowing it to be "crazy fun" which might disturb my wife who often is like how you have been describing...un-happy and negative.  That is temporary if we wish and then will it to be which is how I want it to be.   Dance and the world doesn't come to an end with morning traffic not driving up my driveway screaming STOP IT!!

Act as if everything is okay, perfect and soon the act becomes reality.  

 

Mahalo Family for this mornings shares.  Love you all.  (((((hugs))))) biggrin 



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Jerry F
Bo


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1279
Date:

Both professionally, and personally, I've experienced that some people -- for many reasons -- need chaos, drama, turmoil, etc., either some or all of them, and to some extent, in their lives. It's the enigmatic issue of why do I want/need something, that I swear I really don't want, and that may not be good for me. I went through a phase like this myself. This is one of the reasons why many people feel that alcoholics are attracted to them or that they are attracted to alcoholics. At one time in my life, I told my sponsor, put a hundred women in the room, and if one of them is an alcoholic...either they would find me or I would find them! LOL. There is some truth to that however.

So, for me, in my experience, it was a case of misinterpretation and misunderstanding. I misunderstood, misinterpreted, I misread, or whatever you want to call it, what I thought was a person with passion, who was caring, and had conviction, and more qualities that I thought I was looking for, thought were good for me, were a good fit...but turned out to be drama, chaos, turmoil, and more of the like. I've heard in the rooms, "our picker is broken" so to speak, LOL. However, for others, they don't like calm, quiet, everything being OK, etc. They are waiting, and waiting, for whatever to go wrong. They are waiting for the next incident, the next drama to come along. Because they are used to it. It's their norm. The calmness of being OK upsets them. They are not used to dealing with it, and sometimes don't know how. They don't know how to handle it and enjoy it. It's like the woman who suffers from battered wife syndrome. Why does she go back to the person who hits her, abuses her, hurts her? Sometimes, we need to create problems where they do not exist. To some extent, it's like a self-sabotage. It's not uncommon. We force things to go wrong, when they are going right, when there is nothing there, and if there is, it is so minor, and we can make it so major.

For me -- I found the answer was acceptance, surrender, and then letting go. I had to learn to trust...myself...and that being OK was a good thing and I deserved it. I little by slowly, and had to focus on, just letting it be, letting it happen, and enjoying it. I worked on it with my sponsor and my coach. I started to do things -- very specific things -- designed to help me enjoy. Even brief moments. Laugh if you want, but I went for a massage. I got a manicure and pedicure. I bought myself a new sweater, something I really wanted and would enjoy. I had to take small steps. This entire thing involves one of the struggles we face in alanon...CHANGE. It takes a change in our thinking, actions, reactions, and more.

What was also important...keeping my head where my feet were. Living One Day At A Time. Seriously. Not just the phrase or the slogan. Actually making changes so that It takes focus. It's not easy to change one's innate thinking. But, with help, with a process, with effort, with objectivity and accountability... we can. All the best.

__________________

Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1585
Date:

Serenity: I can relate in so many ways. I have struggled w staying home in my bubble. But I went a step further. Some meds worked for it but the symptoms we too strong. I plan on spending the holiday as busy as I can. I don't want to isolate. Also I don't get to F2F meetings at all. In a way I isolate from meetings. So much to say so little time! I wish I could help you.

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Hoot Nanny


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1589
Date:

Sending you love today, SerenityRUS.

(((hugs))))

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PnP

Music makes my soul soar!

"The TRUTH is like a lion; you don't have to defend it. Let it loose; it will defend itself." St. Augustine

~~If nothing ever changed, there would be no BUTTERFLIES~~ anonymous



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1212
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Wow! What honest and beautiful shares from everyone here. You all are such a blessing to others and that is what keeps me coming back to Al Anon and to MIP, as well. It's the one place where I feel I can be vulnerable and still be loved for where I'm at; no matter what is going on in my life at the time.


Serenity, thinking of you today. I know exactly what you are talking about. Being uncomfortable when things are going well or there is no drama. My brain starts to create things that don't even exist. I love the fact that we all can learn from each other's lessons in life as well as learning from our own. Sending you hugs and love in support!


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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 679
Date:

Hi, S! Thank you for sharing, I loved reading this thread. I recently experienced a "small scale" episode of similar feelings. My ex kept writing me emails and although they go to my spam box I can still see I've got 1,2,3 or whatever number of spam mails... He's persistent for sure. For at least a year I wished he would stop writing to me so I would have peace, and then for years before that I hoped he would ease up with the communication in other ways too. Well, he did stop writing and after a week or two I found myself feeling kind of longing for the next email in my spam box from him, although I generally don't even read them because that just stresses me out normally. I am able to see the funny side in this, though, which is a big thing for me. I hope you get through whatever it is exactly sooner rather than later. ((Hugs))

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3364
Date:

I wanted to do a quick follow up and I had to seriously laugh at myself .. I was reminded:

when things are bad don't worry this too shall pass .. when things are good don't worry this too shall pass.

The last 2 Friday's quickly and I do mean quickly decided to escalate. My oldest witnessed an assault on two regular customers and a large gun being waved around .. thankfully they stayed out of the store, while working and ZERO safety in place I was so not impressed and kid was a wreck .. ugh. The good news .. he wasn't hurt .. the bad news last day at the job .. his bosses left him there during the day at a gas station ALONE .. he wasn't even suppose to be there as he covered someone else's shift and his "work partner" was suppose to be there and didn't show .. the owner new this (he was working at a gas station) NO RESPONSE .. absolutely not going to happen in terms of no no no .. this is not I have to have a job because I can't pay my rent if I don't .. this is a job during the term to pay for the next term .. it was convenient, and fairly easy if you look at the work .. dealing with the public a different issue and he learned a lot .. for a little over min wage .. nope .. not going down. So that was his last day and they even let him walk home (we are super close and I was furious he didn't call for a ride) literally it's to our back door. So this wouldn't have hurt these people to help him get home.

This Friday my youngest had his phone stolen out of school bag during gym .. all I can think is ok .. God .. I hear you .. gratitude list and priorities came in real fast .. LOL. I laugh only because it was everything I could do to hold it together while I listened to my oldest last Friday and then to hear about my youngest this Friday .. I thought seriously God .. I get it .. my kids are not hurt .. material stuff can be replaced and for the love of it all when you get to be happy .. just relax and know you are in control of it all. My sponsor and I had many discussions about the God of our understanding being bigger than a bread box .. and that's such a true statement.

Hugs S :)

__________________

"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 650
Date:

 

 

THANKS SERENITY!!! for sharing the journey with us...makes me feel confident in the lessons that come from shared experiences.   ((((hugs)))) smile



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Jerry F


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2405
Date:

Thanks for your update. I hear a lot of acceptance of life on life's terms in your post. Yeah, material things can be replaced but not your son. I'm so sorry that your oldest experienced such trauma. Pretty awful that he was left to make his way home after that. Hoping the post trauma passes quickly for him. 

Bigger than a bread box huh. lol A little humor can certainly help for restoring sanity :) I'm sorry you're going through this ((((serenityRus)))) Glad your son is safe. No doubt the mom hugs will be bigger, even more frequent and tighter right now. Prayers for you and your family as your work through the emotions around this horrific incident. TT



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Faith unsticks fear.



Senior Member

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Posts: 373
Date:

This time of year is a tough one for ne. I worked retail for 5 years and am grateful everyday that is a thing of the past. Self care is like a mystery for some of us. I am definitely not #there# yet. Where I am is a place of being more willing to out down the stick. I know getting through the holidays is a tough one for ne. I had to find what worked for ne it was not necessarily what others thought I should do. One of the key things I have had to let go off is a) being liked b) being clear about boundaries and c) resentment of course resentment was the stew I lived in for years. Be kind to yourself Maresie

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Maresie
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