The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I keep realizing that I don't have to agree w/ everyone to get along. People have opinions like me who have their intentions w/o arguing. It seems that my Ah has been talking about arguing since we got married. 19 years! I am so tired of him saying that we are arguing even though I am only stating my opinion. I don't feel like I have argued w/ him much since when we got married. I just feel frustrated & I know he does too.
His former wife & he were apparently arguers. She wasn't in recovery & he was drinking most of the time. I take that as maybe he has memories that are awful enough that he really believes that I am just like her. That is boldly not true. I am in recovery for one thing & he is as well. Sometimes I think he is a dry drunk even though he hasn't drank in over 12 years. He goes to meetings & chairs them. Actually he is almost single-handling all the meetings in our small town. That doesn't stop him from slipping in recovery even though it might be spiritual. I know that after a blow-up he calms down & really pays attention to what he can do to make it better.
Just a note: I was married before to a recovering Ah. He was a little like my current husband & the recovery is all they have in common. In early recovery, He was just too controlling & I really didn't have any right to my opinions.
That's for letting me unload. I haven't been to a meeting in a while.
I am told thru my inventories to pay attention to my wrongs including those or mostly those I have discovered and had worked on amending. Our disease is compulsive and habitual in nature and there are days that I can and will work my amends well and other days when I work a relapse and have to apologize and make good. I am there now being very careful about how I respond to this disease and very slow to get involved with others who practice this disease also.
My wife and I are in that mode now, today and are planning our response to my family members; grandchildren and children who want us involved in their families thru the use of the great grand children. We have arrived between ourselves at a "no" response even though we would like it a better condition however we are not the only participants in the event and the others are part the problem a large part being the disease with the alcoholic and his enablers in control. The Serenity Prayers is being used widely with us.
When you don't agree with the alcoholic...or give them what they want...or do what they want...then you are being argumentative, arguing, unreasonable, not supportive, etc. -- LOL.
Even in recovery -- going to meetings, working their program, etc. -- an alcoholic can still have their 'ism's -- whatever the are/were. Just like we can and do. LOL.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
For many years my AH told me that I was argumentative, not supportive etc... most of the time I was just adamant of what I wanted out of life and my marriage. As the years wore on, I became wore out and took the path of least resistance... much to the detriment of my emotional and physical health.
I finally chose not to live that way anymore... I just couldn't see myself continuing to live on that not-so-merry-go-round for the 30 or so years I may have left on this Earth.
Wishing you Peace, Hoot!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
There is and was so many things and events in my relationships with the disease that with the program became and still are "teachers" and as my former sponsor taught me and suggested, "Always say thank you as a part of the lesson". That is a gratitude exercise which I can and do use on a daily basis...either that or??? (((hugs)))
Just real quick! I am cutting out caffeine today & through the weekend. This post is very hard to do w/o a bunch of caffeine in my system. Just between us: I have bipolar disorder. I really shouldn't have much caffeine at all. My psych nurse& I have talked about it yesterday. I am trying to sort things out over the weekend. She wants me to call on Monday & see if I have any issues. Sorry, I have to mention that my illness kicked in over not being able to find my house key. I have a lot on my mind.
(((Hoot))) - hang in there - I am on day 8 of no coffee after a 40 year habit. Not by choice at all - I tried a swallow after surgery and it was not going to happen....I haven't decided if it's for long/ever/today or what but had some horrible head-aches the first few days - matching the pain from my surgery.
I am physically exhausted from the surgery so can't tell what my body 'wants' with the caffeine for the future. Just for now, I am drinking extreme amounts of water for healing - herbal tea too but don't do milk and/or juice much/at all.
As far as your original topic - what recovery has taught me is that no matter who I surround myself with - sober, active, normal, family, besties, etc. - at some point, they are going to 'let me down'. They are going to have a moment, lash out, act ugly, out-of-character, etc. and I'm going to be caught off guard. Some do it more frequently than others but I have never, ever yet been failed - including my sponsor.
Recovery shows me not only do I have to agree with everyone, I don't have to 'absorb' everyone's 'stuff'. I do believe that we often lash out when in pain or chaos at those we love simply because our guard is down and it should be a safe place. Today, I can just step away, give space and see how it pans out. I have a higher power who will guide them and I to what's supposed to happen - be it an apology, a fight, some distance, etc. I just no longer have to wonder what I did/did not do/say any more nor do I have to sit and judge them for being them. I can just Let Go and Let God while taking a break.
Love yourself enough to keep your power - that's what I believe! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Taking a break and letting go.......thank you for that, I am here. I'm deeply involved right now with a long time recovering A and your reminder was meant to help Hoot, and I hope it did, but be sure it helped me in reading it. Best of luck and health to both of you. wp p.s. my recovering A is my son who brought me to Step One of Alanon yearsssss ago.
