The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Beautiful Betty should be back next week, but I am filling in for this week....Will be gone all day tomorrow so I'm doing the Tuesday , today
In this offering Author mentions that many of us come to Al-anon to find out why the alcoholic drinks..We fear its because he/she does't love me any more..OR because we did or are doing things to upset him/her and making him/her drink
When we find out that alcoholism is a sickness, we are actually relieved..We also learn that the very things we did or are doing may have hindered their recovery.
We had the best of intentions, but were trying to cure it by treating it as a deliberate and willful and even wicked way of living by the alcoholic..We are even told that if we do things to humiliate and blame the alcoholic, we increase his/her guilt and we reinforce his claim that WE are at fault
FINALLY we learn that the best approach is a "Hands-off" policy. It is hard to do, but it works wonders, if not for the alcoholic, it surely helps us..
In TODAYS reminder, author suggests:
I will not waste my time exploring the reasons why my alcoholic drinks. Al-anon answers that I can cope only with my problems effectively by changing my thinking about them...Al-anon teaches me that I must work on correcting my OWN mistaken attitudes, and allowing the alcoholic to take care of his/her own problem.
"I ask God to help keep me on the course, that will change my life for the better"
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I wasted a lot of time, stress, angst, trying to figure out why my alcoholics wanted their liquor more than they wanted me...I , in vain, searched and searched for answers that were not mine to get...the searching, I learned had to be my OWN step 4 on ME..No one else
I can only help me..How often did I enable the A to win his/her love?? I can't count, how often did I sell out my values to keep the peace?? The list is endless...that said, I can promise you that it did not enhance their love for me..I even blamed me for being a bad child and that is why SHE drank..it was easier and safer to put the blame on me, rather than to see that my "little god" was seriously ill and incapacitated...
When I married into it not once but TWICE, it was the same thing.."this time I'll get it right" alcoholism was a "familiar" territory for me and I , like others who have been injured by this disease, hated to leave my "comfort zone" and that place that was familiar, even if it was a hell on earth..it was something I KNEW and it was , and this is crazy, but it was more predictable then being with someone healthy....
Now I look back at all this and after a few "go-rounds" with the steps, I see that that way of life is no longer desirable or acceptable to me...I don't even want to be around drinkers..I just changed!!! because, as the above share illustrates...I keep the focus on ME...and what is best for me...That way of life is NOT where i want to be ever again...I love my brother and enjoy joking and laughing with him when he is sober, but I no longer try to analyze his disease, the why's , etc., I just accept him AS IS with my firm boundaries in force..NO calls when hes drunk and sadly, I can't have him here for a visit because I don't want active alcoholics in my home and the risk of their getting drunk and crazy....Because I am 100% hands off re: his disease, I actually get along better with him...
The slogans Live and let live and keep the focus on me are so important re: living with alcoholism...
Reading your healthy post gives a girl like me who is early in the journey of recovery hope. I too have the same feeling of familiarity with the disease and settling for "this is how it is" in my comfort zone with AH #2 at times. I am trying so hard to stop putting my focus on his recovery and instead put the focus on ME. This is so foreign to me, but its time. I deserve to be happy and healthy. I am so glad to have found some peace and encouragement here and I am working to find a sponsor soon.
(((((((((((((Kat)))))))))))))))))) You are sooo very welcome..I am glad this post gave you some encouragement...You are not alone.....and keeping the focus on me, took a LOT of practice.....hang in there and do keep coming back....
I, too, tried everything my AW said she needed to be sober and everything that I thought might help. In the end, I was just enabling her disease and isolating myself.
Learning to keep my focus on myself has been a real learning experience - one that I am still working on. And, it is the only thing that has really helped make things better. I'm thankful today for the AlAnon program and friends who have walked with me on this journey.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you Rose for your service in Betty's stead! I am so thankful you are here to do so!
In my case, for my personality, and the fact that I have always been a science-driven person, I had to learn all I could about the disease of addiction. You've heard the expression, "Question Everything?" Well, that's me. And I believe it is important to know these things b/c so much of what people think of this disease is based on old ideas. There is new research on this subject learned every day! I just could not move on in Al-Anon without knowing "more."
But...the knowledge didn't really change anything about my situation. What it DID do is allow me to move from Detachment with Hatred, to Indifference, and to eventually Detachment with Love. I always have to respectfully disagree, it was not a waste of time. It was an important piece of my healing process.
For me, the key was to do the research knowing it was for my benefit only... not to change my ALO.
That is where the three C's (You cannot Control, Change, Cure) saved me!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
WOW!!! PnP, I , TOO, am a "Science type" person....I have to research anything and everything of a topic I am interested in or am involved, etc...Like my step 4 is a study in research, even the DSMIV (bible for Psycholigists" to understand my disorders.....oh yea, I went from depressed, to pissed to "ok...what can I do to HELP me"...LOL
And Skorpi, good to see you!! yep...the ole detachment takes mucho practice....I am with ya on that one..its easy to "want to give them a boost" but if we keep cleanng up the weeds in their garden, they won't ever KNOW, that they GOT TO tidy up the garden...I think , detaching, hands off my brother is showing him how brutal life can be in his situation, (hasn't forced him into recovery) but I am no longer robbing him of the lessons he needs to walk his path....
