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I got the call from my AH's therapist today that he will be released from detox tomorrow sometime. A condition for release is for him (me) to remove all guns from the home so we can all be safe. My AH hasn't had a domestic issue (yet) but with the amount of drinking he was doing and some of the behaviors he exhibited while at detox the guns must be removed. My AH has called me several times today being demanding and irritable that I need to do this quickly so he can be released. He even said in his conversations that I am keeping him stuck there and it was my fault that he is there and that the guns are being removed. I know of course that this is the disease talking, but I can't help but be angry and hurt at his comments. I voiced it back to him and said "how dare you put more demands on me, I have been taking care of our home, working and trying to survive yet another attempt at detox. What I wanted to say to the end of that comment is "another attempt at detox that seems like its not working." I know that comment does nothing to help the situation, but I am human and I can think it
I know its crazy to want it from an A, but I wish he was trying to make amends for ruining our anniversary last week , thanksgiving for the entire family and my birthday on the day he checked in to detox. He cried during his admission to detox and said he was sorry (so I guess that counts ), but his behaviors today and over the last few days on the phone have shown no improvement. I have been enjoying the peace and quiet while he is gone and I feel so anxious about his return.
My plan is to attend a f2f meeting this evening and as for the guns I have the local police department coming to unload them and then I will take them to a storage unit and give the key to a trusted friend.
I am hoping that my AH has to do some sort of treatment (attend meetings or something) after release from detox to be allowed to gain access to his guns. I am not upset that the guns will not be accessible to him at this time, I just wish all alcohol could be out of his reach as well.
Kat listen to the therapists and intake staff and the cops and others as they are the ones who deal with this day in and day out hour by hour. This is an incurable disease and a fatal one. You are upset meaning all upset and needing as much help as he is. Have a good meeting and see if there is another experienced woman there who might agree to sponsor you one day at a time. I don't know of anyone who did this alone (recovery) and it wasn't good for me and my alcoholic/addict wife when I tried it that way.
Dear God keep Kat in your embrace as she struggles with alcoholism. ((((hugs))))
You are right Serenity4US. The A will do what they want and there is nothing we can do about it. It still is no fun to watch someone you love kill themselves right in front of you. These last few days have been so freeing and peaceful, it scares me in some ways how easily I could get used to being away from my AH on a permanent basis. I really don't know what that means just yet for me. My plan is to allow him to come home from detox and set up some boundaries and to keep focusing on my own recovery with f2f meetings, spiritual renewal through church, staying connected here on this board and finding ways to do things for me more because I deserve to be living no matter what choices he is making. I am hoping I can get some sleep tonight.
(((Kat))) - hope you get to your planned meeting - as much as I really didn't want to go when I was emotional, it really always did bring me some relief. I'm with Jerry - even finding a temporary sponsor would be awesome so you've got some support when he comes home.
You do have every right to what you feel always! You also have every right to live a safe, serene life. We all do. I am surprised that they are not suggested inpatient treatment from detox - that's often suggested here @ our detox. Of course, getting that to happen hasn't been easy/possible each time yet it was offered.
Take good care of you and my go-to relaxation when I struggle to sleep is repeating the Serenity Prayer over and over again - works better for me than 'counting sheep' which never made sense and did not quiet my mind. Prayer does calm me way more.
You are not alone - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dear Kat I'm glad U R going to the meeting..Maybe , as Jerry said, you can find a recovery mate to sorta help you on a daily basis, get past this latest issue with the alcoholic
Sounds like you are taking good care of you and that should be your priority...I think I would talk to a domestic violence shelter person, what your options are....Hoping he doesn't escalate, but he sounds like he has anger issues, and yea, I would , again as Jerry said, talk to the police openly and just ASK them, what you can do if this "home coming" is a bad one....just to cover your own butt...He is gonna do what he is gonna do...You need to take care of you and let him to his own devices....
Thank you everyone for all your kind words and encouragement. I have brought him home today and he is going for a psych consult on Monday, has made a call for an outpatient treatment and the guns are removed. He still seems edgy, as expected. As for me, I am doing ok. I gave him a hug when I saw him and reminded myself that my AH is not my enemy, it is the disease. I am going to another meeting tonight. I am going to keep working on me and my recovery because it is the only thing I have control over and I see that it is helping. Hope you all have a good evening.
Kat .. please pick up the book it's 5$ called How Alanon Works if you don't have it .. it really has been a lifesaver for me from time to time and I actually need to read it again. It was my sponsor's favorite book of all of the literature.
I'm very glad that the guns have been removed this is a good thing.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sorry you're going through this, but I think you can see the plight that you are going through - disappointments around unmet expectations from a sick & irrational man, still very much in his disease. Even if he isn't currently drinking, those early stages of recovery are often equally as frustrating as the drinking...
To put it in perspective - from my own experience - I divorced my ex-AW in 2003, one year after she (finally) got sober. To her credit, she takes her sobriety very seriously, and is now over 16 years sober. I wanted those same things you were hoping for.... legitimate apologies for wrong-doings, some specific, some more general......
Well, last summer (2017), she stopped by and we had a talk, and she gave me some apologies - obviously to make her amends with me..... but check the date - some 14+ years after we are long since divorced, and she has maintained her sobriety, yet it took that long for her to make her amends. I bring this up for perspective - he may apologize tomorrow (unlikely), or he may never apologize. That is the reality we live with here.
Hugs
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
), but his behaviors today and over the last few days on the phone have shown no improvement. I have been enjoying the peace and quiet while he is gone and I feel so anxious about his return. 