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Post Info TOPIC: How do you not just hate them?


Member

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Posts: 24
Date:
How do you not just hate them?


Things were so good for a while. It was almost like a tease. Now were back having issues with both drinking AND drugs. I am finding myself having fewer and fewer peaceful evenings. I work full time and come home to deal with this from 5:00 until whenever he decides hes done. I have no control. I know I can break it off. But Im scared of the hurt that goes with that. Is it worse than the hurt Im experiencing now? My animals didnt even feel safe coming downstairs tonight. They all knew better to stay away. He was loud and angry. For hours. I was in fight or flight mode for hours. Hed be okay and id Joke with him and then hed switch. All night long. Every time he left the room I couldnt help but whisper how much I hated him. How do you not get angry? How do you not look at this as a choice? He knew before I got home that he was going to drink and do pills tonight. And tonight was the first time I couldnt tell what was causing him to act that way. Usually its because hes drunk, but i couldnt tell if it was the alcohol or the pills. Tonight was downright awful. It was the first time I wanted him to go out so hed be away from me for a few hours. Usually I panic when he says he wants to go out. How do you do it? How do you not just unleash complete and utter fury on them? Im so angry and scared. I dont want to live like this but Im too afraid to do anything about it. Im afraid of hurting and the unavoidable turmoil that will come from it. I feel like such a coward and that makes me even angrier. How do you do it?

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a4l


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1024
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Hey owl. There's a chat room here: it's been a sanity saver for me more than twice in an unexpected pinch, ie things going good then suddenly blindsided by that familiar hideousness of addiction. Everything you pointed out is logical, like he knew you'd be back from work when the decision was made to pop pills and drink. But addiction is not logical it is irrational and insane. Safety in the here and now has to be the first priority. Having a safety plan for times like this. I can't add a lot at this stage, it's late were I am and I'm tired but I wanted to reach out, say hi let you know you aren't alone and to stay safe. All the other major stuff can get decided a bit at a time as it does when we keep coming back and seek out our own recovery. You're in a good starting place for that, take care.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 772
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Hi Owl,

I'm so familiar with the up and down, the good followed by the using. It has taken me a good four years to start to be comfortable with "loving detachment" - I've been practicing it a lot, and I think I am just starting to understand it now and get better at it. It's helping me a lot, and something that I'm getting better with over time.

I have to agree, your personal safety must come first. For me, My safety and my pets' safety has to come first. When she is drinking, my AW can lash out at the dogs, so their safety plan is to put them in crates and give them frozen kongs. My safety plan is to go downstairs to the basement because our steps are steep enough that a drinking person doesn't want to go down them. I do have a lock on the basement bathroom door, and I have spent time locked in that room with the dogs. I'm not sure what your safety plan might look like, you will know best what your needs are and what might work in your situation.

When my AW is drinking, I don't stay in the same room as her. I remember for years I felt that I had to stay with her to make sure that she was safe and didn't do anything she'd regret, especially with phone calls, social media, and emails. I see that today as my enabling her. I don't deserve to be treated the way someone under the influence can treat others, and so I don't stay in the same room. This can mean that I'm in the basement or outside if the weather is nice.

It seems to me from your share that you have identified that some behaviors are unacceptable to you. You are angry because of things he's done or said to you while he's using. Those things seem to be unacceptable to you, and you don't need to tolerate the unacceptable. You said you don't want to live like this. I think that's fantastic self-awareness, and a great first step.

I remember that when I started work in my AlAnon program, I thought my choices were to stay and put up with the alcoholic behavior or leave. Either this, or that. One or the other. With time, I've found that there are other choices available to me. One of my boundaries is that I will not have drugs or alcohol in my house, and I will not have anyone who is under the influence in my house. My wife decided to try sobriety because of these boundaries. And she's definitely tested those boundaries in a variety of creative ways this year. I have seen real progress and my life is much better and more manageable because of my program work and my boundaries.

One of the most helpful things I heard when I started the program was that I didn't have to make any major decisions today, and that deciding not to make a decision about a major change today because I wasn't ready yet was also a decision that I could make. This helped to take the pressure off that I had put on myself, and gave me time to see my progress in the AlAnon program. MIP and my first home group were my two lifelines, and I am so thankful to have them.

Please take care of yourself, and keep coming back. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and safe.

__________________

Skorpi

If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu



~*Service Worker*~

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(((madowl))) - So very, very sorry for your pain, frustration, anger, etc. I can so relate! I not only felt hate at times with my qualifiers, I would even 'wish them gone' - not very healthy as these thoughts would be followed by shame, guilt, remorse, etc. I was all over the place and it was so not fun.

All that I know is others are going to do whatever they are going to do, and no matter how unhealthy, crazy, dangerous, etc. it seems, I am truly powerless. I find this program has been the only solution for my own insanity caused by this disease. I had to learn and be taught to hate the disease and not the diseased.

I also hope you will find a way to take good care of you. Self-care is one of the most giving things I've learned in recovery and was much needed in how I went about my life and my days. You are truly not alone - there is hope and help in recovery.

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1014
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Madowl-The only thing that helped me with the roller coaster, the disappointment, the rage, and the fury, was Alanon. I watched my A destroying herself. She is sober now but in some other ways, still destroying herself with other addictions. I realized through this program that I was getting destroyed too. And from meetings, a sponsor, this board, etc., I am learning to love me and take care of me, no matter what my A is doing. Keep coming back-help is here, Lyne

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Lyne



~*Service Worker*~

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Big hugs,

So glad you are here, I hope you will keep coming back. This stuff with addicts is confusing as is and adding relationships into it is super hard.

Looking back today and I'm 7 years outside of my relationship with my XAH .. the anger I had was probably more 80% at myself and 20% at him. Alanon helped me move past although it can still hit ( we have kids and I am primary caregiver to them both he's MIA), so it helped me forgive myself for over staying the relationship (that's not to say all relationships need to end), learning to love myself again, and remembering the woman I was becoming before I allowed myself to be derailed .. again for me, staying was not an option because it probably would have killed me and I do mean that in a literal sense of "kill me" because I was just so eaten up by the negative I couldn't find my way to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Life today is so much different I have had 7 years to take a good look at myself and not cringe at what I see looking back at me. It took time and work on my part to get better.

I am so sorry you are hurting right now, you can be happy regardless if the A is drinking or not .. Alanon helped clear the fog and figure out the right place for me to be and I'm still a work in progress .. it's just now my "feelings" are so intense and I found out I'm allowed to be happy and being happy is pretty good regardless of what else is going on.

Hugs S :)



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"I cannot learn other people's lessons for them.  They must do the work for themselves, and they will do it when they are ready." - Louise Hay



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2841
Date:

Hi Madowl....

My wise old sponsor taught me to "focus on the whats, and not the whys", as it is the whys that will eat us up inside. 

To me, the issue of whether you want to feel justified in hating him, or concerned about whether or not he is 'choosing' this addiction/lifestyle are much more in the "why" category of thinking (to which my sponsor used to also ask me the simple & direct question - "if you knew the answer to what is bothering you, would it REALLY change anything?)

The "what" of your current situation is a bit more black and white, and in some respects, easier to deal with.

 

The problem with "hating" others, and/or harboring major resentments, is that they do more damage to YOU, than they do to the person you are targeting those feelings on - even more when that person is a sick and irrational A.

As best as you are able, turn the focus back onto you.  What does Madowl want/need, and is the current relationship providing this.  If not, can you foresee it providing you enough in the near future?  If still no, what options do you have for yourself, and what are you going to do about it.

I say the above with a big hug wrapped around it.  The focus going back onto Madowl is reminding you that you are worthy, deserving, and your happiness/serenity is paramount.

 

He will either drink (or be an ass, or be argumentative, or be a million other things) or he won't..... what are YOU gonna do?

 

 

Take care

Tom



__________________

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

"What you think of me is none of my business"

"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"

 

 

 

 



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 728
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Hi Madowl, I am glad you came here for support. Those above me have already provided great experience, strength and hope. I wanted to share with you that I also have felt that anger and fear --- I remember it so well even though it is now past in my life. I know how it feels to come home from work not knowing what I would find. I wanted to share my perspective on some of your questions.

How do you not get angry? First, I believe anger is a perfectly natural feeling to have in this situation. Our life is in chaos, we are afraid, and of course we are angry. But what to do about that feeling? In the moment, I found slogans helped.  For me it was the 3C's. And another one, DETACH = Don't Even Think About Changing Him. Eventually I accepted the anger and decided to redirect that energy into my own recovery. Instead of "Damn You," it became "Goshdarnit, I deserve my own recovery!"

How do you not look at this as a choice?  I didn't accept this until I started learning the facts about alcoholism.  I realized that the medical profession defines this as a disease.  I came to understand that he didn't choose to have an alcoholic parent that passed the genetic tendency down to him, and a family environment that made it more likely he would start drinking to excess at a young age.  I knew that he loved me and did not want to hurt me ... but still he could not stop drinking for me.  I came to picture the drinking as not a simple choice like "should I have chocolate or vanilla," but more like an oncoming train they cannot stop on their own.

How do you not just unleash complete and utter fury on them?  Slogans and walking away were my first lines of defense. I will also admit to going into the shower and pounding my fists on the wall. When I calmed down -- with help of program friends and a therapist and Al-Anon meetings -- I came to realize that fury would not get the result I wanted.  If I went ballistic on him, it would be fairly reasonable for him to think, "My wife has gone crazy -- I need a drink!" Not that I could cause someone to drink, but now we would have two crazy people instead of one.

I am sorry you are going through this. Keep coming back to the program, it's what helped me.

 



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Veteran Member

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Posts: 93
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I too am feeling many of these feelings and I am in the middle of a crisis myself, but I can see that many have offered some great advice that may seem hard to implement into our lives.  With practice, prayer and support found here and in f2f meetings we can learn to get our recovery started and begin to live a healthier life that we deserve.

My AH is currently in a detox center that he signed into on my birthday (4 days ago) and he is very sick and wants to leave.  It is scary for me that at some point they will have to release him and he has a very high chance of relapsing because his behaviors and actions are telling us that he is not ready and the doctors there say he is so sick that he could die from his disease in a short time.  As his wife, friend and a health professional (nurse) it goes against everything in my heart and mind to not stop this from happening, but I am powerless to this disease.  This is my second marriage to an A.  My first marriage ended with my AH drinking heavily and swallowing a handful of pills at a friends house during our separation.  It took me a long time to stop caring the guilt and burden of his passing and our 5 kids together are still struggling with the loss which also makes me mad, sad and many other feelings at times. 

I am more involved in the al-anon world this time around and I still fall into unhealthy coping patterns like yelling, trying to control and manipulate the situation to get what I feel like I need, but coming on here or going to a meeting helps.  We are human too, we are going to have good days and bad days.  Be kind to yourself and make a plan for the safety of your own peace of mind and physical well-being most importantly.  For me I know at some point in the next few days my AH will get out of detox and he will want to come home instead of going on to further treatment that he needs and I will need to put some boundaries up and my own safety plan into action.  I don't know what the future holds and today I am ok so for today I am praying to God and asking him to take it from here for me because I need him to direct my steps.

Please keep seeking help and hope here and in f2f meetings.

Peace,

Kat



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1202
Date:

Hi madOwl
So sorry you are in this situation. Ive been where you are and its NOT fun. But you are here. That is your first step to taking your life back
Your post shows maybe you want to leave but you are afraid. I was there as well
IF there is no physical violence, I think I would get to daily meetings. Find a sponsor to guide you in the 12 steps work. Focus on you 100% and reclaim yourself

You will know in about 6 months if you work on you really hard whether or not you want to leave. Or stay with, possibly with one who may never get better. AND relapse is high percentage. You have zero control over him and what he does. But you CAN change you. How you think, feel and do with your life

After nearly 15 years in program , I see me as a lifetime member. I grew up with it. Married it. Now?? As I grow in program, I choose not to have active substance abusers in my life. My beloved brother is an active alcoholic It was hard for me to tell him I cant have him come visit me. I like my peace. I like the quiet and safety my house has for me. What caused me to leave my good Alkie ex,  was my seeing that my precious pets were scared of him. I dont think he hit anyone, but he yelled a lot and it frightened my pets.

As to hate?? Oh. Been there too until I realized that that awful feeling only hurt me. And deep inside he was a great guy. I hated his behavior. Not him.

My first Ex alcoholic I hated him BC he was cruel drunk or sober. He just was not a good person. After time in program, I let go that hate. He wasn't worth the energy it takes to hate

Keep coming back. This program truly works

In support



-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 28th of November 2018 04:40:03 PM



-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 28th of November 2018 05:21:56 PM

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Rose:

*** KEEP IT SIMPLE***



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 24
Date:

Thank you everyone for the supportive responses. I do know its a disease and I do know I need to be more committed to taking care of myself first. That part is the hardest. I was very emotional when I wrote my original post, but I found your responses overwhelmingly calming. Thank you.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 9179
Date:

You got this!!! We are struggle at times, it's just part of the disease. Keep coming back - you are worth it!

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 



Senior Member

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Posts: 277
Date:

 

 

One of the things I when I was in this spot was take the focus off of my alcoholic/addict wife and putting it on the disease.  I change the blame from "her" to "it" and that helped.  Focusing also on the realization that "she was a sick woman and not a bad woman" was very helpful also.   Working that allowed me to exercise more mercy and compassion for the woman I was calling my wife and not my "bitch" which I had earlier come to acknowledge her as being.  Today when I think of her I do it with the acknowledgement of my Higher Power and to do that as HP would.  That is how I just not hate them any more.  I couldn't hate her more than she hated herself.  ((((hugs)))) smile



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Jerry F
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