The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Beloved Betty is on vaca. so i am filling in for her on the Tuesday daily until she gets back..Hope you are having a great time, Betty
On Tuesday's offering, Author talks about the man whose wife is an alcoholic and how he is afraid to seek help in Al-anon because it looks like failure on his part
It may be he is hesitant to let go of the martyrdom of carrying this burden for the family..Maybe he gets an inner satisfaction from the dependency of the alcoholic, whom he labels as weak and helpless
In this program, he can learn to be comfortable by not accepting his wife's responsibilities..He will, by working the steps, et al discover his own motivations and change his attitudes..He won't , anymore, do anything towards controlling his wife's sickness, because working step one assures him that he cannot..That he is powerless over all things but himself
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I can relate to this...with me, it was ignorance of how valuable Al-anon would have been to me had I jumped on it sooner...I hated the disease and the behaviors that went with it with the A's in my family, but I did not know of a way out..when she was drinking, I know she was forced to get into AA but it didn't last AND Al-anon was never brought up for any of us whose lives she was impacting....nowadays there are so many help programs, Al-anon, ACA, CoDa, Naranon, just to name a few..Even Alateen, which I wish was there when I was a teen...In my oh so sick family, it was all about appearance..She was "sick" or "indisposed" the "shame" of a drunk in the family forced us to lie about the big elephant in the parlor...so whatever causes one to hesitate getting help, fear, shame, fear of reprisal, or wanting to be the rescuer/ fixer upper, heroine or martyr, it does NOT work in the long run....the horrid cost to me, losing sooo many decades of NON 12 steps, particularly Al-anon and ACA and CoDa, if I had it to do all over again with the knowledge that I NOW have, I would say "to hell with all the above excuses" and I would be flying to my first meeting and the steps, et al......
for me?? I always say, "better late" (getting help for ME) then never
Thanks for filling in for Betty!
I like the freedom that comes from this concept. I really felt that my AW's behavior reflected on me and was a representation of me, giving up control meant failure. I'm glad that I've discovered the strength in AlAnon to realize that I was taking on responsibility for things that weren't mine, and my behavior was not what I wanted it to be because of that. How empowering! and freeing!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks Rose and Skorpi for ESH! For me it was a matter of stubbornness and ignorance. I truly knew nothing about addiction, and I thought for sure I could get my A in help for alcohol. I really only understand alcoholism since Alanon, and I tried for 20 some years to "help" my A, and of course, I was unable to make any dent in her problems. I have to work very hard not look back on the shoulds and coulds. At best I will continue to improve myself with program, Lyne
Thank you Rose for posting in Betty's place. I do look forward to these dailies!
I can still remember sitting with my father in the backyard, - about this time last year - and telling him through tears that even though I was choosing to divorce, I had felt like such a failure! I felt like I failed b/c I could not hold together this marriage all on my own! I carried that burden for many, many months.
Years ago, when there was another addiction living with my Ex and our family - before he was forced into rehab - I can remember the prevailing beliefs of his family specifically... there was always this undercurrent that if I was a "good" wife, I could manage my husband... I guess make him tow the line, or something. But I never wanted to be the kind of person... you know, the stereotypical harpy/naggy wife. it's kind of ironic that is exactly how I learned how to cope... by being a control freak! I can still hear "people" with their misguided advice... You should do this... or that... or just "lay down the law with him." I am at the edge of an era that still believed that the wife was a reflection of the husband. One foot in the world of independent woman, and one foot in the 50's housewife trope.
I can still hear myself exclaiming to his mother, "He is a grown man! I can't control everything he does, nor do I even want to!" This was before I first walked into the halls of Al-Anon and found out how true this was!
Today, thankfully, I can also see that I could not stick to any boundaries back then... so I had my part too.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(thanks for filling in! I love ODAT :D)
My biggest thing was always going to the rescue when the A would mess up and I was taught to run to be of service. Most of the time I should have just stepped back and let things go. I think now about the consequences and how they never really had any because we would all jump to action. I put that down as a resentment/problem on my part because it took almost 3 years on my part to just stop running to the problem and "helping". The other part was I didn't know any better at all and learning that lesson was so hard for me but I'm grateful for it now. I realize that I can be compassionate without running to help and I can help "if they ask", but making sure that it's not going to mess with my well being.
Yay for detaching and boundaries, they really do help.
I hope you all have a good day. :)
Thanks for the sharing of the daily.
I certainly felt that it was a huge reflection on me when problems began to surface with substances in my AD. I took it all very very personally and felt a great sense of shame and embarrassment that my little family wasn't perfect. I ran around in circles, putting out all the fires she created, trying to keep everything looking normal. She never had to face anything because I took care of it for her. If she would only do what I told her then all would be well lol.
Thank God, I learned and embraced step one and surrendered the false belief that I had any control over another to begin with.
Have a terrific day.
Thank you all for your beautiful and brave shares. I related to everyone of you in one way or the other. The burden we and others placed on ourselves that wasnt even ours to carry
I grew up with alcoholism and I married into it twice. Thinking this time I could get it right. When it was never mine to get right
How freeing to be able to see that back then and now and tomorrow if I have one, I am only responsible for myself and my own thoughts and actions, never anyone elses no matter how close I am to them. Thank you all for the wonderful shares
Thank you for a great post and wow how true. I have been on again and off again with al-anon. I go for periods of time thinking I got this and here I am with another crisis and reason to need the love, support and understanding that can be found here and in a face to face meeting to help me cope with the A in my life. I have been surrounded by alcoholics my entire life (almost 50 years). I need this program and I want to let go and let God, easier said than done. Thank you all and God bless.
Same story! I am married to AH #2. I thought it would all be different and I could handle things because his drinking isn't as bad. Yeah right, things are as bad and at times maybe worse. He signed into detox on my birthday this past weekend (third time this year) and he already wants to sign out after 3 days. The facility won't let him because he is not healthy enough and they have enforced an medical mandate to hold him, but that only will last so long. I am ready to get serious about getting my focus off of "fixing him" and learning how to let go and start finding ways for me to live a life for me! I always thought that was selfish, but I don't think it is. Reading the stories on here helps me to realize that we are all doing what we can.
Thank you Rose for this great reminder. As much as I work this program, I catch myself still having tendencies towards taking on more than I can handle and am hard on myself for not managing everything I take on.
I am recovering from Thanksgiving martyrdom... 6 houseguests for 4 days, each having different quirks and requirements in some way. When I asked for help, I did receive it, but in a manner that was still stressful. Today, I put things aside and made time to rest.
