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Hello everyone! Today's Courage to Change points out that we sometimes have used manipulation as a creative solution to an impossible situation. Manipulation is a coping skill that may have seemed necessary in a threatening alcoholic environment. But as we learn healthier tools in Al-Anon, manipulation is no longer needed.
The writer says they had forgotten how to make a straightforward request for anything they needed, like help washing the dishes. They used guilt and complaining, instead of a simple polite request. And they didn't know how to accept the fact that even their polite request could be turned down. But... they are learning!
Today's reminder: Today I am creating a better way of living, free of guilt and deception.
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I certainly relate to this topic. As a young person, I never learned how to make a straightforward request because I was too busy pleasing other people. So when confronted with a challenging situation like marriage -- and with alcoholism added to the picture -- I had no idea how to help myself or take care of my own needs. So I resorted to magical thinking and denial. One of the most amazing things I have learned in Al-Anon is that I can Say What I Mean, Mean What I Say, and Not Say It Mean. No manipulation needed!
Boy!! Growing up, all I knew was headgames and no one was straight forward IF any one dared to state a need we kids usually manipulated her with guilt and promises not to tell that she got another bottle
What a sick way to live. Now, if anyone in my air space uses anything but total honesty, I am gone. I will never live like that again
Hi Freetime This is a great principle to live by. I know prior to program I used guilt and manipulation to obtain what i needed. Today I have learned to simply "ask' and am comfortable with the fact that the person can say "NO" . What a gift this program is!! Thanks for your service.
I love the reminder today - so helpful to remember that I am strong and courageous enough to create a life without guilt or deception!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thank you for todays message. I was raised with passive aggressive behavior; there didnt seem to be any clear communication. Therefore, Ive had to reteach myself to ask for what I want clearly. No one is going to read my mind! I also have learned and am working on acceptance of the no answer.
Good morning MIP! Thank you Freetime for the daily and your service. I can relate to the reading big time and most of the shares....I too learned 'conditional' love, acceptance, habits and just didn't know better. Manipulation was the name of the game with no bad intentions - just another unhealthy coping habit.
Today, I am able to ask for what I need. I also can accept the right of others to say No for whatever reason. I love J-A-D-E relative to this reading as using it early on and often helped me to simplify what I say and ask for from others. As I got/get healthier, I can more clearly see that my needs are really basic and for the most part are being met.
Happy Friday to one and all - we've got some cold, cold weather here - and a bit of snow!!! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Freetime. And I thank all who have shared...some shares I relate to, others I can read and say, "I see where you are coming from!"
Due to some previous Al-Anon, Nar-Anon recovery work, I really tried not to manipulate. But in all honesty, this practice became harder as the disease progressed and thing after thing, request after request was met with complaining and a "no" answer, or just flat-out ignored.
I am not proud to say that I learned a coping mechanism that I employed... when my loved one was found out doing something "wrong," I knew that for days, or sometimes a week at a time, that person would be pliable to my will. I used that time, and took advantage of that to get my needs met. Not a loving way to live by any means!
I really embrace the 'saying what you mean...' philosophy, and I work on the JADE'ing part. I am also working on accepting that there will be times when I will get a "No" answer, no matter how reasonable I think my request is... and how to work with that.
Last night I actually had to transition to my "warmy" PJ's!!! It is FINALLY feeling a little like fall here... but still pretty hot and dry in the day!! Sometimes I am a little envious of those who have snow - but only for a moment as I know that has its downsides too! LOL!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
It is always good to be reminded that ones experiences with negative adaptation are not exclusive: ie, we are not alone in the traits of the disease. I have found that guilt as a constant companion is also one of the most draining. I am grateful to have a programme which teaches a new normal. thanks for the daily and the service!
I was the oldest of 5, in my alcoholic family- and i became a care-giver rather than a care-taker. And so I really never learned to take care of myself .
Everything in my world was wrenched around and distorted. Identifying at meetings helped my to put my finger on the issues. And the deep malaise and pain I suffered from.
As an aid- I used the word "manage" rather than 'control". To be able to listen and show empathy to myself first took a lot of courage. And it ran against the grain. [Like turning the Titanic round is how I would describe it! ...
...but I am so grateful I took the steps to change. It seemed to take forever.... ... but so worth it! ...
As an aid- I used the word "manage" rather than 'control". To be able to listen and show empathy to myself first took a lot of courage. And it ran against the grain. [Like turning the Titanic round is how I would describe it! biggrin...
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Oh David I can so relate to this. I do not even think much now as to control rather than manage. Manage, to me, for my pile of issues is more doable then to try and control them and I am now practicing to listen and show empathy towards myself which is a very difficult thing to do being as how I was trained to think I was worthless and a liability at best. You said it best when you mentioned turning the titanic around. That is how I felt and still feel at times. But the word manage is what I focus on now. It seems less scary and more doable, more possible, the word management and I am not dissatisfied with just managing my issues. It is better than i used to be
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