The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been thinking a bit about the statement that people come into our life for a season, a reason or a lifetime. I'm noticing a significant imbalance in some my relationships. Life changes and my availability to others and theirs to me can change too. I understand that but I've had to take a step back and ask myself if it's time to look deeper into the topics of boundaries and acceptance concerning some my relationships. One example would be my availability to support others through email when they're in the midst of some new drama who then drop kick me when they are feeling better. Like anyone, I want to be mindful of my Alanon program and offering loving support to others. But with that said, I don't want to be someone's program tool, quick fix and receive little to no response when going through something myself and hoping for mutual loving support, a prayer or word of encouragement.
I'm also weeding out the fair weather non program relationships in my life. I was cultivating a friendship with someone new to my life and enjoying time with this person. Over the last year, they had a health scare and I'd called from time to time just to tell them I was keeping good thoughts for them. They expressed they were so happy to receive the calls yet a phone call from this person is a rarity. They are recovered now and doing quite well. So I guess what I'm realizing is that it's good to be thoughtful and caring about others but it doesn't make me uncaring, have unrealistic expectations or filled with resentment just because I expect a little reciprocity. I'm looking for ongoing conversations and building on my relationships in a positive way. Yesteday, I made a call to this person and extended an invitation. They said they had plans but would like to get together some time soon which is what they said the last time I had phoned them. They went on to tell me about another friend who they'd planned to get together with next week. Hey whatever.. but typically, I don't tell someone about fun plans with someone else on the heels of telling them I can't get together with them. At that point, I told her I hoped she had a good holiday and I would leave the next phone call up to her. I said that it seemed I am the one who initiates calls and invitations. She was courteous but her tone became more formal. I felt it was time to say what I mean, not say it mean but mean what I say. I am not being overly sensitive. I tend not assume someone is somehow wronging me until I see a repeated behavior pattern.
It may be time to seek out some new people based on where I am at today and reduce or eliminate time with others. It can be hard to confront people but sometimes it's necessary. Some of my relationships have been strengthened by asking for what I would like and the bond strengthens between myself and the other person. But also people are going to come and go in my life and that's ok. Sometimes I need to let people go or they need to let me go. Maybe just don't fit with one another right now... maybe later, maybe not at all. I do try not to slam the door shut on anyone and hope others feel that way too. I'm grateful for the lessons and people on my path who help me learn more about myself and my recovery. Thanks for letting me share. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Thursday 8th of November 2018 12:36:07 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Thanks for sharing this completely relatable from both sides. Looking at what I want and what kind of friend I chose to be. This is a good reminder for me to attract what I want I must put it out there too. ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Oh, thank you for this post and I can totally relate. Perhaps it is part of aging too, but I find that relationships that are one sided or somehow leave me feeling not great, are getting weeded out faster and faster.
I have a few family members... a cousin in particular....who I actually dread getting together with due to her drama and self absorption. However, because there is more of a family obligation I will see her maybe twice a year and leave the rest to occasional texts or phone calls.
I too got tired of being the only one to initiate with a couple of relationships and finally decided unless I had a burning need to see them, I would give them the chance to contact me. I was actually blaming myself that perhaps I had set the pattern that I would call. WTH.....why am I taking the blame for being the loyal friend? I had a good long talk with myself about that one!
I had another close friend many years ago who always cancelled our plans if something better came along the same day. It didn't matter that we were scheduled....if she got a better offer, she thought nothing of cancelling me out. After several, several times of this, I just stopped rescheduling and said I would have to get back to her. Once I stopped being so available and flexible she kept more "dates" but we eventually fizzled out of a strong friendship and then a friendship at all. We simply didn't need each other or the friendship anymore.
I have in-laws who were wonderful and loving until they became jealous of a trip we took or ended up in a better financial situation than they found themselves in. Then the passive-aggressive behavior came out and I am done with that kind of treatment. Buh-Bye....see you at the next holiday!
Times go on, situations change, other people come into the picture, or a problem gets resolved and/or the relationship isn't as urgent anymore. Sometimes it hurts, but I am more accepting of the "reason, season" thing now and am willing to be the one to cut the cord so to speak if I feel a relationship has become or is getting toxic for me.
Tiredtonite, I give you a lot of credit for speaking up to your fair weather friend. It sounds like you spoke your mind in a non-threatening or insulting way. Good for you! Thank you for a topic that our program gives the strength and tools to deal with.
Great topic and great shares! As with all things, I keep relationships as simple as possible. There are some in my life that we are compatible enough that if time passes and we don't speak, it's OK - we just pick up where we left off. Then there are others that I feel obligated to check on because of blood. Then there are those who crave drama/chaos/conflict and I just don't do that any more. I completely understand and feel that as we get healthier, we prefer healthier friends/relationships.
I am finding that stepping away is a great way to just let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be. If it's intended for a season, that's what will be. I recently was on the receiving end of a brutal outburst from a very close friend in program. Unfortunately, she opted to release with an audience and I opted to just walk away. She's attempted to reach out via text messages and I have no interest in having a text discussion about what happened. If anyone should know this, it would be her as this is one of the habits my sons have that I find really annoying.
I have stepped away as it is what I feel drawn to do. I have faith that what is to happen will happen. She's avoiding meetings that I attend and that's 100% her choice. I am finally comfortable in my own skin most of the time, and just don't see a reason to engage when others are in a bad spot or having a moment of insanity.
I am very cautious about relationships with crazy and controlling people. I can 'see them' a mile away and typically just keep my distance. I have enough in my family that I prefer to limit beyond that. I cherish those I can be genuine and authentic with. I practice kindness to all - just prefer to spend quality time with like-minded friends!
Lovely topic and great awareness!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
WOW!! (((((((((((Tired))))))))))) I can so relate...this is one of the best threads I've read in a while...
SO glad I am not alone in my thinking of late.....(I so related to all of what you said) ...I've been in this place for a while., assessing relationships that seem to be "all me doing the work/reaching out" and never or hardly them
so why did I stay as long as I did??? lonely???? thought I was being unreasonable wanting a MUTUALLY caring relationship???? doubting myself re: being reasonable and fair in relationships?????
probably all of the above, but I DO catch it after a while...I become aware.......then the feelings and sometimes a "chat" with the other where I state my take on our relationship and sharing my take only and then comes acceptance........after that, I've removed myself or distanced myself from that person
there are just Empty well people out there...then you got the shallow well folks, then the full well folks...well when i am in a friendship, or any sincere, close relationship, I TAKE time to give them encouragement if they need it. I MAKE time for them if they need a boost, a hug or a prayer....but when it comes to MY turn and it is not, or repeatedly not reciprocated???? I may or may not say anything to them...I may just distance or remove me w/out saying a word....depends on what is the right and best thing to do by me....
I would have to say that maybe more then not, I will communicate with them my feelings of being left out in the cold by them when its MY turn to need some support, and see what they say, but there are times I dont' say anything and I walk away or distance me
I mean if they care do I NEED to even say anything??? Like if they CARED about me REALLY, I would not HAVE to feel the relationships is unequal or non mutual, because it would be equal..mutual...give adn take......the pluses would out weigh the minuses.....
I know there are times a friend/family member may be in a TEMPORARY mode of needing me and not much to give for a WHILE, but it should sorta even out....and when I am temporarily needy/needing support, they shoudl be there for me....if I see patterns of me doing all the giving/doing, I assess...work my program....decide on the best and right thing to do by and for me.....
I cut back about 20 Facebook "friends" because over and over i woudl offer up a prayer or a hug or support when they were in a time of need....my turn comes...I am facing a maybe crisis (job loss) HUGE if we can't turn the company around...BIG loss....and they were on facebook, posting, "liking" some of my other posts, but NOTHING in the way of a prayer, hug or support on my job, and I posted a few times about it because the ones who DID give me their support, kept the post going.......so I just quietly checked my page....WHO really is a friend....who is just a body???? and I cleaned out the dead bodies...
some of them were just FB, some were FB AND real life....Gone...Poof.....if I don't matter anymore then to be there for them, and they are not there for me, then relationship is one of usary, indifference on their part, take what they can and give nothing or little in return.....I dont' accept crumbs anymore...I move on.....shake the crumbs off me and walk away
Oh my this is just what's on my mind right now. I find it such a dilemma because in the one hand this program has given me eyes to see things differently and I have a friend who craves my viewpoint but it's changed everything. I want to be a channel to be kind and give freely but oyr friendahip has jow become unequal and i want to honour and love myself without becoming resentful of this friend which is difficult because she only contacts me for her own motives. It's not about me or caring for me or wanting to be with me. She is pretty blatant about her intentions and I do actually believe she thinks I'm too dumb to see this. So weird. My sponsor tells me she's not really good for my peace of mind and that im giving it away. I look inside and I can see that I'm still living with fear if rejection and abandonment. Not being good enough. So I have my motives for this friendship too. I don't really know what the answers are. I suspect it's having trust in god to provide me with everything I need and when I let go then maybe it's to make room for something even better. Thanks for sharing x
I am finding, the healthier I become, the more discerning and picky I am about whom I let close to me And whom I am willing to share my Intimate Issues with.
Some relationships I keep at a distance. My life is like a bunch of circles around my heart the ones who have earned my trust and who have shown me they are genuine in their love for me and mine for them, they are in the smaller circles closer to my heart in fact they can touch my heart if they reach out. Then you have relations in further out circles, you like them and you like to chat and share every now and then but its not a real close intimate relationship. They are still people I want to keep in my life, but I would not share a very serious issue with them,
Then there are those that I keep at a larger distance, where I dont really necessarily want to break things off with them, I may share with them on Facebook, trade horseracing information with them, kind of like one frivolous relationships that are not deep but kind of fun
And then there are the relationships that I just let go because there is nothing To give them nor do I want anything from them at all. I had to check my motives on these ones as to why they were even there in my life. And the old fear of rejection and abandonment and being alone came up in my step 10. Well I was alone anyway having them even in a farther circle. It was like they were taking up space of a sorts because every now and then they would crop up and want to attention with their empty cups wanting me to fill their empty cups when they were never willing to pour some water into my cup. So I was alone anyway, in regards to them, so I asked me what are the pluses of having them in my life at all? And when I did my step ten saying to me and really looked honestly, I could see no reason why they were even there. We dont share Share anything. Not even fun stuff to laugh about. They were just like Dusty knickknacks on my mantle of life that I did not even like and did not want to take care of anymore so like the knickknacks, I just downsized and clean them out of my life. The healthier I get, the more discerning I get, the more picky I get, my circles of relationships have decreased
a while ago I took myself out of the bargain basement and I put myself upstairs, under the glass, where all the other precious jewels stay. I only want healthy, mutual, loving, mutually beneficial and nurturing and sharing and caring relationships in my life. Even though people in my outer circle, they do offer a laugh an entertainment at times so I let them stay in their outer circle. But I change all the time now because I am changing all the time and therefore my relationships are changing along with my changes for the better. I hope this Post made sense, it is time for me to eat and get out of here and go to the gym
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 10th of November 2018 02:21:30 PM
