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Hi MIP family, I had written about the report that my STBXAH was seen on the street with brown teeth a few weeks ago and I had been concerned about him smoking drugs, and tonight he sent a photo of his Visa card to the moving/storage company (I was cc'd because it involved me) and there is a crack pipe and some crack in the background. I am at a loss. It explains a lot of his erratic behaviour and he has completely disappeared from mine and my daughter's life since the sale of our house when he got a large sum of money. I'm not really sure why I'm posting, except it's just a bombshell for me and it's nice to have a place to vent and share, since many of you are familiar with addiction destroying the lives of people we have loved - even though this is drugs now.
I guess my only question is this is very extreme and I can see things getting worse at a faster and faster pace. Can I pass this information on to his friends, they are very concerned about him in general and have commented that he seems like he is spiralling - but I have some concrete evidence that they can use to possibly confront him. I am trying to stay in my own lane, I know I can't save him and I don't want to be involved in any of it. I just feel badly holding onto this information and not sharing with people who might be able to give it a shot, I feel like he is approaching a point of no return. I know the chances are still very slim that it will work, and in my own sick way, I feel like I'm betraying him. How messed up is that after all this time?
Vicki I learned from the elders to check my motives when planning to do things that affected the life of my alcoholic/addict and to take all the time necessary when doing that. In reality though I wished and wanted to be effective in part with helping her find recovery she found it on her own with her own help and higher power. Her path was clearly humble and committed and she found sobriety while HP used her to teach me what she had learned and was practicing. Her method affected so many others In program where we lived and even made it into Alanon. Keep coming back
What Jerry says is 100% true .. I am so sorry for your X and your family. Motives are a huge factor and I encourage you to make sure you are doing what you need to do to take care of you.
I think one thing that this year has taught me is people have their own life paths and no matter what I do that life path will be lived out because I am not their HP and I don't have their lessons to learn. It is very painful to watch a train wreck and know I have to get out of the way while allowing someone else to decide if they will leave the tracks or remain on them.
You would have thought that my XAH sent that lesson .. however it was my kid who absolutely reinforced it without question.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
So Sorry to hear your STBXA is Using again, I have so Many I Care about that I just want to Jump in and Save as well, and its Hard to know I Can't.... Like Jerry Mentioned I had to ask myself what I would Gain by doing it? By Breaking their Secret...
What I have Learned from My Experience with those I care about, if these Peeps are Really "Friends or Family" of this Person, they already know... And Me Putting my Two cents in what I know, wasn't going to help them one way or another, because since I Stepped away from their Disease, (Even tho I Still Care for them) They seen me as the "Bad Guy"... So Anything I Said was Taken Wrong whether it was Sincere or Not...
Now In Order to Help another, I Set them in Prayers, I Lift them up that way... Some have Found their way to Recovery, Some sadly have not, but I do let them all know that if they Choose to Get Help, I would Indeed Guide them to a Place that would be Helpful... I Always have a List of Meetings On Hand to Hand out, whether for Al-Anon/AA/NA Sadly Our Area don't have any for Adult Children, but I'm Grateful for what we do have...
Its Tough to Care for Someone we Know is Spiraling out of control, and if they took a Picture, and sent it to someone with their Drug of Choice in the Photo, well it does make a statement, but I would have to ask myself if it was My Statement to Make? Because Apparently they are Not Trying to Hide it...
Please Take what you Like and Leave the Rest... Its a Hard Choice, and its reason's like that I Know I have to Keep Coming Back... :)
Hi everyone, I have decided to pass the information along and leave it alone, I won't be involved in anything to do with approaching him. It feels wrong to me to keep this information to myself because it is such a concerning development. I feel like it's not my place to decide that their attempt at reaching out is completely pointless, what if I'm wrong? He is the father of my daughter, so I feel like there's nothing to lose.
My motives are that I hope there is a small chance this could actually help him - he is clearly in a very dark place and I hope that someone reaching out a hand to him might work. I fear things are going to get worse very quickly at this stage, I believe the decline from crack is much faster than alcohol or many drugs, but I know his bottom is his own, and this might not be it. :(
Many of his friends feel like they "missed the opportunity" to confront him about his demons because our marriage blew apart so spectacularly and his downward spiral really took hold, so much before that was in secret. I think they are still very much believing they have a last chance to save him (they are all very cynical at this point as well). I don't want to stand in the way of them giving it an honest chance, although many of them are still under the belief that concrete evidence is what they need to confront what's happening. I know that this actually is worth very little after my own struggles to save him, but they are in a different place than I am.
Thanks for the responses, it really is heartbreaking how quickly he has declined since our split a year and a half ago, it takes my breath away sometimes. I am also selfishly dreading anger and blowback from him for sharing this information. Personally, I'm feeling okay, some deep sadness for him, but focusing on myself and my life, keeping my daughter safe and happy. We are both doing well and settling into our new life and I am so thankful that I separated my life from his. I am still unpacking how unhealthy and unhappy those last few years had been.
I think accepting, seeing and believing the progression of the disease is hard. We speak of it, but until you witness it, it's hard to embrace, accept and believe. I no longer am asked about my boys by most people simply because I set a boundary that their business was their business and when others asked, I gave them the phone number I had most recently, and then let go.
I also do not believe one substance is worse than another. I've seen people die from alcohol use/poisoning as fast as from a drug overdose. For an addictive person, any/all mind/mood altering substances are dangerous. I'm sending prayers for you, your daughter and your STBXAH - this disease is powerful, progressive and cunning. (((Hugs))) - good to see you back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am reminded about what I learned about what Al-Anon is and does when I first got into program after reading the posts this morning. I am grateful to be here and a part of this caring family. ((((hugs))))
My night took a very extreme turn - STBXAH started demanding to show up for Halloween tomorrow (he hasn't seen our daughter since early August) - I said no and he quickly started threatening me with the police and family court and all these other very big demands and I ended communication. He called my SIL and was very aggressive and scary with her as well and telling her he was going to show up at her house with the police. Very scary behaviour and I have been in touch with my attorney to make sure I'm okay keeping my dd away from him. Thanks for listening everyone, it has been such a blessing to be free from him the last few months, but this program helps when I'm dealing with the insanity up close (I know it's always there!)
I too hope that your Halloween was full of fun, not drama!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
He did not follow through and Halloween was great. Thanks for asking :) My lawyer advised me to tell him I would have to show the police the incriminating photo if he did anything like that. He is spinning trying to come for a visit since then - but I have told him he cant come yet. I am currently waiting to hear from my lawyer, I want him to pass drug screening before any visitation and make the most of this. I always knew that I wanted to impose some restrictions on his visitation with drinking/drugs but I was able to drift for a while because he was absent and it wasnt an issue. I am trying to look at the photo as a blessing. I was certainly feeling more and more anxious about him trying to visit since started mentioning coming in the last few weeks - after I suspected he was smoking crack (before the photo)
He acted completed puzzled about the photo, could I call him and explain what I could possibly be seeing, what a crazy accusation etc. I mean its clear as day. But I am so comforted knowing I dont have to explain and argue with him. So nice to be able to know the truth and move ahead with what it right. Alanon is the best!
The only thing that matters is my daughters safety and my own. I really want to cut ties with him as much as possible at this point and make some strong decisions to make our future better and safer.
(((VickiR))) - glad that you and your daughter had a nice Halloween. Also super happy to hear you've talked with your lawyer and gotten advice/suggestions that will work for your scenario. Keep leaning into recovery - it looks great on you! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
