The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been awhile since I last posted, although I do come and read the posts now and again as a supplement to my CAL everyday.
I am at a real frustrating spot right now.....and I can't seem to pray, read or meeting into a tame-able beast! I am really seeing the progression of the disease in my AH. Although he is not stumbling around drunk, his consumption fluctuates between mid-heavy use daily. By early evening the effects are evident and it is soooo taking its toll on him in all areas of his life.
Needless to say, he is sleeping a lot; naps during the day and then he is usually OUT for a couple of hours after dinner. What is so frustrating for me lately though is how lazy and inattentive he has gotten toward the household upkeep. The jobs big and small keep piling up and he has made no move to do any of the normal steps we take to prep for winter here in western NY. Storm doors not in, garage not cleaned out for a car, and lots and lots of little jobs that he was always able to and proud of keeping up with. He sits in his chair all day long watching re-runs of re-runs. If he empties the garbage he is pretty proud of himself. Yet, he can make a run to "the beer store" without a flinch.
I have offered help, I have offered to hire a handy man, I have been angry, disgusted, kind, understanding and the ever popular....talking about it with him. I am able to get a couple of days here and there of serenity and detachment. I have started step 4 again to take MY inventory instead of his. I have lists of things that I want to work on that are productive and fun for myself. I pray and send it up to HP, but every few days I just get SO angry and SO disappointed and SO disgusted.
I know it is the disease. I know it is progressing. I know he is my beloved A that I am trying to have compassion for. However, it makes me sad and scared and so turned off to him. If I take any more emotional steps back, I'll be in another zip code!
Thank you for letting me vent and if there is any ESH to see me through this, I would greatly appreciate it!
((((El)))) There you are!! and at the start you start to reteach me. Mahalo. "Expectations are future resentments" kicked open the doors of my recovery room and I can use it for me. I read your "I could's list" and thought the getting help one especially from people like Salvation Army and such would be a great move...he might think he deserved the praise and that might depend on how "under" his mind was at the time. Thank him for the idea and take in another meeting. It is honestly great to see your post...Thank you El and Thank you HP. (((((El)))))
{{{{El}}}}, I am sorry you are going through this and can relate. I too went through my helpmate becoming helpless, I too was angry, disappointed, and disgusted --- and I truly wished I were in another zip code! And I felt guilty for having those feelings. It was not easy, but once I got into meetings and had a couple of friends I could share with, it helped. The slogan One Day At a Time was my go-to, several times a day.
The plus side of all this is that I became more capable and self-sufficient. I learned how to do various things myself, and I hired help for tasks I could not do. YouTube has videos on all kinds of fix-it tasks. I bought my own tools, so I didn't have to search through the jumble of tools in our storage area. I still remember the day I went to the hardware store humming the song "If I Had Hammer." They didn't have bread, but they had hammers.
For the most part, I did not ask permission, I just went ahead and took care of what I thought needed to be done. I did ask permission to dispose of a bunch of electronics -- his hobby that he could no longer do -- that were taking up space in our storage room, he was OK with it, and the junk-hauling company became my favorite people. I still feel a warm glow about that team cheerfully loading up and driving off with my unwanted junk.
I wish you the courage to change the things you can ... and a warm safe winter featuring self-care for you.
-- Edited by Freetime on Monday 29th of October 2018 01:27:41 PM
Hi (((El))) welcome back. I'm sorry for the frustration and sadness you're feeling. To me, it seems like there is always a sense of grieving when it comes to our relationship with the active alcoholics in our lives. There's a lot of non participation for them and sadness for those who love them. It is really a dreadful disease. Alcohol is a depressant so I have to believe that the more progressed, the more difficult it becomes to get out of that funk.
It sounds like you're experiencing all the extreme feelings that come with loss and grieving. You're putting it all in your higher power's hands as Alanon suggests. That makes sense. I have also found our CAL Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses is a comforting read during times of confusion. It's helped with validating my feelings at those times and to let go and let god have what's weighing heavy on my heart. There are no one size fits all answers when it comes to the disease of alcoholism and it's progression. It's so painful to witness when you love someone and you want them to get well. I hope you will find your focus for those good things on your list that are for just you. You deserve to work on those and enjoy the fun things. To me, it's a bit like our reading about needing to put an oxygen mask on ourself first before being able to offer loving support to another. Keep sharing and keep taking care of you. ((((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Welcome back :) i'm so sorry this awful disease is taking a toll. I really encourage self care for yourself beyond the alanon lit stuff. Maybe hiring that handy man for your own peace of mind. I hate winterizing lol. It's a pain and it's frustrating. Big hugs S ;)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thank you so much everyone for your replies. I am able to take away something from each one of you. Off to a meeting this morning.....a much needed meeting.
Hey El - great to see you....sorry for what's brought you back. I can relate to your post and also did much like milkwood - did what I needed/could and hired the rest. I can also relate to Jerry's post - expectations are future resentments. I am always reminded by my sponsor that there is no shame EVER is returning to Step 1 and embracing that we are powerless and things have become unmanageable again/still.
Working the steps and this program is far from a one and done deal. For anybody who spouts off they are cured, fixed, etc. - I tend to shy away as that's not what it's about. It's about learning how to accept life on life's terms, one day at a time, no matter what's going on around us. I think at times if we've been around for a while, we wonder why we're where we are. I don't believe there are mistakes in our journey and if we are stuck, stumbling or feeling we've stepped backwards, there is a reason and purpose for it. Life is hard enough for most of us that adding self-judgement to the mix is unhealthy.
I hope you find the peace available at your meeting. For me, no matter what is going on and how I feel, meetings lift me up! Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
