The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I run towards the roar means I face things head on, right? My picture is much more gentle and sedate. I picture a wooden rowing boat heading out through the surf to open water. I have to keep alert and have a good hold on both oars. I just keep the prow of the boat facing into the waves. I keep moving forwards. I know if I get sideways to the waves I might get swamped.
In my rural culture people do their best to look happy and easy going. No-one wants a sad sack. So digging into those emotions is just like facing the waves. If I sit there relaxed, and keep my wits about me- then I will come to no harm. Once in calm water I can turn around and come back through the surf. I do not need to go out there on rough turbulent days. I can pick my time.
Mostly, these days I work steps 10, 11, and 12.... I don't seem the 'hit the wall' much and need to start another step 1. well, not any more.
My stepfather passed away last week; the funeral is tomorrow. He was a lovely sober man and loved my mum. He gave me a good role model to follow.
I have had to allow myself time to grieve- but I do not have to grieve for the person he might have been.
I can simply feel grateful for the person he actually was. An honest humble person.
(((David))) - I am so sorry for the loss of your stepfather. I send best to you and all for the loss as well as the funeral tomorrow.
How wonderfully awesome that you were gifted with knowing a lovely role model who loved your mom. I love that you are grateful for who he was - an honest humble person.
I am reminded that when our time comes to an end here on earth, we will not be remembered for where we worked, what job we had, the home we lived in, years in recovery, the income we earned or the toys we had but rather by the way we treated others and lived life. You've honored him with the best summary I can think of, one I aspire to always.
I also use the 10, 11, 12 steps to 'stay in the middle of the boat'. When I put anything in front of my recovery, I run the risk of moving in that boat and either falling overboard or tipping it. I keep life simple, live one day at a time, and just focus on the middle of the boat and trust my HP to lead me where I am to go. Peace to all of you and glad you're part of my journey!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Saturday 29th of September 2018 04:04:33 PM
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I needed to hear your message David because it is a part of who I was, who I am and who I need to be. I just spent time with my sponsor this morning addressing some of these issues that lag and hold on to my personality pre-program. I continue to need to change the things I can the best I can and not return to the past to use what didn't work then or now; the habits from insanity. Some of the elders from my past were as valuable as your step father was for you and it is to their influences that I need to return as to those in program who have and had the ESH which helped me change. Mahalo for being such as them. ((((hugs))))
I don't run toward the roar today as the outcome very often was that I made things worse. I know worse better than better and it is why I remain.
-- Edited by JerryF on Saturday 29th of September 2018 04:08:47 PM
Hi David I too am sorry to hear of your loss I will light a candle in his memory.
As far as"running toward the roar" That was my go to response prior to program. Today I hear the roar, ask if it is in my hula hoop to respond to then act in a constructive well thought out manner No more "reacting"
Gracious HP!! Not only did I hear the roar I added my roar to it tonight as my eldest son and youngest son here for family dinner wanted to tell me "how it is" and "how it is supposed to be". The mouths were working and not the ears and I was trying to work program on/with them of course that didn't and would not happen as I am still outside of the circle of respect which dissolved years ago when the marriage ended with their mother and they decided they know what I am supposed to learn from them. Geeeez what an unexpected mess yet for real if I had expected it I would have ended it earlier.
I am listening intently now for the directions from HP. Even my wife is pissed at me and that isn't even close to what I long for in our relationship...amends time. Place me where you want me...tell me what to do. HALT....((((Hugs))))
(((Jerry)) I have experienced situations which resemble exactly what you had last night and know it is not easy. Progress not perfection is our goal .Forgive yourself and make amends
(((Jerry))) - sending you tons of hugs, prayers and positive healing thoughts.
I can so relate - I went to my son's home yesterday to help clean for a huge birthday party they are having today for the little people. He was ranting and raving about how I can't remember anything and he did ...... I looked at him, and quietly said I am not aging in reverse so if my memory bothers you now, it's going to just get worse! I also was able to remain calm, and just say - You are right. He continued with his lecture, and I point-blank then asked, "Do you think you might need a meeting?"
That quieted him down a bit simply because when I can remember to speak a common language, I believe we depart from mother/son to people in recovery. It's so, so easy to 'go there' with family as they know where every button is installed.
You got this brother - we are only imperfectly perfect and HP knows what's in your heart always!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
What a beautiful picture you've painted, David. Especially of what happens when you get sideways to oncoming emotions. I can totally see how I do that, and how I then get dunked because of it. But usually I'm on the beach hiding under an old broken row-boat. I'll wave to you as you go past
{{{{Gerry}}}}. Very sorry for your loss. I am often seen as the bad guy in my family although I am accepting, not judging, and having compassion for all their flaws. As a member of Alanon I look at myself and my behavior on a daily basis. I try to pause, listen and learn, and not respond until I have reasoned things out and can do it in a respectful way. I see my son several times a week and he always tells me something I should be doing or not doing. I guess it's almost comical. My family will never understand my walk with Alanon but I will continue to embrace this logical and compassionate program, Lyne
Thank you for the topic, David. I am sorry for your loss. Yet grateful for all the ways Higher Power expressed (Himself) through your stepfather.
I'm not sure where "running at the roar" comes from, but unofficial slogans pass through sometimes.
The evolution of this thread reminds me of a worthy roar that I picked up in recovery....
That of not being a helpless, bleating sheep. I arrived at the realization, through the study and use of 12 steps, that I am a lion of courage, a child of God, or a reflection of God.
I find that it's not so much other people I need to roar at however. I need to roar at the shortcomings in ME that are aroused when the actions of others threaten me. I need to roar at myself, "Wake up! Stop acting like a cringing mortal when you are a child of God..."
Sometimes others make me feel I don't matter or I'm invisible or I'm not enough. Living in an alcoholic environment made me feel all those things. An entire dysfunctional family can make me feel those things. Having sought recovery from dysfunctional environment (while they have not, just for today) my family "scapegoats" me ( one of the roles one might play in the dysfunctional family.)
It helped to ask myself, if everyone tells me I'm wrong or bad................ does that make it TRUE???
The entire world believed one man was crazy when he told them the world was round. Every one else believed it was flat. If no one ever roared for Truth (which is Higher Power) in this world, we'd still be in the dark ages.
Perhaps our individual concepts of Higher Power would have us do differently in the face of outright disrespect, I dunno. For me, I've found that my recovery is a work in progress. First I yelled for "my rights"... then I realized I yelled because I actually doubted my rights, lol.... then I gradually progressed into more silence... not having to "prove" myself anymore... just walking away from ignorance.... not needing to wake anybody up anymore... just enjoying the peace and joy.... serving God best by using His example.
If we only realized how much Higher Power loves us, right?? (((((peace)))))
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 30th of September 2018 12:19:15 PM
((((MIP)))) Family...I am still reading this set...s l o w l y as it has so much support for me, mind, body, spirit and emotions. Alcoholism has brought me to this powerless point and I will remain powerless expectant that my Higher Power is abiding with me not liking the situation anymore than I. The roar has left marks on my mind and my spirit because the disease I feel (could be wrong) gained more foot hold in my life bringing with it family members who had up till last night not added their own roar and then empathizing that with physical negative reactions.
I have a meeting I am going to and HP is waiting in the van for me to drive us out to recovery. I will listen during the drive.
Mahalo for your kindness and consideration and care. ((((hugs))))
I run toward the roar is my mantra -- and the roar comes from the lion of fear, the uncomfortable, the easy thing to do, the popular thing to do, the people pleasing thing to do, the enabling thing to do. Whatever it is. My dad raised me to do one uncomfortable thing every day -- to step out of your comfort zone every day. And, I do. Having gone through being married to an alcoholic, part of the fallout, the byproduct, whatever you want to call it -- is fear, trepidation, a hesitancy, an orientation toward negative, risk, whatever. Think about what the disease of alcoholism can do to us. Not alcoholics. Us. So, to me run towards the roar means I don't let fear beat me and cause me to run away. I don't let the uncomfortable overcome or overwhelm me. I don't let the popular decision make me run away from the right decision, the healthy decision. In my many years being in the roms of alanon, when given the opportunity to walk right up to the mirror and look at oneself...many people skirt around the mirror, glance at it from a safe distance, and so on. Some run away from the mirror. Some people are afraid of the mirror. Even people who have many years in the rooms, in recovery.
To each in their own time and in their own way. I have a never-ending, constant effort, to improve, get better, be better, live better, and more. So, when something tough comes along -- I look forward to it. That's living. Each person goes through whatever they go through, in their own way, in their own time. To each their own. I love that getting better, getting healthy, working the incredible program of alanon -- everything is about me. No where in the steps -- except for the seventh word of the first step -- do we talk about the alcoholic, alcohol, or alcoholism. I don't see referencing the alcoholic, him, her, they, them. It is an "I" and "We" program -- hence the camaraderie, sponsorship, fellowship, friendship. I love step 12 and how I live. Alanon for me is a curriculum for living.
-- Edited by Bo on Sunday 30th of September 2018 05:08:09 PM
-- Edited by Bo on Sunday 30th of September 2018 05:09:35 PM
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thank you for sharing David and there are many ways with which we can run to the roar. We dont have to be a growling, howling, wolf with fangs bared, we can walk softly and carry a big stick. We dont have to do the big explosive approach to overcome our fears, sometimes I can look in the mirror and just gently visualize myself and encourage myself to do what I am afraid to do, sometimes very quietly sometimes unnoticed by anyone but me.
Most of my life I ran to fix others then resented them. Now I run to make my own life better and detach from others. I no longer feel comfortable sinking in the swamp
Maresie
hey Maresie, Ohhh I soooo relate to what you said about "fixing others then resenting them" and yea...now I run to help ME, take care of ME, and yea, help those who are honestly trying to help themselves, but not if it is unhealthy/unsafe for me.....detachment!!!! yep!!!! I can love and care and share w/out sacrificing me in the process.....I no longer do the "swamp" thing either....
My inventory steps located a character of spite in me which was connected to a quantity and quality of stubbornness and ego willingness to fight almost everything and everyone that seemed to dare me to prove what ever it thought was available. The consequence of this was I fought a lot and took many chances to "show others" that I was a male to be reckoned. I put myself and others in danger often and still kept listening for roars.
Thnk God I got to learn the workings of ego and the emotion of being appalled as a result of hurting others without justification. Our program has solutions which calm my spirit and teach me the power of giving grace, learning empathy and kindness and feeling the calm of HP's abiding presence.
Mahalo for the post. ((((hugs))))
-- Edited by JerryF on Monday 1st of October 2018 02:25:36 PM
David, thank you for posting your views on this topic sentence. I really liked your anology! I think I may carry this with me from now on. You shared beautifully your acceptance of your Stepfather, and what he provided in your life. It is good you can celebrate his life in the time of his passing.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I can relate to that roar... being drawn to it or being from myself... as Jerry worded it so well. I'm so grateful for Alanon and the MIP family where I can continue to learn how make different choices.
That was my go to response prior to program. Today I hear the roar, ask if it is in my hula hoop to respond to then act in a constructive well thought out manner No more "reacting" 
