The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My husband tells me everytime he has a craving. He said it helps when I talk to him to remind him of why he's getting clean, change the subject to get his mind off of it or have sex. This causes anxiety in me. I sit worrying about whether or not he will fight the craving or give in. THen I get to worrying about whether or not he will make it at all. I try to tell him that it causes me anxiety and he told me that I asked him to start being open and honest with me for our marriage to work. He said that if it is causing anxiety how do I think he feels? He is at an NA meeting right now. He seems to be enjoying them. I have to keep reminding myself that I can't work his program for him or tell him how. I suggested last night that he call someone from the program because I didn't know what to tell him about his cravings. He said he didn't feel like talking to anyone and I found myself giving a lecture about unity, I' Can't, We Can, reaching out and opening up...
Today he is very frustrated about not finding a job. I am getting frustrated with him for not finding a job, but I know that he is looking and trying. In desparation, I sent an email to the doctor Phil show about two weeks ago. Someone called me back today.
What does the future hold for us? It's very frightening, but the prossibilities are exciting as well.
Sounds like these are tricky times for you, but so far you guys both seem to be doing real good. Don't have a experience to share unfortunately, but all my prayers and best wishes. Some day maybe my A will go into recovery and I will remember the strength you are showing us right now!
Take care of you!
- r
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I wish I knew of something that could help you. I do not though. I am not at that point yet and I am not sure I ever will be. I will probably leave my A before he decides to get clean.
You have been here for me and I want to offer you that same support and encouragement. The only think I can think of outside of your A finding someone from the group to talk to is that maybe YOU could find someone to talk to. Maybe after you help your husband through his cravings and your nerves are stretched to the limit, you can pick up the phone and find someone to reach out to that will help smooth things over. Help your A, then help yourself. Do you think that might help.
You have the same feelings I'm having right now - even though my 'a' is still very much an 'a' with the only plans to quit are when he sits down to have a drink (he says 'I'm really gonna quit this stuff').
The good things about the Dr. Phil show is that you may actually get the BEST help! This guy is probably a billionaire by now, and it's nothing for him to fund the best facilities for getting clean. Geesh - if I thought my 'a' would go on the show I'd actually consider it, but he'd never in a million years allow anyone to see him as being anything but perfect! That's his biggest problem. He doesn't think he has a problem that he can't fix himself. AA is out of the question for him - he believes he can quit when he's ready, but of course that time never comes.
I understand your anxiety, though. It's almost as though you feel stuck in a time warp and you need a breakthrough of some sort. If he does get a job, that would be such a good thing if he's ready to start something new, and if not - it could make matters worse. Wish I could help more - but at this point in my life - I don't feel very helpful. All I can say is hang in there and hope for the best and it may actually happen!
Aloha Powerless....Great asking for yourself, for your own recovery. Humbling isn't it admitting that you are powerless and then this is the very first step. Second step? Came to believe that a power greater than myself could lead me to sanity. Where are you with Faith? The opposite of Fear is...Faith. (My experience and practice) I have the faith that no matter what ever is going on in my life I will be and am okay!! A definition of fear that comes from the AA program (helpful buggers) is an anagram.
F. False Evidence Appearing Real. If my head dream't it up chance are it's not real.
I have been wrong so many times for so many wrong reasons that I just stopped judging, investigating, complaining and fearing. What I try to do today is remind myself always that I don't know what's going on in other peoples' minds, lives and motivations and that they are not waking up in the morning with a "Sh--" list with my name on the top position. I don't have to defend myself or protect myself for something that is not happening and may not ever. Weird way of looking at life and then I have been fear free for so long I can't even remember what anxiety and worry are like.
When I look after the consequences I want for my life and do the things necessary to arrive there, I feel more confident and fearless. WOW!!
You might have no power over others but the program teaches us that the only person we can hope to have any power over is ourselves. Go To It!!
For me the fear never leaves, it comes with the disease. However I have learned how to live with it or push it to the back of my mind. I have to detach from the fear, otherwise there are days that it would paralyze me.
I do talk to hubby about his fears and mine. It helps us to get it out in the open. Someone once told me that fear is strength trying to tell you something. That within all this fear comes great strength. Strength to keep working our program. Strength to have better communication with the ones we love. Strength just to get out of bed.
Letting Go and Letting God is the best way to release your fear. Have faith that your HP will take care of you, and hubby's HP will take care of him.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
It is scary to think about our A's slipping but it does happen. what I have learned in life is that what I focus on, manifests, comes true into reality.
Also, it's real convenient for him to lay all of his feelings on you but I don't think it is very fair... he ought to be telling this stuff in his meetings or having a sponsor to call. As A's/addicts & al-anoner's we have diffferent issues to deal with.
You can't fix him & he can't fix you. Part of what our wondeful spiritual program is all about is learning to focus on ourselves. IMHO, it's pretty damn selfish of him to lay all of his "gunk" out on you, like emotional diaherria w/ some guilt & manipulation piled on top for good measure.
My ESH, I'd just say, 'look you write your feelings down or talk to your sponsor, go to a mtg, it is unfair of you to lay this on me & quite frankly your recovery (as in each & every painful step he works out) is none of your business anyway.'
Having sex is great, if you are a willing participant & want to be close to him but this won't stop him from slipping either ~ focus on yourself & your Program.
Take care of you. As far as fear goes... it is an emotion like any other one we experience, working/walking through it is brave & courageous.
I also read somewhere (forget the source) but it said: "around the corner from fear is something really great! Most of us just stop in our tracks & never find out, fear just means it is something new & different." You can do it! It obviously took a lot of guts to call the Dr. Phil show, kudos & good luck with that... remember only you can change or control you. If you don't love yourself first, who will. We deserve our best love and care!
Hang in there, this too shall pass.
Your friend in recovery, love, -Kitty of Light
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Weird way of looking at life and then I have been fear free for so long I can't even remember what anxiety and worry are like.