The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
When I listen but don't really incorporate into my life the principles that I hear about over and over in meetings, and read about in program literature, my HP is sure to remind me with a practical (usually very painful) example when I get ahead of myself and forget to practice what I've heard. Just today, here I am thinking that just because my adult son is not drinking or using, all is good and maybe I can start to have some expectations - WRONG !!! The details of my sad disappointment aren't important, and I'm sure that most of the folks here have experienced something similar, but I was reminded today, painfully, that an alcoholic \ addict that's no longer drinking or using BUT not working any kind of program, while he's in a marginally better place because he's not drinking or using, he's still an alcoholic \ addict who often fails to deal with the same character defects and limitations that he had to deal with before he stopped drinking and using - he's a dry drunk, and while he's maybe, sometimes, easier to tolerate, when I start to have any expectations about his situation, I am setting myself up for failure and disappointment - and today that disappointment hit me right in the face.
What you say is so true! I am sorry for the pain/disappointment you are now experiencing!
Peace
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I hear you and have experienced similar. I had unrealistic expectations of a return to the way things used to be. Working on acceptance that is not going to happen and there is going to be a new normal going forward. It has really been like a period of grieving for the child I used to have that is no longer. There is some good things happening to and I have to look and be grateful for those as well not focus on the losses.
Those pesky expectations have a way of quickly turning into resentments. I have a history of expecting other people to change so I can finally feel OK. I get reminded over and over when they fail to meet my expectations that I'm back to trying to control what is not mine to control. Back to step 1!
Thanks for the ESH. What I find particularly mystifying, is that while I have seen over and over and over again that his situation is something that I can't control, I can't stop myself from trying in subtle or sometimes not so subtle ways to guide his ship to where I think it'd be best for him - my own ship often ends up on a sandbar, and yet I think I can do a good job guiding his ship - and my good intentions end up pushing him further away - maybe it's time for me to detach with love and trust his HP to do all he can to guide my son down the right path - something I've had shown to me many times over the past years, but yet I just can't implement it.
-- Edited by texas yankee on Tuesday 28th of August 2018 09:18:27 PM
(((Texas Yankee))) - I am so sorry to hear of your pain. I can so, so relate. My youngest is active in his disease again, after being sober for a year - the longest ever and we've had a few starts/stops. I find myself waffling between trusting God and leaning into program and wondering if he'll survive this one. What I end up realizing is that I am powerless over the disease, sobriety or active, and there are just days and moments that it stinks to high heaven.
I do know that I love my son deeply - I just hate this disease. I have first hand experience with this disease, and know that it never stops pulling at the person and yet I still had expected if he made it a year, he had a fighting chance. I also completely hear you about the higher power and lessons. I've spent a ton of quality time with sponsor and program friends because no matter what my brain says, my heart still wonders what I could have/should have .... differently.....a bit of self-pity and a bunch of insane guilt.
I'm glad you shared and hope it brought some relief! I do get relief when I become aware I am not alone and I am not at fault. Sending tons of thoughts and prayers your way....for you and your son!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Sorry to hear about your son's relapse, Iamhere - I don't even wanna think about how experiencing something like that would bring me to my knees, or worse. I really wish that I could accept my powerlessness over this disease, but even if I was able to do that, for me the pain of seeing someone you love suffering as these poor souls do would still be almost unbearable for me - even just thinking about it gives me nightmares. I've been accused of having ice water in my veins, but this stuff is beyond my capability to accept.
I also wish that I could just trust God, just let this stuff all go, but then I realize that IF I could do that, then I'd start trying to figure out all the stuff about how I'm probably not able to understand why God does or doesn't do what I want Him to do, or why He doesn't cause to happen what I'd see (what anyone would see) as a good outcome for my son, and why He doesn't just put us on the right road versus giving us that damm free will to make our own decisions about stuff.
I'm 68 - I have dealt with a lot of heavy stuff over the years (divorces, job stuff, my own problems with drug addiction and alcohol abuse, and the list goes on and on), and I see this stuff with my son as the one unresolved issue still in front of me - at least as far as stuff that really matters - and considering that it may not be resolved before my time here ends is frustrating and troubling.
I gotta find a way to get over the edge on this stuff and start living it, versus reading about it and talking about it.
TY - Not sure if this helps or not but coming to Al-Anon and working it as best I can has given me choices. Before recovery, I would stew, worry, complain, and do a ton of isolating and suffering in silence. I lived my life with extreme anxiety, anger, sadness and tons of negativity.
Today, I just practice what is suggested. I make a decision each day, often more than once, to trust what has not yet been revealed to me. I try to just do the next right thing for this day, and take action suggested to focus on me, my health, my outlook, my attitude, etc. Recovery has given me a solid tribe of trusted program friends that I can turn to for support and ESH.
There is no easy path that I've found for accepting life on life's terms. Yet, when I do lean towards a power that's smarter, wiser and greater than I who has a master plan, it eases my load. It's a process, and progress is 'winning'. Perfection is over-rated in my master plan, just for today.
I can say that I've seen many, many miracles in recovery and keep hope alive in my heart always. (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks, Iamhere - "Not sure if this helps or not" - sure it helps - EVERYTHING here helps in one way or the other. Funny coincidence for me today - I had an quick outpatient procedure this morning so while I was waiting to be knocked out, I was reading one of my favorite books - "When Bad Things Happen To Good People" - I've found lots of wisdom in all of the author's books, and I often return to one of his books when I'm troubled or in need of direction - this morning, I happened to turn to a chapter about praying - I feel pretty comfortable with Step 11's guidance on prayer (doesn't Step 11 make prayer SO simple ?), but I always wonder what happens after I do my part and pray like Step 11 suggests - LOL, I always wonder what happens on my HP's side of the fence and how He's gonna handle it. As usual, for me, the author's words this morning were right on target - "The first thing that prayer does for us is to put us in touch with other people, people who share the same concerns, values, dreams, and pains that we do." (emphasis is mine) The author also talked about how, with prayer, "the community would be able to share the most joyous and the most frightening moments of life. No one would have to face them alone." I guess what he's saying is that God is gonna do what God is gonna do and that's probably something that I'll never have insight to - but as far as prayer, that's one way I can connect with other people to seek comfort and share joy - for me, that's what happens here. Thanks, again.
I so relate to fighting a battle I cannot win. It can happen with anyone (including folks who are in 12-step recovery, yes?)
In my inventory work over such "disappointment," I noticed that my ambition was always threatened. I wanted control and couldn't have it. I eventually had to examine and define (and re-define) what my "ultimate ambition" really was.
For me, through daily continued practice of step 11, realizing how conscious contact brings the ultimate fulfillment - the experience of fathomless joy... God's will never has to be more complicated than that, and for me, it is the ultimate ambition.
For me, a deep silent meditation is what was meant when we say we are willing to go to any lengths to get "it." At first, it seems an impossible battle to quiet that restless monkey-mind (dis-ease.) but until I do, restless mind will forever run the show, hung up on the drama of life.
In al-anon, they say our own changed attitudes may aid recovery in others... we become the change we want to see in the world.... as an "example"... still letting go, letting go, letting go... of all attachment to results. Still letting God be the great Director. Had I actually gotten my kids to knuckle under, I would surely believe I had some great powers
lol
So I thank you for your post which is a wonderful affimation for me today... you write about what brings you peace. and you write about what brings stress. Thoughts of HP residing within you brings peace. Thoughts turned outside at dis-ease brings stress. That's the way it works for me too so I am going to practice that again today. I will correct myself when I begin to pray, "God I want YOUR will..... and I want THIS too."
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 30th of August 2018 09:51:54 AM
Great share TexasYankee - and so true. I do believe that what binds us together in recovery is greater than what brought us here.....I am glad you keep coming back and hope all went well with your procedure!
HP - your share reminds me also that I hear, see and get what I need when I need it - I am not some spiritual guru or anything yet do feel that a divine intervention is the root cause of 'how it all works'.
I have been focused on the Serenity Prayer and the abbreviated version lately - "Bless Them, Change Me". Sometimes, these 2 prayers are all I need!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
hi texas.......after my son died....a double winner said to me....."nothing I did or didn't do could have changed it"...there wasn't much I didn't try to steer his ship around.....none of it changed the outcome......parents want the best for there child....esp if they are troubled....I don't know if this will help or not.....but going thru all I did with him.....I realized that i internalized all his stuff as though it were mine.....I felt his pain......it was easy for me to see what he needed to do....its hard to see ones child as a separate person that we cant exert parental stuff over like we could when they were growing up......like an extention of myself.......its hard to find peace inside when its our child suffering.....there's subtle differences between having hope and expectations......some ramblings here....maybe something in it will help
