The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
things have been going well for me. my dad has been out of town for a few weeks and will be gone for another 2 weeks. i worry about him & the people he's with, but i realize there is nothing i can do about it. if he makes it home and in one piece...he does. if he doesn't...then i guess he doesn't. but i can count on one hand the # of times i've worried about him since he's been gone.
BUT I HAVE ANOTHER WORRY...
i saw my little brother(24) the other day-he looked horrible! i have a feeling he is going to end up like my dad and an A. his eyes were puffy, face swollen,...ect. he just seemed out of it. i asked him if he was stoned and he said "no, just tired." he acted like that all day. so i worry about him. he has the most wonderful and supportive girlfriend. we all love her! they have dated for over 4yrs(even for a year while he was in iraq). well, i found out yesturday that they broke up. he won't say why, but i think it has something to do with him not being the "go getter" he was when they first started dating. he used to have goals, plans, and a joy to be around. now, he sleeps all day, still goes to school(but can't imagine how he gets the grades he doesA+). every time i ask him for a favor or invite him over he acts like a martyr. he thinks i should feel special that he graced me with his precence. i feel like i am watching a movie. my father's life is a disaster and now i am watching my brother's life heading in that direction.
it's so frustrating. i end one worry, but i feel like my HP is throwing another at my way. maybe this is just my life. maybe i was meant to worry and try to protect those around me. maybe that's my calling. i love my family so much and just want the best for them. why won't they do what's best for them??
I have found that HP keeps throwing me the same stone until I change my reaction to it. Sometimes I sit and wonder...what am I supposed to be learning from this? Because I am a slow learner when it comes to A's and codependancy!
I have followed many of your posts and can definitely see your growth. Take a look at step 12, even if you are not any where near there yet. For me, I seem to need to do this on a daily basis. Practice the principles in all of my affairs. I have found that it is often easier for me to practice the principles of Al-anon in affairs that do not center around the A in my life, which in turn makes them kick in a little quicker when I am dealing with the A. I know it is a little backwards, but for me it seems to be helping.
I also had another thought. You mentioned that your brother was in Iraq. Is there the possibility that he is suffering from post traumatic stress syndrome? I think that we cannot begin to imagine what our soldiers have seen, experienced etc. while over seas. Just a thought.
I do understand your concerns. It's not for me to label anyone anything but I see signs of dysfunction throughout my family. I believe my Dad is a functioning A, he has some serious health problems but continues to drink. My Mum openly admits she has food issues and comfort eats but doesn't want to go to Overeaters Anonymous. My older brother I think also has food issues but he's happy with his choices and doesn't see it as a problem. I smoke cigarettes and so far have been unable to stay stopped so I guess I haven't hit my bottom. My younger brother seems to be developing a problem with alcohol, he's already been told its affected his liver and his family life is in chaos.
Although these problems have not reached crisis point, I too have concerns for my family. Being unable to give up my own addiction made me realise that there is nothing I can do about my family's choices. If and when they are ready to address their problems they will. In the meantime, I've expressed my worries about their behaviours (as they have mine) and I've offered to support them should they seek help. I don't think there's anything else I can do. I cannot afford to set myself up as 'Family-Rescuer'. I have to concentrate on improving the quality of my life and working my Al-Anon recovery for myself. I find it easier to detach with love from them than I did my alcoholic partner as 1. their problems are not as extreme...yet and 2. I don't live with them on a daily basis.
I use my program to process my fears and anxiety when they crop up but ultimately, I recognise my powerlessness and have placed my loved ones in the care of their HPs. It is very difficult to sit back and watch someone you love spoil their lives and be unhappy but I know today I have to give them the dignity of making their own mistakes and get out of the way so they experience the consequences of their choices or I may be postponing their bottom and preventing them from seeking recovery. I hope this helps in some way.
This disease makes me so angry. It's cunning and baffling. Remember the 3 C's and focus on having a good life.
I was once told by folks in AA "Allow your Alcoholic the dignity of living their own life and making their own mistakes." Conversely, they will have the dignity of having their own accomplishments too. We must not take that away from them.
When dealing with guilt, which I sometimes still do, I use the following from Melodie Beattie:
Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
Today’s reminder: I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing. I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that. I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed. I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.
It is so much easier to say this than it is to practice it. Break out of that shell though ((((((Flint)))))))) HP wants you to have a wonderful life just like he wants for your brother and father to do. The decision is up to each and every individual though.
yours in recovery,
Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
