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I need some ESH please. My a husband and I have not been married long -- only 1 year. He is leaving at the end of April. This is something that I have wanted for a long time. Now that we plan to separate and divorce, I am feeling a roller coaster of emotions. Some days I am happy about the prospect of being on my own again. Other days I am saddened by the death of my marriage.
I don't really understand this because the a is not someone whose leaving I should be mourning. I have suffered a lot of physical and verbal and emotional abuse from him. I have had to deal with his stealing money from me, I have had to deal with his constant lies, I have had to deal with him constantly being drunk and unpredictable, I lived in terror. So, now I suspect that he has been cheating too. Which, shouldn't surprise me as he cheated while we were engaged and didn't see anything wrong with that.
He expected that I would work myself to death spending 12 hour days at the store while he sat home watching TV and drinking. And then he would complain that I didn't do enough around the house (he did nothing) and that I wouldn't cook for him.
So, this whole thing should be a sigh of relief and good riddence. But, still I feel that tickle of sadness and wish that I could cry.
I went through thr rollercoaster just this last month, it was a hard ride, but I have to tell you the boys and I are so much calmer and at ease with each other being in a stable environment. No more walking on eggshells is awesome.
We can't control how we feel, but we can control how we respond to the caos. Keep your head in the program and stay in touch and this group will get you throug this very trying time just like they did me. They stood behind me every step of the way.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Hello Ditto - it is normal to grieve the loss of a relationship and we often feel that all the crap u talked about is better than being alone. We know we deserve to be treated better deep down but a part of us believes the stuff they tell us and we end up feeling inadequate-go figure.
I don't want to throw a monkey wrench into the statement that he is leaving at the end of April but don't hold your breath , if he really wanted to be out of there he would have gone along time ago , threats are often their last attempt to whip us into shape and get us off thier back. so don't be suprised if on May the 1st he is still there with another excuse as to why he has to wait another month before leaving. Go to meetings for yourself get happy and regardless of what happens on April 30th u will be okay. good luck and look after you Louise
hi ditto, thanks for your share. i too get sad about my a not being at home even when most of the time myself and the kids are leading a much more peaceful existance. i think it takes a while to get used to the change, even when it is for the best. i don't see anything wrong with mourning a loss. it is a true loss, even if it already had been gone. i wish you the best of luck. - quest
It is a hard thing when a relationship ends. My ESH is to feel what you are feeling, don't hold it back, because it will come out sometime. Work thru it now. Grieve, heal and grow. I still get sad, especially because it was not what I wanted. I didn't want my marriage to end. My hardest days are when I think about how I tried. But it was out of my hands, there was no way I could have tried harder, gave more to make things better or helped him, with him not wanting help.
I found, just from my upbring, that I had to deal with the idea of "failure" -- the failure of my marraige. The thing is that a marriage is a partnership, one person can't give all and it still work. I had to come to terms that though my marraige failed, I'm not a failure. That it truly was something that I had no control over to make better. I can only make my life the best it can be, which is something I'm doing now.
For me, I'll probably always have contact with my A because of the kids, so I'll forever need al-anon . It keeps me sane Please keep up with your program, it will help you thru this.
No one likes to be rejected--even by a reject. We all want to be the one to slam the door first. Its a natural instinict. I'd be sad too--because I'd have to admit that I failed and that I picked a wrong partner. I know it in my heart but don't want to admit it to the world. bet you feel the same. take care-- Jeanne
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In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.- Daniel L. Reardon
Hi Ditto, I feel for you. I too separated and subsequently divorced my A. It really was the best thing for us at the time but it didn't insulate me from that roller-coaster of conflicting emotions. I was grieving and my grief was worse than any I had felt on the passing of a loved one. I think for me it was because my loved ones didn't choose to leave me. Even though I initiated our separation and divorce it was because my husband didn't choose to help make the marriage work. Remember, the marriage failed, you didn't. It takes two to keep a marriage alive and well.
You said 'I don't really understand this because the a is not someone whose leaving I should be mourning'. Is it possible your mourning the loss of the person you fell in love with and your dreams of what could have been, the hopes you'd had? This was a factor in my situation. You may also be mourning the loss of who you once were. I 'lost' myself in trying to cope with the alcoholism. Also, even though you know it may be for the best, it is natural to have some apprehension as to how you're going to make it out there on your own in the big, wide world.
I also recommend that you give yourself time and permission to feel your feelings and be gentle on yourself. Stay close to the program and if you haven't already got a sponsor, you might think about getting one. Someone who you can share with on a one-to-one basis regularly and who will give you extra support as you go through this very big adjustment.
In my case my A sought recovery and we are now reconciled but this isn't everyones path. I wish you strength and love to make the choices that are right for you.
For me in so many ways I became addicted to the chaos and pain in my relationship. When my "a" and I separated I actually missed the good and bad times. People around me didn't understand why I would miss him or want him back. I'm a codependent I tried to control everything in my life and his. I pushed and pushed him until he blew up. I lived in a war zone. I hated it and longed to get out of it. Once I was separated from him I began to see how dysfunctional and addicted I was to his behavior and the dance of dysfunction we did. Once I realized it I began to pray for the healing of my addiction and my codependency. I began feeling things again, I began to process my anger and greif (still am). The changes I'm making in me are a blessing, I'm happier, I feel healthier, I feel I'm a better mom, and a better partner. My "a" is noticing the changes in me and he is responding well to it.
I think its natural to have conflicting feelings about separation. Its sounds like you had a very rough time with your "a". I believe in the grief process its like mourning a death. Take this one step and one day at a time. If you can get to a F/F meeting that may help and continue to seek out supports from this site and supportive friends and family. Stay safe and connected. Give yourself the care and love you deserve.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Boy, can I ever relate to this post, and YES, I definitely went through that same roller coaster of emotions... After many counselling appointments, and at least a couple of different counsellors, I finally came to grips with the fact that I was grieving my loss of "the concept of marriage", i.e. the 'white picket fence' marriage and good relationship, etc., etc...
When it finally hit home to me, was when my counselor literally had to raise his voice to get it through to me, by saying: "Tom, you are grieving the loss of a white picket fence marriage, but guess what - yours was NOT a white picket fence marriage!"
I took a long time to fully accept that, but it was 100% true in my case. My marriage was not good or healthy at all, in large part due to my ex's alcoholism, but yet I still grieved and struggled for a long time before I finally left. I was married for ten years, most of them not very happy ones.
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Wow, Ditto, you've definitely hit a nerve ... and apparently not just with me.
For me, I grieved the loss before, during and after the divorce was final. I was the one who filed, but it didn't really make any difference. I loved him, head over heels ... or more accurately I loved the image he projected. I bought it all hook line and sinker. The good times were good, though they became increasingly less frequent and overshadowed with "dry drunk" behavior that I reacted to poorly. The abuse started as apparently little stuff that then got to the point where it was clear to me, though not to anyone on the outside. And I can relate to the complaining that I didn't do enuf (like you and others on this Bd, it was actually the other way around), and living in fear. I'm not sure I really ever knew him ... not sure anyone does ..., I have worked through all of the stages of grief, sometimes one step forward and then 2 or 3 steps back, causing the whole grief process to take me a bit of time, even though rationally I could see what was going on, my feelings are separate from the logic. Some folks thought I should "just get over it" -- but working through the depth of grief I had just didn't work that way for me. It probably took me over five years of riding that "roller coaster of emotions" -- I had some health issues that extended the time, but apparently that was the time I needed. Now, I've finished my grieving and while I don't feel I ever knew my ex in a real sense, I can have a generic love for him -- from afar, and with boundaries ... I can see he is a product of his family of orign, as am I. I am glad that I found my way to al anon to help me work through those alcoholic home life issues, because I believe that as adults we are all accountable for our actions. I also believe that accountability can be gentle, doesn't have to be ram it down my throat accountability, so I try and be gentle with myself as I continue to recover one day at a time. Growing up where and when I did, it was not really considered OK for me to "take care of myself" -- the girls were supposed to take care of everyone else. One of the many things I love about this program is the consistent message that I should focus on myself -- that often the best thing I can do for those I love is to focus on myself in terms of my part in a situation, in terms of self-care, etc etc.
Trust yourself, take care of yourself. Take what is helpful above and leave the rest -- only you know the totality of your circumstances. And keep coming back ... you are worth it.
Yes,you really did hit a nerve. My wife, the a, is in rehab again, for the second time in as many moths. She has basically been gone since the beginning of January, leaving me to care for our two young kids, and work full time. Not easy, but I'm okay with that.
But like everyone else who responded, I too feel this huge sense of calm now that she's been gone for almost 3 months. I know the kids (8 and 11) feel the calm too. She was also verbally and emotionally abusive to me and somewhat to the kids. I guess I also was addicted to the dysfunction. It's hard to let go. I know divorce is the only real answer to free mysefl and my kids from the chaos, and the constant threat of a relaspse, attempted suicides, etc. I hate this disease! It's hurts so many around the a, not just them.
My wife now says she wants a divorce, and wants to start her own life over. But it's a bit of a joke really. She (we, because of her financial mishaps, accidents, etc.) has no money, and now no car. She is like every other a, using desperate threats and lies to get us to give them their way once again. And as much as I want to start my own life over, it's hard to let go of the past.
Oh Ditto, ... I am writing this in part to thank you for your sharing ... and in part to acknowledge (largely to myself) the deep effect it has had on me.
I woke up last night thinking of your post -- or more accurately, my reply to it. I keep saying and writing keeping the focus on ME, and what do I do?, I write that " I'm not sure I really ever knew him ... not sure anyone does ..., " re my ex. -- it hit me last night: 1) that's none of my business, in any variation, 2) who cares AND 3) I was upside-down and inside out away from keeping the focus on me -- what did I know or not know, what did I do or not do, how did I feel and what did I do with that ... my best thinking got me here ... and while I think you all are quite wonderful and so to that extent I am in good company, well, I think you know what I mean. I had information that through my stinking thinking I processed poorly, and acted on poorly, so poorly that it adversely effected me and my beautiful kids. The reality is that I am where I am today; the good and the not so good. Whatever the facts are, they are. And until I accept it all in its entirety, honestly and truly face it, I likely do not have a hope of making good choices. It seems so simple. But for my little brain, it quite apparently is not. Yes I've been overwhelmed with fear ... and thre are lots of good reasons for that ... but I must get past all of the fears. What are some of the things they say re fear: False Emotions Appearing Real (actually my stuff is pretty real), or F___ Everything And Run (this doesn't work too well, though tempting on some days(smile)), but what I need to do is Face Everything And Recover. I know what I need to face is not horrible, it is not that I've done anything horrible, but it is just like I cannot move around this issue, I feel paralyzed, I need to face what I CAN DO and not send blame in any other direction; I know I'm a good person; and the truly crazymaking thing is that I also know it'll be better for me when I do it ... and I truly believe that my HP knows I have the capability to handle this, what do they say, God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and somebody besides me said, I just wish God didn't respect my abilities so much. And so I am again, though this time before all of you, turning to my HP on this issue and from the depths of my heart I am turning my life and my will over to my HP.
Ditto, thanks for helping me come back to that issue that for me never ends ... maybe you've helped me find the timing I needed to find closure finally.
*raising hand to include self in relating to this post*
Wow..I just went thru this yesterday! Those feelings of emotional nostalgia...feelings of grief, saddness of the ending of a relationship. Looking at my A and seeing what I wanted to see in regards to our relationship but reminding myself see reality. Consciencely quieting myself down so that I can hear my HP in my life. Listening to my gut feelings that I have hushed for so many years.
If I can share something that I read from The Language of Letting Go that has helped me tremendously....
Afterburn...March 27
"How could I do it? How could I say it? Even though I meant it, I still feel ashamed, guilty and afraid."
This is common reaction to new, exciting recovery behaviors. Anything to do w/owning our power and taking care of ourselves can trigger feelings of shame, guilt and fear.
We do not have to allow these feelings to control us. They're a backlash. They're afterburn. Let them burn out.
When we start confronting and attacking feelings and messages, we will experience some sort of after-burn. The after-burn is what we allowed to control us all our life-shame and guilt.
Many of us grew up w/shame-based messages that is wasn't okay to take care of ourselves, be honest, be direct, and own our power w/people. Many of us grew up w/messages that it wasn't okay to be who we were and resolved problems in our relationships. Many of us grew up w/the message that what we want and need isn't okay.
Let it all burn off. We don't have to take after-burn so seriously. We don't have to let the after-burn convince us that we are wrong and don't have a right to take care of ourselves and set boundaries.
Do we really have the right to take care of ourselves? Do we really have the right to set boundaries? Do we really have the riht to be direct and say what we need to say?
You bet we do.
Today I will let any after-burn which sets in after I practice a new recovery behavior, burn off. I will not take it so seriously. God, help me to let go of my shame and needless fears about what will happen to me if I really start caring for and loving myself.
. It keeps me sane 
Please keep up with your program, it will help you thru this.