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The onslaught continues and I keep reminding myself that my attitude makes the difference in how I feel throughout this period, how well I learn from it and how I impact those around me. But boy-oh-boy does it just seem like are the stressors just piling up. Just as a sample my father and my ExAW's brother both lost their homes in the Carr fire a couple weeks ago. I have never heard my dad with raw fear in his voice before. I had nightmares for days and I'm not even nearby but just his description of what he went through and how he sounded got to me. Had my identity stolen and have barely had the time to deal with that fiasco. My little girl is making me so proud in that she is bravely going to her new school and trying to fit in but I also see the pain she is going through as a result of my decision to switch schools and it is like a knife in my heart. Getting close to selling our house, good, but got a last minute document to sign with the threat that if I don't sign it my Ex won't sign off on the sale of the house, not so good. Sent that off to the lawyer. My Ex has pretty much made it clear that she won't work with me on anything unless its getting her more of something. More time with the kids, more money, more disruptions etc. I have learned that I can count on not counting on her for much. I've been overwhelmed for so long that I often find myself wallowing on my self-pity sofa eating some sort of sweet treat of sadness. It's pretty pathetic.
The good things are I had a great week with my kids last week. They are such good kids and I love spending time with them. As I mentioned the girls are at their new school and so far it is going smoothly. My son even walked them to school one day. Got to spend a day with friends and our kids playing games with our families. I made it to a meeting tonight and my sponsor was there which was a nice surprise. No money stolen from my bank.
I keep saying the serenity prayer but I can tell my attitude is off. I don't know if it is just being overwhelmed, stressed, depressed or what. I'm really lonely and have started visiting some dating sites which has been a distraction although good for some funny stories. I keep finding all sort of distractions actually and haven't made the decision to quit it yet. Anything I can do to not deal with the pile I'm so often faced with.
(((Westman)) prayers and positive thoughts going out to you and you entire family. Life on life's terms is sometimes difficult to accept. You have been challenged with a great deal at the moment. I have been in such a place and the best i can suggest is to keep showing up, trust Hp and know this too will pass. Love that you can see and appreciate the beauty in your children and have maintained your sense of humor over the dating sites . Your program skills are impressive so that any one would be fortunate to connect with you.
Westman - I too am sending you prayers and tons of positive thoughts. I love to see your program in action - finding gratitude in the middle of challenges and some humor as well. I believe that when we embrace and live recovery, the best example of serenity/maturity/recovery is our actions and responses vs. our words. The desire to keep pushing forward looks great on you and always hold on to 'this too shall pass'.
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Back in 2005, we lost our homes, a few people, and our minds. Some jerk looted my momâs house and not only took what was left of my deceased fatherâs WWII memorabilia at the top of the closet on the second floor, but stole my motherâs identity. Iâll give the SOB credit, it was a lot of work getting over all the furniture that landed on the stairs and I hope to this day he fell several times doing it. Trying to do the ID theft on top of it all was miserable. But I learned two things: 1. Find the funny. 2. Credit freeze. Hugs.
The best I have on any given day is the best I have. It sounds like there is a tremendous amount of stuff on your plate and boy oh boy do I get that. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad's loss .. that is rough .. identity stolen is a pain in the hinney is putting it mildly. The other stuff it is life .. my kids went to the same school for years and they moved states .. yes .. it sucked in some ways it was a good life lesson in others .. the meaning being life goes on and yes .. you might lose some of the friends you gained the real ones are going to find ways to stick around. My BFF in the kids home state has made sure that my youngest gets to see his BFF every single year and I am beyond grateful for that. Acquisitions are given .. however at the same time guess what .. things even out. I'm still very close to a friend from K who I met in the Philippines and didn't see again until the 5th grade .. we have bounced in and out of each others lives and lived a couple lives to boot .. lol .. point is .. I got through it, she did too and military families do it all the time or families who are forced to travel for work. I don't mean to minimize what your kid is going through .. the real deal is sometimes you make adjustments so that things go easier. My kids got the reality check that guess what .. not everyone gets to stay at the same school their whole school career and they see now what an anomaly they are .. and life isn't fair. That's just a real world lesson even if it hurts my heart for them .. it is life.
I do want to caution you from making to many concessions with your X. I have a friend of mine who to get out of the marriage made HUGE concessions and wound up kicking herself later because she realized to late that while her X got his way .. it was her children who suffered badly and now there is a court order restraining order and 2 years of craptastic court she went through and didn't need to while I realize that no one has a crystal ball .. do be aware of what you are conceding and sometimes it is better to stand and take the fight even when tired as hell. Most of the time people take the concession because of fear or because they think it's best for the kids .. that is not always the case. Do what is best for YOU and don't allow your X to believe they run the show .. because they don't .. you have given grace, dignity and so on to them .. it is ok to take a stand and say enough.
Take a huge breath and realize this too shall pass .. maybe like a kidney stone however it really will pass. Right now for some reason people are really going through some stuff .. I'm trying to ride a few things out myself at the moment and hope that things settle out the best way they can. It's really hard to remember that in the moment. Most of the stuff like knat like in terms of it's irritating more than anything else and it's time consuming which wasting my time is a cardinal sin .. LOL. Including the God of my understanding wasting my time .. it really irritates me .. LOL .. not a rational thought however .. it is what it is .. lol.
Again .. big hugs .. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sometimes, Life just wants to kick us in the a$$! And it hurts so much to know this - I know and I have wallowed in that pity for quite awhile! I am slowly learning that the pity-party of one is so lonely and really does nothing to serve me IN THE NOW.
Prayers for your father, prayers for your family, and prayers for you too!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I hear you. Hang in there. Sometimes, the serenity prayer just doesn't work vis a vis the situation, or situations we are facing. Sometimes it takes more, it takes work, effort, try harder efforts, and not just reciting and clutching onto the words of a prayer. I am sure time is not an ally of yours, but I look to -- spiking up my meetings. I did it last night, LOL. The biggest thing for me...picking up the phone!!! I make calls. I speak to my sponsor, my three or four close, friends (all who are in program). They talk the talk, and they walk the walk -- which is what I need during these times. They speak to what I need to hear. They speak the same language, the language that gets me and keeps me healthy, along with my work! Every single day.
Keep going. Hang in there. All the best...and prayers and thoughts to you, done!
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Prayers coming your way. Thanks for hopping over to share what's going on and reason it out - even with yourself. It's always so helpful for me to see how others tackle the hiccups life throws their direction.
I like how your share ended with finding gratitude. Sometimes that's all I need to help turn things around, and remembering HP's got me.
Yup. So my lawyer told me not to sign the document so now my ex has said she will not sign off on the house sale. If this continues I will be stuck paying for rent and mortgage and support to her. Aka not possible. If I sign off we each get half of the proceeds of the house. I'm waiting to hear back from the lawyer.
This feels like last year when I was no longer doing what she wanted so she went all self-destructive.
I would discuss this with your attorney first .. however if there is nothing in the courts, there is nothing documented in terms of support .. my X was instructed not to pay. Now .. there is a flip side to this .. first off your kids .. second off know you will be required to pay although you could work out a settlement the way my X did .. his current wife is wearing MY portion of our 401k on her finger (you have no idea how that grates me) because he's an idiot.
I would totally put the burden on her. Meaning sign and I will pay .. don't sign no money.
Again discuss with your attorney .. you do have 45 - 60 days before anything will be done through the courts .. however hold that money so you can pay.
That's just my experience in the jungle court system and again .. discuss with your attorney before making a move .. this is in Texas as well as Illinois .. know how the system works in your state.
Sorry when it comes to crap like this .. oh hell no .. I'm going guerilla warfare and trust me I will dig in and I know where the tunnels are .. I don't play nice .. ask my attorney. LOL .. sad but true.
big hugs .. S :)
PS - no not program however I see BS I call BS and I do not play in BS.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am out of the woods- one day at a time- but I haven't forgotten those middle years...
Burning coal in Appalachia, and burning down the West Coast does not make sense to me... I am grateful I live in a country which is much like a rural state of the USA. Smaller, funky and manageable.
I avoided divorce, by a tiny whisker... I always said- neither provoke nor avoid a conflict... ... this applies directly, again, to the serenity prayer; which has become second nature. We do have to carry on regardless... but it is never easy...
hooking in to this tiny, sweet, safe corner of humanity- Alanon- is a real sanctuary. A breathing space.
Thanks for letting share it M8- if only for a few moments...
Thank you for your ESH. I feel so off track. I started letting her have it over text got into it a bit before I pulled back. I'm so sick of me and the kids suffering for her BS. And I know we suffer for mine too but I don't care right now. This woman doesn't give a rip about anyone. She lies and steals and then accuses me of lying and stealing. She manipulates and has the gall to say I'm pulling a fast one.
Anyway ivI' barely slept. I think I'll take a nap.
Hi Westman, I just went through all this stuff with my XAH - threatening, extortion and doing whatever he could to get under my skin and trying to slow everything down/get more for himself. In the end most of it was him puffing up and trying to seem threatening. I made some serious boundaries for myself so I wouldn't get pulled into negotiating with him, or listening to him and his crazy rational about things - it just got me so angry/shaking/frustrated. Whenever I would feel attacked I would just disengage, also never answering his calls/texts in the evening (usually after he had been drinking). I'm not sure if your wife is motivated to get her house proceeds, but if she is, hopefully if you just stay the course it will come together and this is just a big show. I honestly felt like my house sale/separation agreement was going to fall through until the very last second and I feel for you, it was SO stressful. It's only been 3 weeks since my house closed/my agreement was signed and I can see now how much stress I was carrying around, and I really hope it comes together for you too. I made some concessions to get things done, but nothing major, basically some monetary concessions but nothing to do with my daughter. You are getting through it, even though there are some crazy roadblocks along the way, freedom and a fresh start are actually very close!
I keep saying the serenity prayer but I can tell my attitude is off. I don't know if it is just being overwhelmed, stressed, depressed or what.
hey Westman, with all you have happening, its little wonder your "attitude is off" Mine would be too, and when the crap is overwhelming (same for here, like it goes in cycles..now I am in a down cycle) i get away by doing my work out and blasting my tunes...browsing the thrift shops....doing "Kindness" stuff...to a pet or a neighbor....doing anything that is positive...and sometimes I just lie down and take a NAP...like re-set my body/mind/emotions AS i work my program...
Like Betty says "life on life's terms" but it can suck!!!! reaching out to trusted folks helps as well, but I try not to burden my non=recovery travelors , i kinda keep it here and a few very close loved ones....
hang in there.......ID theft, I had that happen to me in 2009.....do you have a credit protection thing working with you???? did anyone get any mdse in yoru name??? I have the BofA privacy assist and I got some sub-species try to get stuff in my name...I immediately was informed of the "hit" on my credit, so I called the vendors and shut them down...Dell computers actually began getting his/her computers ready for them, and I shut that down...police subpoenaed their records to catch the bottom feeder and I hope they did...financial crimes aren't taken very serious if the victim didn't actually lose money which made me mad....I WORK for my stuff....anyway, if you don't have a credit monitoring system, nows the time to get one...my BankofAmerica sponsors the one I'm on also for FREE, I use CreditKarma which is decent, but the privacy assist only costs me $12 per month and they watch and let you know "El Fasto" if anyone is trying to buy stuff in your name....I periodically put 90 day fraud alerts on my credit profile in that ANYone wanting to get anything in my name, the vendor pulls up my Cr profile and sees "FRAUD ALERT" and they know to call me and verify that the person trying to buy something in my name is really me......just a few pointers for you....
anyway, you have so much on your plate, take care of you and maybe step up the meets and/or sponsor/step work??? when life's hammering me, I really cling to programme and i "tune it out" anyway I can...that is my way of detaching
Glad your kids are doing ok...Glad U R spending quality time with them...and yea, S prayer or prayer in general just does not "cut it" when the avalanche of negative/unwanted events comes....like Bo says, step up the meets, etc., reach out
and RE-read what Serenity says...She always is spot on and extremely good ESH....wife no sign??? wife no get...I agree.....Look out for you...She will try to get as much as she can and its up to you to stand firm.
A nap is good. Sometimes a nap is exactly what is needed. When I am feeling overwhelmed by it all, I remember HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, & Tired). Sometimes your serenity is being stolen by one of these things. Seems simple, but for some reason, I have a hard time remembering this acronym!
Sending you peaceful vibes this week!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
{{{{{Westman}}}}}. I would be absolutely overwhelmed in your shoes however you are doing what you need to do and I'm so glad you are reaching out to your MIP family. Here I find love and acceptance whether I am doing well or not! Just put one foot in front of the other, keep your head over your feet, ODAT, and we are all here for you, Lyne
I'm going to add a few things for you to focus on that I hope help you the way they helped me.
1. Radio SILENT. There is no need to communicate further unless it involves the kids.
a.) Not about the kids you don't need to talk about it. Unless it's I'm signing the paperwork .. there is zero to discuss if it's not involving the kids. Don't whine about the latest issue going on looking for sympathy.
2. Send is not your friend. Ask the question .. Does this help or hurt my case?
a.) If it hurts your case then don't do it. This includes texting things that you want to say however don't need to. I would text my sponsor with the vile things I wanted to say .. was justified in saying however they did not need to be put in print to my XAH. The same token all texts and emails are admissible in a court situation. My sponsor would laugh and respond back .. tough day with the soon to be X? My response .. YUP .. LOL .. please remind me I don't look good in prison orange and I'm far to interesting for a 48 hour story. I had people I trusted if I needed to verbally vomit .. that went to them not to my XAH.
3. I have a book recommendation about dealing with difficult people during the court process I will PM you later tonight, it really did the most good in dealing with the system and is written by a man who was a psychologist and then became an attorney. It's about dealing with people who have mental issues, addition, bi-polar and so on, I can't think of the name off the top of my head.
4. You have the power in this situation use it wisely. I reiterate no sign .. no pay .. however talk to your attorney .. even paying her part and making clear you will go back to court to lower the amount is ok to do as well. Don't be bullied and don't bully her. (you are standing your ground, you are not bullying).
a.) You are a case number not a person to your attorney and never forget that they are not your therapist. They are looking at their own bottom line .. long term you are a case and that's it.
5. Mean what you say .. say what you mean .. don't say it mean. (to the best of your ability)
6. Do not sign ANYTHING without reading it first regardless of if your attorney tells you it's exactly the same and look at the wording .. and/or are two totally different meanings in the world of contracts.
7. She's doesn't care about what is best for your kids this is all about her.
a.) My XAH still asks my oldest what I pay for regarding college, spending, food, and so on .. NOT HIS BUSINESS. How I spend child support is not up to him and if he wants to know he can call his attorney which his attorney will laugh at him. He is resentful over how little he pays to support the kids. I am taking HIS money and so obviously spending it on other men .. lol. If he only knew.
I spent a LOT of money to figure some of this out and some I knew innately, you are not dealing with a normal rational person and the best thing you can do for you and your kids is remain calm, detach and look at this from a very abject spot of it happening to someone else, close friend and what would you say to them. It is emotionally expensive and physically exhausting. The other thing is on a bad day I am the out of control insane person in dealing with my XAH. I DO have power over my responses to my XAH .. and I CAN be the rational person everyday even if I have moments of .. possibly prison orange looks good on me .. I remind myself he is the father of my children .. although I think it's a bad punchline to a joke.
It took me 3 years to get divorced and the only reason I am divorced today is because he wanted to get married .. I am soooo grateful for that fact .. lol. I also got a hell of a deal because he signed without reading the paperwork. Again refer back to READ EVERYTHING .. I caught my attorney in misspellings, wrong dates, and so on .. it was a mess. I would hope for 225$ an hour someone is proofing this stuff apparently not. Again these people are not your friends .. you have to advocate for yourself.
While I realize this all is very clinical .. it's because you are now negotiating business. And you have to look at it as a long term business transaction. I was on the stand one day and had to explain that to my X's attorney .. I'm sorry your client is not happy with the business deal he's dealing with.
Big hugs .. I am truly sorry you are dealing with this because it's not ok for another person to do this to someone else because they are sick, selfish, self centered and it's all about them .. I learned I needed a spine and I better back up whatever I say .. my XAH finally got the message .. still tries however backs his walk up pretty quick.
S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
WOW!!! Serenity, thank you for sharing this....what you went through and how you handled it was amazing....and I agree...we are our own and ONLY advocates...Lawyers just want their money......I'm glad you are hanging tough and not letting him mess you over.....thank you for sharing your wisdom here.....
Thanks Serenity. I've had a similar message from my attorney too. Thankfully earlier that day I had found a peaceful spot inside me so was feeling better about the whole thing. But hearing his instructions, especially not to talk to my ex, made that peace more solid.
I've tried not to be resentful but am constantly insulted and accused any chance my ex gets. With everything else going on lately I finally just lost it on Tuesday and let her have it over text. This has never been my style so I was reminded at how fruitless it is to "lay it out" for your alcoholic loved one. I was really upset and she's loving every minute of it.
So, feeling grateful for a good sponsor and a good lawyer. I have buckled down at work and went to meetings four days in a row. Studying steps one, two and three. Looking forward to seeing my kids today and taking them to a game night at friend's.
I love the fact that despite all you have going on you still acknowledge the good things as well and know when to take a nap! Take care of yourself, you are describing a great lesson in programme, even though I imagine it feels far from it!! (((((Hugs))))))
Oh speaking of taking a nap. I went to a meeting on Wednesday night that was myself and 5 older ladies. I think I slept through about 80% of it. I don't know what they thought about it but I felt pretty darn good coming out of that meeting.
(((Westman)))... prayers continue for me my world to yours. Sounds like you are doing all the right things... including naps!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
This post reminds me of a similar thing a sponsee and I collaborated on in the past. Yes it was also a dicey divorce and she wanted suggestions. He wanted it all and so I thought and asked her to consider making a list of what she would honestly turn over to him without resentful feelings and anger and she did. After the divorce was finished she said her ex came up to her and told her, "I can't believe it was so easy getting all that stuff from you without a fight". We had a laugh and happy dance. She did what it was that was suggested and also normal for who she was and he thought the outcome was great and he had put one over on her. Our program works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
Those women probably saw you as exhausted! You were in a safe place, listening to sage advice I am sure... your body's defenses said, "Time to lay 'em down boys!" And you did! I am a big believer in the subconscious... hypnosis and such. I know that our brains keep absorbing even when our conscious self is not awake.
Wonderful that you felt great leaving the meeting! Good for you for not taking on any guilt for getting a few Zzzzzzz's - our go-to response that does nothing for us!
Now to string a few of those nap/feel good sessions together!
Hang in there. You are doing the next right thing for sure!!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Good morning Westman, sending (((((hugs))))) and prayers.
I can not imagine a better compliment than someone being able to sleep in the presence of others - PnP is right, you found a safe place and it felt good - wow!
I would like to expand on what milkwood added above, b/c I feel co-dependents tend to hold onto a lot of guilt... about anything, really - not that I am calling you 'co-dependent', but many on MIP can identify with this "label."
I work with dogs (training, day-care etc), and knowing K-9 behavior, and pack behavior especially is important in what I do... it keeps fights and dominance issues from rearing its ugly head! That being said, the biggest compliment an animal can give you is to lie down and truly relax in your presence. It tells you, without saying a word, that they feel safe... that you are "alpha" in their eyes... that they know you will protect them from whatever. It is a huge deal since they live in the instinct-driven world.
As humans, our brains have developed to a point that instinct plays a much less significant role... but it is still there. It is that little voice in your "gut" that tells you you're in danger... or perhaps, that you are safe in this moment.
Peace to you Westman!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
