The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have spent the past few days dragging myself out of bed. I am so sleepy!!! It seems as if I can't get enough sleep. I am hungry...but cooking as we speak. I am angry and working on that. I am trying to work past the anger of his infidelity. My husband is helping me by answering my endless questions with patience. I am lonely and looking around at my friends. I have shut myself off ffrom everyone for a few days and had to look at why I was feeling lonely. My husband is still looking for work and is home every day. He said he is going to miss trucking but he knows if he gets back in a truck he will lose his life to drugs. He wants a job so he can be home everyday to work his program. He has been reading his literature and going to meetings. He has been fighting for three weeks to be clean and he has eight days!!! I am so proud of him. A man he used to work with told him today to quit worrying about the clean days he has behind him and center himself in today. My husband told me to get on line and post today. He's after me to so my reading. He reminded me that just because he is getting clean I still need to work my program for my sanity. He has been loving, apologetic and attentive. He has told me many of the things he has done because of the drugs. His inhibitions were lowered, he didn't care about anything, he stayed in a fog. He said that one of the reasons he slept with the woman was to use her to give him money for drugs. He also admitted he had thought about leaving me because he felt as if I were pushing him to get clean and he wasn't ready.
I am afraid of him getting clean. What if he doesn't need me any more? Will he still love me when he is not using? Will I like the person he is becoming? What's in store for him? For me? For us? What kind of job will he get? Will he relapse? When will he relapse? Some days it just seems as if it would be easier on me for us to go back to the way things were. At least then things were predictable and there was some comfort in that. His honestly is refreshing and scary. I didn't know half of the things he had done, women he had slept with, he had robbed people... I never knew he resented me and thought he hated me so much. He admitted he had asked me to choose between me and my kids because he was selfish. I kept telling him to think about the kids and he thought if I got rid of the kids he could continue using. He saw them as getting in the way of his using. The fact that he planned on leaving me hurt as much as the affair. Never mind that I thought of leaving him daily.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but today has been wonderful! I am thanking my HP for each day he gives me that I have my best friend back. I thank him for the pain, hurt and conflict I have been faced with because I feel stronger. I feel that my husband and I can use this to grow closer and stronger if we let it. We both realize we have to work on ourselves, but know that we have to work together on healing out marriage. My husband has suggested marriage counseling and I agree it would be a great idea. I will make the appointment in the morning.
I am glad things are looking up for you.Remember, one day at a time.Try not to project what 'might' happen and get into the what ifs.For today things are good.Today is all you have.And whatever comes you have your HP and Alanon friends,you will not face it alone.
It is good that you work Alanon while he works his program.I think I should have stayed with the program and things would have gone alot better for me.
It sounds like you are feeling better. Rest if you need it, you have been through so much. Take it slowly, "One Day ata Time." Don't worry about "What ifs," the future will be what it will.
You hang on to you recovery with all you have. Don't you give up now. He's right, you each work your own program. I will continue in Alanon even tho I do not live with my husband, I have a pattern of bad choices and that needs the 12 steps. My kids need me in a program, so I don't make the same mistake again.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
It's funny how much of what you said could've come out of my mouth a year ago. I'm proud of you....you are an inspiration to so many. Keep up the good work.
thank you for sharing your story powerless, i can relate to so much of it. my husband a is also recovering and we are in counciling. i don't know where it will all lead, i just try to focus on the present and leave the future to the future. sometimes that is very hard, but try the sayings, one day at a time, let go and let God, when you worry about the future try to focus on the sayings, to really live them. thanks again - best of luck to you - quest
Hello powerless , don't miss the good days . Fear will keep you from enjoying sobriety u cannot afford to let that happen. I understand the statement what if he dosent need me in sobriety ? felt the same way myself . But have discoverd that was a really sick way of thinking yuck - I hate even remembering those days . today I am in this marriage because i want to be not the sick needy person i was yrs ago and thank god neither is he.
Hang in there get to meetings f2f for yourself and take care of you , you prayed for sobriety for yrs , now u got it . Enjoy !!!!!
Things sound on the plus side for both of you :) You not getting out of bed may be due to total exhaustion. Just think what you have been through. It is exhausting, isn't it? I was so exhausted when I first started working my program too. It takes alot of energy. It sounds great that your spouse is supporting you in your program too. I agree with the above posts. Time to take care of you and do the things that make you happy. Rest when you need to and keep up the good work. If the "hard to get out of bed" doesn't stop, you may want to see a doctor. Depression can sneak up on all of us,,,the clinical kind I am talking about. Keep posting and reaching out for support. cdb xoxoxox (((((((powerless))))))))
I believe the thoughts and feelings you are having are so very valid. The unknown is scary, I firmly believe that HP will take care of those unknowns in due time for you and your husband. The fact that he has 8 days sobriety is a miracle in itself! HP has a chance to do some really good work in him when he's sober. Sounds like he's opened his heart to the possibilty of living a life free from bondage to drugs, adultery, and crime. In Courage to Change this morning was a topic on when they do get sober it doesn't mean everything is happily ever after. I can see that working my program during these times of sobriety is extremely important to stay focused and balanced. You will be able to manage his mood changes, and frustrations with more ease if you feel good about you. I think that will take some pressure off him as well when he sees you are o.k. and working your program to the best of your ability. This may help him to relax and not worry about you so much and focus on his program. I will continue to keep both of you in my prayers, you and your husband are at a fragile time in your lives and you are right, what a blessing it is to have the pain and the joy!! I pray you will be gentle with yourself and give yourself lots of TLC you deserve it and are worth it.
Big Hugs to you,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
What a difficult time for you. I used to read your posts before this and it was a whirlwind of activity. Sounds like you crashed in some ways which is understandable. I know I have crashed many many times. When I came here in December I had crashed completely.
I think its pretty difficult when someone gets sober like your husband has. It sounds like he is trying to work 1-12 overnight. I think you have to be careful when you go from lying to brutal honesty especially when it comes to disclosing infidelities. I think those require careful thought and talking about with your sponsor. All this disclosure may look good but it is not necessarily so. For me it sounds like the rebound from lying. There is somewhere in the middle where people reflect and reflect before they disclose and are careful how they disclose life is not just a roller coaster ride.
My exhusband went back to a woman who I know financially supported him on some levels years ago. I am not sure even now years afterwards I want to hear the gory details of that and I have actually gone out of my way not to know them because to do so would harm me. A sponsor can help your husband mediate what you need to know and what's best not said because it would just hurt you. Are you now your husband's sponsor. We have to be super careful what roles we take on in the A's life especially when they are in recovery because overwhelm is always there for those of us with no boundaries. I used to try to be everything to the A and hear out all his issues. I no longer do that. I let him make his own mistakes and am not all over what he is doing anymore. For me that is a good thing because my efforts to control him made me crazy and upset and took the focus off me.
Right now the focus is with me, not him, regardless of whether he just had a heart attack (he didn't) regardless of his health, regardless of his financial situation, regardless of his job situation (mine is not good either). I have to keep the focus very very firmly on me because the notion to get totally lost in what he is doing or did or could do is overwhelming.
