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I have dipped in and out of this forum, and read more posts than I've written myself, but am struggling to come to terms with past events that my AH has put me through. To give some background, I have 2 children (now 4 and 2) and from about the time of my first son's birth, my husband's stress levels started increasing and his drinking steadily got worse. It resulted in about 18 months of quite bad episodes, missing days and days off work, very aggressive behaviour and emotional abuse directed towards me. Thankfully I got him out of the house most of the time, but there were times where he was at home and behaving very aggressively towards me (I had to call the police once) and when he wasn't physically there, he would send me horrible horrible texts, bombard me with calls and leave me nasty voicemails. At one point, I got an occupation order so that he couldn't come to our family home to protect myself and my children, and our home as he had trashed many things at home when he was left there alone and started drinking.
He first went to a rehab centre in July last year (and spent a month there) but then relapsed again around Christmas time and after bouncing in and out over January/February, at the end of February, he hit his lowest point to date and was on the brink of losing everything. Thankfully his friends got him into a good addiction program with an excellent psychiatrist in charge of his care and he has been doing very well with his recovery since then. He has had one small relapse that I know about but otherwise has managed to abstain. He moved back in with us and I am giving him another chance and our marriage another chance. However, although he sometimes attends AA meetings, he hasn't been going regularly and hasn't completed the 12 steps. I think he sees himself as better now and doesn't seem to understand that there is a lot more to his recovery.
In the meantime, I have been working on my own recovery and am seeing a therapist weekly to try to come to terms with what has happened. I have accepted that he is unwell and that his behaviour was a result of this - I feel that he wasn't acting in his 'right' mind and that his actions over the last couple of years don't reflect his true character. I try to focus mainly on myself, regulating my own emotions, staying clam and looking after my children. Slowly we are trying to rebuild our relationship but I still find it very painful to think about the things he has done and to fully forgive him. I think it's harder because he was so drunk most of the time, he doesn't really remember or even understand how bad some of the episodes were and how badly it affected me. He can still be very defensive - seeing himself as a victim and not fully taking responsibility for his actions.
Does this sound familiar? How have others coped with this? Have you ever been able to overcome the hurt and pain that alcoholism causes? Do you think a marriage can work after experiencing such traumatic events?
Glad you're here, Anon. I do hope you can get yourself into some face-to-face meetings, as well. While this message board is wonderful, it still doesn't fill that niche that in-person contact can provide.
I found that forgiveness is more for my benefit than the benefit of the other person. Forgiveness gives me peace.
That said, I know and understand that the actions active alcoholics take can create some very real trauma. My exAH did a lot of things in our relationship that shattered my ability to trust him. He was unwilling to seek recovery. He did it briefly for maybe a couple of months, but then his disease convinced him AA was a cult and that if he wanted to get sober, he could do it on his own by reading some book by one of those people who advertise treatment centers that are "not a 12-step program". He was vehemently against AA. When he first started going to AA, I first started attending Al-Anon meetings. Thankfully, for me, I found the hope and support I desperately needed in those rooms and I stuck with the program.
A few things I learned from attending meetings, working with a sponsor, and reading the literature were that alcoholism is a progressive disease. That I was not responsible for the alcholic's behaviors or choices. That I could set boundaries and take actions that take care of me. That I can shift and change my attitude and become a positive person - no longer a victim. That I had choices I could make that could either help or hinder my personal serenity.
One of those decisions I learned I could make was to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop - or stop waiting for the A to finally get into recovery, or to finally apologize to me for his behavior, or own up to it. My sponsor encouraged me to see and accept the A exactly as he was, and then ask myself the question "can I accept and live with this person the rest of my life if nothing changes?"
I had to sit with that question for a couple of years. In the meantime I kept working on my recovery and applying the tools I've learned to my relationship whenever the occasion called for it. I failed many, many times - alcoholism is cunning, baffling, and powerful. But sometimes I was successful in sticking up for myself, voicing my truth, and practicing detachment.
I finally came to a personal decision that it was not healthy for either of us - my A or myself - to remain in our marriage. I'd finally had enough, so I requested a divorce. That was what was necessary for me, however, and it's not to be taken as advice that that's the answer for you. It wasn't a matter of my not being able to forgive him. I had forgiven him by accepting him as he was.
Beneath the disease, alcoholics are beautiful, loving, funny, wonderful people. Attend any open AA meeting and you'll see that reality. But active alcoholism is a real beast and it'll continue to destroy the alcoholic until he or she is willing to finally seek recovery for themselves.
If you have any Al-Anon literature, flip to the back index and find "Forgiveness" and read the listed pages. It may help you come to some better clarity on how forgiveness can be applied in your life.
Anon, welcome...I've always felt it is important for the beginner/newcomer to know that when you go to face to face alanon meetings, many of the people you meet have gone through exactly what you are going through. More importantly, they have dealt with and feel many of the same things you are dealing with and feeling. And, the most important thing...THEY GOT THROUGH IT. They have gone through it and come out the other side, and they are happy and healthy. Perhaps this offers you comfort in knowing you are not alone...or even more...that there is HOPE. Miracles happen inside the rooms of conference approved, face to face alanon meetings.
That said, for the beginner/newcomer, there are many things to learn and experience in alanon -- far too many to post here, however, the beginning, the fundamentals, the basics, the first three steps are the foundation of alanon. One thing that is important to understand -- his recovery is his recovery, and your recovery is your recovery. Him sometimes attending AA meetings, not going regularly, not working with a sponsor, etc. -- all of that is his choice. In alanon we learn ACCEPTANCE, and that in order to get healthy we can learn to LET GO...thus we give up trying to convince them, prove to them, fix them, and so on. That may sound very counterintuitive to what you've been thinking, feeling, doing, etc. -- I know it was for me -- but it does put us on a healthy track. It allows us to not be so immersed and enmeshed in and with the alcoholic. That too may sound contradictory to what you are feeling or what's been going on, but give it a chance. Have an open mind.
Understanding there is "a lot more" to his recovery is his job. It is his responsibility to learn that, on his own, and to figure it out. We say in alanon that we should "stay on our side of the street" and "keep our side of the street clean" -- and that too is for US. It helps us focus on us and our recovery.
The forgiveness aspect -- getting past the anger, resentment, of simple just forgiving; well, you have asked a very complex and rather "advanced" question. So, there is no pill, no exercise, and no secret hand-shake that does it. It took you a period of time to get to where you are -- and it will take you a period of time to get out of where you are. However, just know that it is UP TO YOU. Pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional...and that too is UP TO YOU. It is common for the "rebuilding our relationship" to take a back seat to sobriety/recovery. While he will not quit UNLESS and UNTIL he wants to, and there is nothing you can do about that -- if he should decide to do so, his sobriety, his recovery, may, and should, be the most important thing in his life at that time. Why? Because without it, he could die. So, back to the forgiveness. With acceptance, we learn to let go, and with letting go -- we can learn to forgive...not forget, but forgive. Hanging onto the anger, resentment, not being able to forgive, is a burden on us. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, and in other ways. Some people never are able to forgive. That's OK. There is no right and wrong. There are no musts. If you can -- you work the alanon program, learn, grow, make change and progress, and perhaps you can. Others do the same, but they just cannot. Both can find peace, happiness and serenity, and both can be healthy and happy. For me, it didn't matter whether my wife remembered or not. It was about ME remembering. It was about the impact on ME.
Early on, as a beginner, I found it hard to accept that my wife didn't remember -- and because she didn't -- she NEVER took ownership or responsibility of her actions, decisions, etc. She never apologized, made amends, or even acknowledged that these things happened, yet alone that she did them!!! This was what I carried around for a good few years. That was only part of it. I was not healthy. I was scared, lonely, afraid, isolated, I was unable to work and truly function day to day. I was unable to keep food down, and when I did, I had digestive problems. My wife's drinking tore my life apart. It tore our home-life, and our home, and our family, to shreds. I was unmanageable, my life was unmanageable, my business, my relationships, everything was spiraling out of control. I was dealing with the day to day drama, chaos, turmoil, and havoc -- the police, child protective services, my wife setting the kitchen on fire, car accidents, and more. And there I was trying to manage all this -- I was trying to fix it, fix her, control her and her drinking, trying to make things better, and so on. I yelled, I screamed, I threatened, I spoke to her, I begged, I pleaded, I gave speeches that would and did touch, move and inspire anyone and everyone...except her. I hit my rock bottom. I was done. I couldn't keep doing it, any of it, and I couldn't do anything more.
Then, I started from the beginning. I went to meetings. I did 90 in 90 -- which means 90 meetings in 90 days. I did 180 in 90, meaning 180 meetings in 90 days! I found a sponsor. I started doing the work, and working the program. My getting better, my recovery, my being happy -- whether I was able to forgive or not, whether I was going to be married or not, whatever it was -- my being healthy and happy was the most important thing in the world to me...no different than the alcoholic's getting better and getting healthy, and their sobriety, was to them. I was willing to scratch, claw, crawl, beg, and do whatever it took to get better, to get healthy. And, I did. So, I can absolutely, adamantly, and without any doubt say that miracles do happen inside the rooms of face to face, conference approved, alanon meetings...because it happened to me. I am one.
So, there's your beginning. Remember, pain is inevitable. It happens. Nothing you can do about that. However, suffering is optional. That is truly up to us. You do not have to suffer. You just need to learn how not to. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Anon - good to see you again! Forgiveness for me was very difficult simply because my distorted thinking suggested forgiving another was 'giving them a pass' for bad behavior. I learned in recovery that's not what it means at all - instead, as Aloha points out, it's all about freeing up our hearts from the pain of the past.
The best statement I've ever seen on forgiveness aligns perfectly with 'keep it simple' and it was a signature in a poster's shares here.
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Keep coming back - you are not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks very much for your replies - they have give me a lot to think about. I am still working through it all...
I had another difficult conversation with my AH tonight - we were reading how control in a relationship and how you canât control another person etc which is clearly a very relevant topic for me. I tried to explain to him how I struggle with it because I am learning to accept that I canât control him, his drinking and his recovery but I tried to make him see how that was difficult for me and how it can cause anxiety. He got really angry again and stormed off in a temper. He also said that basically he has stopped drinking because I asked him to and not for himself, which makes me even more anxious because I know it wonât work if he isnât doing it for himself...
My god this is a difficult thing to deal with...
... but I tried to make him see how that was difficult for me and how it can cause anxiety.
It was lovingly pointed out to me that "trying to make them see" was another form of control.
I had to be reminded again that I was powerless and my attempts to control were making my life unmanageable.
Did you ask your A to stop drinking?
That's control.
Maybe you didn't ask your A to stop drinking, but does your behavior say otherwise?
We are powerless over alcohol and trying to control it makes life unmanageable.
The above points didn't really sink in with me until I started attending face-to-face meetings frequently and regularly and got myself a sponsor and started working the steps.
I know this is so painful and confusing. But one of the promises I got out of Al-Anon was that when I stopped trying to control, things got better. How did I relinquish control? I gave my fears and worries over to the care of my Higher Power, but only after I came to believe that my HP could restore me to sanity. But in order to get THERE, I had to acknowledge how unmanageable my life had become and recognize that the reason it was like that was because I kept trying to control.
I relate a lot to your experience. My ex got sober for me. No recovery and I became very anxious thankful and submissive. I felt I owed him and was living on my nerves remembering how awful it all was. However what I didn't know was that the drinking is only one part of the disease of alcoholism and that a whole family becomes sick. It's such a powerful disease and the sickness is in our thoughts and perceptions. Alanon was where I found the real experts who knew exactly this path and had serenity acceptance and peace.
I left my husband because the disease brought major consequences for my family when my children got puberty and I left. I got into alanon 2yrs later because I needed recovery for me and my kids. He got into AA the yr after but we never got back together. He wanted too but I will never take the risk ever again. My whole family have been slowly healing and I pass on my program of recovery through my attitude and behaviour as best I can.
One thing that many people experience with regards to a trauma, is the byproduct syndrome -- what comes from the trauma. Pain, fear, anger, hate, depression, and so many more things. One day you meet someone, through a friend, whatever, and they are this "angry" person, nasty, etc. What made them that way? They are angry, nasty, and maybe bitter? Scorned? Hurt? Traumatized? And it could be many more as well. For me, it was everything my wife had "put me through" -- and no, I am not saying she actually did it to me. I was traumatized. Without question. I was the recipient -- perhaps at a time, the victim -- of domestic violence, verbal and mental abuse and cruelty, infidelity, and more.
After all was said and done -- my wife never stuck with AA meetings. She went sometimes. She never got a sponsor, met with, worked with, etc. She never worked the program, did the steps, etc. Not only was this my observation, but this was what she told me as well. She never found recovery -- and didn't need it in her mind. She never lived a life of recovery, and she didn't need to. Why? Because my wife felt she was better.
Now, that's OK. That was her decision to make. I made that clear to her as well. I knew it, and she knew it. My wife wanted to drink. She didn't want to be an alcoholic. She didn't want to get incoherent drunk, passed out drunk, falling down drunk, or anything of the like. She just wanted to drink. Now, while she didn't want to be an alcoholic...it wasn't her choice. Get it? No different than being allergic to peanuts -- and thinking it's OK to have just one, or two, or something with a small amount of peanuts in it. You can think it's OK. You don't want to be allergic to peanuts...but it's not your choice. Have one peanut...and watch what happens. Not your choice. Not up to you.
All the time this was going on -- I worked on me. I had acceptance. I worked my program, went through the 12 steps, went to meetings, worked with my sponsor, had many years in the program. I got it. I was at a place of peace, acceptance, detachment, compassion, etc. I had it all! But, she was still drinking and not in recovery. So the "environment" didn't really change. I had to change. I had to leave the house, build a life for myself outside of her, have things to do, etc. All good stuff. Great stuff. But I had a wife. I had a marriage. And I was still feeling things -- pain, anger, resentment, etc. -- for what my world was like now. Get it?
Carrying around anger, resentment, etc. -- is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die. Harboring, living with, anger and resentment is toxic...TO ME!
Forgiving her is one thing. But that is INDEPENDENT from the anger and resentment. I can let go and get past the anger and resentment. But it doesn't mean I have to automatically forgive my wife. I can have compassion, but I don't have to forgive.
There is also a difference between FORGIVE...and FORGET.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 17th of August 2018 11:59:30 AM
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
By the way, one thing I experienced that I struggled with -- as much as I know alcoholism is a disease, and I had acceptance, and I knew "she didn't do it to me" so to speak...there is still a fact that existed...I was hurt! I was collateral damage to her, her behavior, her drinking, her disease. As much as she didn't do it to me, and I could accept that -- I was still impacted. Thus, forgiveness can still be very much part of the equation. In my experience, if I am feeling as though forgiveness and not accepting unacceptable behavior, is one in the same. That's my problem. If forgiveness and some sort of letting them off the hook for their actions, wrongdoings, or whatever you want to call it -- well, that is when I have to look at me. Everyone can chalk that up to trauma, stinking thinking, how the disease impacted me, and so on. However, the solution is ME. My thinking. If I am not forgiving because I think it means something else -- my problem. Not theirs. Forgiveness is something I have to have and that I have to give. How about starting with forgiving myself!
When someone is forgiving, in my experience, they are first able to get past the pain, anger, resentment, blame, etc., everything they've had and carried around. That's step one...acceptance, surrender, letting go...and I always applied step one to whatever I was feeling that was hurting me...and not forgiving, eventually hurt me...carrying around that anger and resentment.
That being said, if one forgives, and the unacceptable behavior continues...that doesn't simply mean keep forgiving. How many "one last chances" or "one more changes" does one give? For me, it was 6 months. But I gave 6 months...six times! How's that working for you (my sponsor used to say). Who is that on? Me!!!
I've seen many people trivialize forgiveness...and collapse forgiveness with the unacceptable behavior...my sponsor used to say, if you are tired of being a doormat, then get up off the floor! There is a difference between being a victim and being a volunteer.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I am so grateful to read of the ways you are taking care of yourself... that is perhaps the greatest service anyone can offer me, thank you for posting.
For me, forgiveness was not "a decision" of mine. I found I was not equipped with "a forgiveness button" that I could switch on and make happen.
It unfolded.
Over time.
With daily determined practice of the steps in proper order. I never believed it could work for ME. but it did.
not merely reading on the steps or intellectualizing them, that didn't work. Twelve steps are something to live and experience, that is how "a change" occurs. When I followed that advice, forgiveness happened on its own, its not something I had to force or strive for anymore. I find that my "struggling" is just me trying to control and force solutions again.
My suggestion is to remember our slogan "One day at a time" or, one step at a time. I ask myself every day, what step am I leaning on for guidance? mostly today, I live the eleventh step and life is much more peaceful, quiet and still.
In the beginning, I never imagined that I would fall into prayer and visualizations of bright blessings raining upon my alcoholics smiling face whenever a thought of him comes into my mind. But that is what it's like today. and if that can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.
-- Edited by 2HP on Sunday 19th of August 2018 11:16:18 AM
Sometimes I have wondered whether being on edge, waiting for the next thing to go wrong becomes a habit - we are so used to firefighting! I decided to break that habit by trying to stay aware of what and how things are right now and in this moment. When I feel anxious without obvious reason I speak to my anxious brain and tell it that all is fine. Sounds mad really, but I find it helps me!
I have also chosen to take alcohol out of the equation with my recovering(ish) husband. Now, if I'm going to judge, I will only judge my own well-being. I don't make any excuses about the fact he is or isn't drinking anymore. If he is being rude, which he is currently inclined to be since he isn't working a programme, then that is his choice. It is up to me if I choose to stay in the room with a rude bad tempered person. Normally I find there are better things to do with my day!
For months, if not years, I would read in Al Anon about "keeping the focus on me" and I scratched my head about what that meant for ages! Finally, for me, that came to mean that the only problems (and opportunities) that I need to deal with were those of my own making. The good news is that leaving other people's messes and problems for them to sort out has given me enough free time to do some wonderful, and by the way very healing, things over the past few years.
Getting over the trauma means that I invest my time and energy in positive creative things and spend my time with calm happy people in places that enrich my life. If my husband wants to join me and share in that positive spirit he is very very welcome. If he wants to bring misery then I would prefer that he go elsewhere. (I have an imaginary misery shield for those unforeseen misery bolts that come out of the blue!!!) .
Forgiveness is helpful, but I found that first I had to like myself and my life. Enjoying myself has made forgiveness a lot easier.
John I am a double and active in both programs which require attendance, participation, sponsorship, a higher power and more. I've been around for a while and cannot hear the "positive" feedback in your response to Milkwood. Can you point it out?. (((hugs)))
Well that's interesting because I never even saw 'John's' response! I'm sorry if this thread was diverted from it's topic in anyway and would like to thank Betty and Jerry for your service. ((((Hugs))))
