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I'm very new to this. I have no background with alcoholism or addiction. I'm taking a crash course with my husband.
I have 2 children, 11 and 7. While he told our 11 year old daughter I feel like both kids need to know more. He isn't taking responsibility like he said he would and he has been very angry and impatient with them. I feel like I need to talk to both children without him, but don't know how to approach it. I also don't know how to tell him or if I should. I know he won't be on board with me talking to the kids without him and I doubt he will be willing to participate. He is still very ashamed and in the beginning stages of detox.
Maybe it is better to wait until the kids ask questions, rather than sitting them down for a talk. When answering their questions, the same simple principles we learn in Al-Anon apply. Alcoholism is an illness, people with this disease sometimes behave strangely, it takes a lot of work by the person who has the disease to recover from it, and most importantly it is not their fault. Not the kids' fault, not their mom's fault, and actually not the alcoholic's fault (as my sponsor keeps reminding me). But they can find happiness whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
Growing up not with alcoholism but with mental health problems in the family - my parents never mentioned anything being wrong. While clearly something was very wrong with my father. But since they never mentioned it, I gathered that the rule was "silence at all costs." So I never mentioned anything either. For me, it would have been a great relief to be told what was going on, what to expect, and that I would be cared for no matter what happened. Even if it was just "Daddy has a condition called X, it causes Y and Z. We can't affect it. He is getting help for it but it will not be solved instantly or even this year. No matter what happens we love you and will take care of you. You are always free to ask any questions and to say how you feel."
Alcoholics like to control the message about alcoholism. The fact that your husband would be mad at you talking to the children separately, or not giving the "approved" message, suggests that his recovery is not very far along - as one would expect. Still, the people in your life who deserve the most care and protection are your children, not your husband. He is an adult and does not need coddling to protect him from the consequences of his decisions. Such as that his children might benefit from talking about the situation, without him there to try to control the narrative or tell them that everything's hunky-dory or that they are wrong to feel bad. People often try to control their surroundings by getting mad. I hope he is not prone to violence. Assuming not, you may wish to consider going to a bunch of Al-Anon meetings and finding your feet, and using the tools Al-Anon provides to figure out what you want to say to your kids. Hugs.
Thank you for your suggestions and input. I did talk with them and they seemed less anxious after that. I didn't think to tell them to ask me questions when they come up. That is very helpful.
I'm so glad the children are feeling less anxious after getting some information. From my experience, their being able to communicate with you about hard things will have life-long benefits,
As a former Behavioral Health Therapist and Alateen group sponsor and also former child in the disease of addiction I suggest also learning about detachment so that you don't force a "me" issue at them and are able to get across the medical disease description including the possibility of inheriting it themselves. 7 yoa is young and takes special consideration of how and what they think and are concerned. If your elder child is more concerned look at what is available in Al-Anon literature that is written especially for that age group such as "What's drunk Mommy?". You still will have to keep in mind and consider what your alcoholic is being affected with all of this. "Fixing" is the subject matter and something we are very poor at. Keep coming back. (((hugs)))
