The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I couldn't decide whether to post or not. This is not postivie or full of ESH but it is taking care of me. I just arrived home from spending the past week or so with my parents again helping out. I helped hang pictures in their basement to get that finished, went to doctor appointments with my mom who has dementia (calling it that now instead of alzheimers), cooked, helped entertain some of their friends and just enjoyed being with them :) I am so tired now but did pace myself there. I am thankful that when I left this time they were feeling as well as they can. I also get to see them in less than two weeks :)
April has been a hard month for me since I had my mastectomy about 10 years ago. I was told on Good Friday I had breast cancer. The surgeon who I had my needle biopsy called me at home late that day and told me he had an appointment with a cancer doctor first thing Monday. What a shock! I ended up having my surgery april 15th and was told the margins were clear. To make a long story short, I saved up money to travel to the Mayo Clinic since I had this feeling the cancer doctor was avoiding me. I found out that I did have a pre-cancer that many women have that never turns into breast cancer and the mastectomy was a mistake! Well, through the next 3 or 4 years I finally was able to accept that this happened to me and to live with one breast. It could have been worse. At least I was cancer free or have been since then.
When I was young, I was molested and it was about this same time of the year. It was a babysitter's family and my parents still don't know of this today. I now realize that if my dad knew he probably would have killed the man that I had nightmares about for most of my early adult life. There were other family members involved too :( I have had extensive counseling for that and have been able to overcome the nightmares etc. Luckily we only lived in that town for a year.
When my 2 kids were young I tried so hard to protect them. In fact, I started having flashbacks about the time they were the age I was when I was molested. I was the best mom I could be and tried to be at home as much as I could when they were young. That is why I took lesser teaching positions at times where I could take them to school and pick them up. I was involved in their activities in any area I could help in and was a very loving supportive involved parent.
Unfortunately my daughter became an alcoholic :( She is currently clean and sober as of today but struggling. She also suffers from depression. She had her miscarriage a month ago today and chose not to go back on her antidepressants. She told me last night she feels like she is going crazy. I suggested she call her doctors and I am certain she will. The stinker didn't show up for work last week when I was gone until noon one day and she didn't call and she was fired ,,,,,sigh. She finally had a good paying job. I have learned not to try and figure her out. When I found this out from her at my paren'ts house, when I hung up I cried. When I cry it is hard on my mom and can worsen her dementia symptoms. So, I stopped and held it in until today. That is why I decided to post now.
I need to get going on our income taxes and make that post mark on April 15th the day I had my mastectomy. I need to not enable my daughter and give her money when she was fired from her job for her own irresponsibility. She is currently working construction making money somewhere else though.
I guess I need to do alot of connecting with my Higher Power and alot of meditation. For now, I am off to see the puppy that was run over by the car that my daughter has. He will make me feel happy, loved and at ease. Then it is back home to work on my income taxes.
This is a stressful time of year for me indeed. I believe that knowledge is power and once we know we understand. I understand that people have hard times in thier life like me. I know that I can take care of me now to get through this hard time and I know that by venting here, it has helped me right now. your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxox
Something I am doing now is, stopping the bad memory self talk, and putting in something funny or warm from that person or event.
If I start the seeing moms and daughters shopping, laughing. Instead of feeling lonely, I smile and think about a time that my mother and I laughed together, how fortunate I am to have those memories.
Feel a real need to move on. Same with my A. I start to think about bad stuff, then I think it is over, my husband is gone. I am very ok here with my solitude and my loved friends and family.
Family is a hard one since so many are dead and dying. But again, I put in my neat son and new wife, and two new grandkids. My cousin, uno. I think about those I do have. I am tired of crying and moaning and grieving the losses.
I am so glad you come here and let it all out. It sure helps me too. Keep doing that and some day you will be ready to let go of the pain. I got so sick of it, I said no more. My father is still dying. But i choose to move on. I think about how when I was about 13 I had green beans on a fork pretending to launch them... omg I did launch them accidently... right to my dads forehead..lolololol.
Well daddy proceeded to dump my glass of mild on my head.. lol lollol My mother freaked. she could not believe it. We were all cracking up. This was not like my dad to be so funny.
Anyway my sweet, valued friend you are doing so well. I mean look at it cdb. Your post was about YOU. I am so proud of the progress you have made.
What great tips Debilyn :) My daughter was just here and I let her have her dignity and made sure I treated her as an adult. She is getting her medication refilled and left for a job contact just now. whew She brought her dog burton and I am still enjoying having him here :) I am working on taxes now and just relaxing. Prayers are always valued to me. Ty Dolphin for the prayers. your friend in recovery, cdb xoxoxoxoxo
Have you tried dettaching the month, rather than tieing it all together? I get the feeling you are dumping on yourself and not taking care of yourself, because of the month. No matter the month you put yourself first and the individual day first. They are still one day at a time no matter the month.
Can you get a doll that looks like your daughter and kick it's butt?? LOL Might be fun, when you get discouraged with her. You are absolutely right, trying to stay out of her life as best a mother can. Glad she chose to take her meds, she certainly is entitled to them right now and is in no way a sign of weakness. She doesn't have to do it all alone.
Take care of you!!!
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
It is so good to see you again. I have missed you in chat and have been wondering if you were okay. You have always been such an inspiration to me with your kind and loving ways. I had no idea you have had so much suffering in your life. We all have stories and they are all so painful. But, just being able to share our stories with others is such a blessing........especially those like the dear friends here, that care so deeply. I am so happy you were able to put your feelings into words and get it out. I know how it is to have lost loved ones and be molested and all of the emotions that go along with it. And the anniversary dates of those painful things do seem to make them come rushing back at us. One thing I have found to have helped me is to look forward to those anniversary dates in two ways.......one being happy that those things happened in the past and I can leave them there and two using those dates to pray for the people involved and being thankful that I had the time I did with my loved ones as well as forgiving those that have hurt me. Praying for the doctor that made the mistake he did with you might even help. It just gives me a sense of peace to pray for those that have hurt me and hope that they don't hurt anyone else.
My son is still doing so well in his recovery and I pray your daughter will move forward and do the same. Let's pray together for our children Cdb. There is nothing any more wonderful we can give them and ourselves than to be a praying Mother.
I'm thinking about you and taking one day at a time along with you.
I guess I am "just doing it" and taking care of me was posting and venting today. My daughter invited me over to her new rented house tonight and it was a nice visit. I listened mostly and she talked. I do see where she has done alot of growing. We visited like friends instead of a mom and daughter. She fits more into the alanon category now but I haven't said a word about that. I can see where she is really trying to be an adult and be her own person. If it is true that an alcoholic stops growing when they start drinking then she is still very young. I was able to live in the moment and enjoy the visit. I see where I am a totally different person than a year ago and so is she. When going through this past years medical bills, I noticed that a year ago in February and March she was at her inpatient treatment program. Time really does fly. After our visit, I gave her a ride to her AA meeting. The puppy was happily sleeping in his new yard which he just loves and her boyfriend was at work. I can honestly say I felt serenity in my soul. I think my daughter was feeling serenity too :) One day at a time is sure a huge key in this program. Thanks again for all your support. It has been one heck of a year! cdb xoxoxoxo
Anniversary times can be tough. Sometimes it takes more than just me doing my program to work through as many issues as you have shared with us. I'm glad you are reaching out ... that is so positive, as is your straighforwardness about your April issues and other challenges.
Sometimes I can only do the best I can do that day ... which on some days means I don't get as much substantive work done on my To Do List as I think I "should" or that others think I "should."
Long ago my sponsor suggested that I set up an area in my place where I could nurture the child in me that never was nurtured sufficiently as a kid. Lots of ways it could be done; little things that are meaningful for me, that would have nurtured me if someone else had done them. Cause at this point it is up to me to do it. And then when there's some task I needed to do (e.g., taxes -- mine aren't done yet either) I could get my child within all set up so that me the adult can take care of business. Sometimes this works for me, sometimes not, but I thought it was a wonderful idea.
Take what is helpful to you and leave the rest. Take care and keep coming back. You are quite marvelous, you know.
