The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am finding myself in a difficult situation and for the first time I am really allowing myself to figure out and speak my own feelings without worry about how he will handle the information. Here is a little backstory (sorry if it is so long). My husband has been abusing alcohol since my twins were born (maybe longer, its hard to remember). They are 5 now. There were some very difficult years involving him wetting the bed, stealing, tons of manipulation and little help with the kids. In about February I decided enough was enough. I started seeing a therapist and I decided to talk to him. I have always hated confrontation and I avoid it at the expense of my self. I always try to make others happy before myself, including my husband who obviously didn't do the same for me. I started reading alanon information at that point and decided that one thing I was going to stop doing was getting in disagreements after he had been drinking.
Well on St. Patrick's Day I came home and he was mad (and had been drinking all day). He wanted to talk (argue and yell) and I simply said I do not want to tall and told him we can talk in the morning. He become more and more mad and eventually ripped my blankets off and got me cornered in my bedroom shaking in fear. He continued to scream at me and then took my car keys. I had my phone and was able to text my friend for help, but them he wrestled my phone from me as well. He threatened to throw me out of the house (physically) and at that point I knew my kids were awake and I couldn't imagine what would happen if he actually did so I grabbed my kids and at least had them with me. He continued to scream at me (swearing like crazy) as my kids and I were huddled in the corner. I finally was able to get the kids into my sons bedroom but he pushed the door open and them pushed me into a dresser in front of my kids. My friend ended up calling the police and they came. I made him stay out of the house for a week but eventually let him come home when he promised to attend AA meetings, go to therapy and no drinking.
For a couple months I trusted him and could see physical changes so I didn't think anything different, but then a month ago I found beer in his trunk and my heart was shattered again. He thinks I should be over the situation, but I am not and I just don't. We have been trying to communicate lately and he continues to say I should be getting help and getting over it and now we are back at square one. He says he got help and now he is fine (yet continuing to hide alcohol). I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I feel defeated and sad.
Every time I try to tell him how I feel and that what happened is not something that goes away in a day he blows up and turns it around on me. I am not seeing the right therapist, I am not doing what I need to do. I am telling myself that I am doing what I need to do, but it is so defeating to hear that all the time.
Welcome Michelle I am so sorry that you were forced to endure such a frightening experience and am pleased that you reached out for help . Alcoholism is a dreadful disease that not only hurts the person who drinks but the entire family Alanon is a program established for family members that offers support and new tools to live by. The program saved my sanity and life Face to face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to please search out these and attend.
I don't have a lot to say regarding this, b/c I left my spouse. I just could not live with the emotional abuse, and the constant worry that catastrophe was right around the corner - you've had to deal with more violence. My child is a teen as well, not a little one - so I understand your position. I also left b/c this was my husband's "second strike" so to speak...I did initially take him back after the first try at rehab, 8 years ago.
But I will say something I know from experience...Program looks and sounds healthy. If he is truly working a program to stay off alcohol (which you know he's not), he will treat you with respect, understand your point of view, and accept his part - because they change from within their souls... not just what we see from the outside. He's not doing any of that. IT IS NOT YOU.
Addiction (but perhaps especially alcoholism) is a progressive disease. It can be put into remission, but it never goes away. The affected must work diligently all their life on staying sober. Eventually, you may reach your "bottom," and will be done with living with his disease... or you may be able to really work your Al-Anon program and learn to live within the disease... it's entirely your choice. Information on the disease is key! Keep reading, keep posting, find a face to face meeting and go. Notice I said "information on the disease" NOT the diseased... that's b/c you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why he is doing what he is doing - BTDT! Read ALL the stickies. I did, and it was informational GOLD!
My one regret in my situation is that I thought going back to the marriage was best for my son (he was 10 at the time) ... it wasn't. It rarely is from what I have read. I wish I knew then what I know now.
I am sure the veterans will be along soon to say their piece. They are very wise about this disease AND the Al-Anon program!
Wishing you some peace today!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Welcome Michelle-Your background sounds so scary and even life-threatening. I have learned not to trust my A and I'm not sure that part will ever be fully repaired. With all the lying, sneaking around, drinking, and being told I was "crazy" to my face, our marriage was practically destroyed. But I decided Alanon might be able to help me and have been active in my own recovery now for over 5 years. I learned that I could not force my A to do anything. But with face to face meetings, a sponsor, the board, and friends in recovery, I have a much better and healthier situation for myself. I am the only one I can change, and so I continue to do so. My grown son and his family do not speak or interact with my A, who is sober, but not healing. I can't say I blame them. In fact, I've come to understand them. I remain very close with my son and granddaughter . I can only encourage you to give Alanon a try. It's been a life saver, for me. Lyne
I don't care what they say. When they are addicted, they will say anything that makes their day to day life easier so they can concentrate on getting their substance to abuse.
I have learned to trust my experience and instincts.
I am so sorry that you are affected by alcoholism this way. I have a zero tolerance for any abuse, and esp. in front of the children. I 100% agree that actions speak louder than words. I had to learn in Al-Anon that nobody has the right to tell me how to feel, think, act, react, respond or heal. There is only one person responsible for all that - myself - and embracing recovery gave me a spiritual path to live my life, find my joy and protect my peace of mind always.
I have actually told my guy(s) that my feelings are mine and real no matter what they believe or think. I have boundaries in place and honor myself by enforcing them. It is this program that gave me the courage to change me and what I can/will accept and live with vs. not.
To thine own self be true popped into my head as I read your share. There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I went through the same thing, without any children. The abuse was horrible. I went to a woman's abuse program to get the strength to leave him and I also went to therapy and Al-anon as well. I did what I could for me to leave the alcoholic. Today, I am alone and happy, no more abuse. I focus on me and me only.
