The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
(Please forgive me, this was entered on the wrong page previously)
Many years ago growing up, I remember parents telling their kids "just wait until you have kids, then you'll understand!" I even think my Mom said that same thing to me a couple of times. When my kids were young it seemed deceptively easy to be a parent. Keep them safe, fed, loved and educated and the world was a good place. Play with them, laugh and let them know how much you love them everyday. The problem was that I was like a paper bag or box that was so stacked full of things and everything looked great, until the bottom fell out without a warning. My mistakes gradually snowballed into a disaster that I'd always thought I could "fix." Someday, I'd fix everything and we'd all be reunited and happy again. I knew I was messed up inside and needed help but poverty and isolation kept me scrambling to survive. Years later, my kids have moved on in their life without me. My youngest son grew up without much of a relationship with his older siblings and going on two years after a mental health crisis he still is struggling. Now I'm temporarily bedridden from an accident and have lots of time to think about my situation but no funds to take any action other than in my thoughts.
Up until those two years ago, I had hoped that perhaps the rough childhood that my youngest son had endured had maybe benefited him in perhaps giving him an extra resiliency. I thought that since we'd survived through so many hard times together that he'd see that he could do anything he set his mind to. Instead, he went from the nursing program at our local college and a potential scholarship to the state university to getting arrested, beaten and letting his life devolve into playing games and not much else. I don't know how to reach him. it's too long of a story but his father had offered to help him attend university (in his country). My son said he wanted to go and I thought a change of scenery would be a positive experience for him, that he would feel inspired and empowered to continue his education and growth. Several months later, nothing has happened. Now I'm out of work and have to apply for disability. I have no transportation at the time and can't drive anyway. Today, my son came into my room and asked me for money so he could buy soda. When I told him that I didn't have money for both soda and pet food, he took my gallon of water and left. It was so ridiculous that I thought he was joking, but I guess not. Both of my legs are out of commission right now and will be for several long weeks.
I know I'm responsible for the mess I'm in and not sure how to turn it around.
This is a very rough draft and of course it's missing a lot of context.
Bless this mess!
-- Edited by Paloma Negra on Saturday 21st of July 2018 11:01:16 PM
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"People suffer because they are caught in their views. As soon as we release those views, we are free and we don't suffer anymore." ~
Thich Nhat Hanh
Aloha Paloma so glad you found us and so glad you shared. I just came into my house after spending a bit of time with a grandson who I am sure feels like life has taken a dump on him and I would have liked to have him read your post...your ESH for perspective not that all of us have more than enough opportunities to lift our trials up to HP and bring our hands down empty assured that the Higher Power has taken a part in our life. Of course the lessons are hard and they are harder still without acceptance, empathy, grace and all the other tools and skills we learn in recovery.
I send you love and compassion and prayers...My Higher Power listens. ((((Hugs))))
(((Paloma))) - so very sorry for the current place you feel you're in and find yourself in. There have been low, low, low spots in my journey where I really questioned how on earth I was going to get through this to the other side. It is a difficult place to be in and at the time, it feels as if it's as it's always going to be. Yet, I sit now on the other side, not entirely sure how I got here and do know that a power greater than I does exist, does work miracles and must have been the driving force for my survival.
I am reminded by your post that this too shall pass has applied over and over again in my life/journey. Our family is deeply affected by the disease of alcoholism and addiction and I am working currently to accept that I am powerless over a loving close relationship with my children. A part of me has continued to hope and possibly even project that as they embrace sobriety, we'll all connect and grow together. Yet, my eyes have finally opened and I must accept that may never happen, and while hope is alive and well, at the end of the day, I really must pray that they are happy, joyous and free - with or without me in their lives.
I know that how my journey is has absolutely no alignment with how I thought it was going to be looking forward so many years ago. In some ways, it's way better than I ever imagined. In other ways, the insanity is almost too much to accept/watch. Yet, all I know to do is what we're asked to do in recovery - Keep showing up, doing the next right thing and have my feet facing forward.
Take good care of you - I too am sending tons of hugs, prayers and positive thoughts.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
"Bless this mess." Wow, I can really relate to that as I'm sure so many of us can. I'm sorry you're not feeling well right now. I know when I have time to think too much I too think too much and my mind can take me to bad neighborhoods from my past. It's so much harder to stay present to stay in today. When that happens I just have to tell myself STOP. There really is no positive thing that can come from beating myself up about actions I took, decisions I made, words I said etc that are all part of my past now. It steals away from my present life.
The hopes you have for your son are positive ones. He will do what he's going to do. We're powerless over our loved ones. I'm sorry he took your water jug. It wasn't his to take. You had a right to say no to giving him money. Your pet needs food to live. And ya know what? You have a right to say no to giving him your money even if their was no pet to feed.
From what you've written here, it's easy to see you are a mom with a heart filled with love for her son and want to best for him. It also sounds like his dad loves him and has tried to give him a chance at a great opportunity for his future. Your son may not be ready to accept such gifts from his parents at this time. He may not yet understand the love and generosity and that they are not just automatic from parents. You're not responsible for his behavior, his unhappiness, his life as it is today, Paloma. Maybe he's just in the process of finding himself, is confused and has something to work out within himself that can only be worked out between himself and a higher power.
I hope today, you will give yourself as much love as you've shown you have for your son. I hope you feel a little better each day as you rest in the unconditional love of your higher power. Thanks for sharing here. Keep coming back. ((hugs)) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
