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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> In hindsight
Post Info TOPIC: In hindsight
JerryF


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In hindsight
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The enabler, codependent in me is rattled.  I don't like where it has found itself as a consequence of thinking I would be nice while not giving myself boundaries to stay within and now I need to follow the guidelines of the program especially those about being honest with myself and doing the next right thing.  

I followed the rules for being an enabler and codependent and am trying to deny the consequences which never ever work out in anyone"s favor.  I am angry without wanting to practice acceptance and starting to blame which makes even more room for anger .

I haven't sat and read any literature for today or for a while and am going to do that now.

I am open to suggestions on your favorites when you find yourself in similar position.  I promise I will follow thru.  (((hugs)))  doh 



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Jerry F
Pol


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I read courage to change everyday and also one day at a time.
Hope for today is next on my to get list(I like that one).
sometimes one book will apply and the other doesn't and that's okay maybe next time I read that one passage that didn't stick it will work.

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"My Higher Power does not put any challenges before me that I am unable to face. The comfort I find in that knowledge can overcome my fears" C2C - June 11
Iamhere


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Jerry - I 'hear you' and get it....I have been in similar places and mind spaces and my best course of action is returning to Step 1 - remembering that I am completely (not partially) powerless and my life is/can become unmanageable (again).

Because I'm a double, I am always reminded of who I am and what I battle daily by reading Step One in the 12/12 and Chapter/Step 1 in Paths to Recovery. I find that when I return to Step 1 instead of just trying to regroup, I am better able to center myself, learn lessons and then to move forward.

I am guessing that your anger is directed at self mostly because we're quite a bit similar and that's where my anger ends up....I have to do a bit of self-talk or sponsor talk that reminds me I am designed to be imperfect and to make mistakes. I am not to be defeated when I fall down, but rather learn and get back up. While we are designed to be imperfect, we are loved, cherished and cherished by the one who created us - exactly as we are.

Sending love and light my friend - breathe deep and feel the grace arrive...

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
canadianguy


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Jerry....  I think, with our recovery, we sometimes need a gentle nudge, and at other times a sledge hammer might be more appropriate for us to hear the message, lol.  I remember in my ex-AW's drinking days.....  I was sitting in my counselor's office, my life completely unmanageable, and I was literally bawling my eyes out over yet another alcohol related incident.  During my tears, my counselor asked me - "so, do you STILL think you can control your wife's drinking?", to which (of course), I sobbed "yes!", and to which he replied with a knowing smile "...and how's that working out for you so far?"

 

Here is another from my archives, and we all have slips, my friend, even the wise old leaders like yourself.

Give yourself a hug, and get back onto the program that you know, from experience, keeps you healthy and sane


Tom

 

Step One - the weather analogy
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I was really really struggling with letting go of my illusion of "control" over my A, and her drinking....  I was a "fixer" at work, and many of us (perhaps men even moreso) are "fixers" in everyday life, and are often rewarded as such....  So after a couple of years of literally making myself crazy and frustrated, my wise old sponsor said to think of it like the weather....

"Tom, you have about as much control & influence over your A as you do over the weather outside....  Can you change the weather?  Of course not..... But you CAN wear a heavy jacket, or take an umbrella, or things like that."

That one always stuck with me....  Al-Anon, this board, and other recovery tools are my jacket and/or umbrella...

Take care
Tom



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Bo


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Jerry, I think it's wonderful that you are being so open and honest about your struggles. That said, we are only capable of seeing what we can see. However, there is far more out there we cannot see. In my experience, when I struggled with what you are struggling with -- I went back, and started at the beginning. The very beginning. Step One -- powerless and acceptance. I would immerse myself in it. For weeks, months. I am powerless over ________________ fill in the blank. It doesn't matter what it is. I am powerless. Since I am powerless, I don't "fight" whatever it is I am powerless over. I surrender to it. I embrace it. I feel it. I feel ______________ and fill in the blank. It is my feeling. Right, wrong, indifferent, doesn't matter. Without the fight, the denial, etc. -- I can embrace it. I can surrender to it and realize that it can be OK. I can be OK. Without the fight, the denial, etc. -- comes acceptance. That's where the answer is, acceptance. With that, whatever it is -- cannot consume me! Powerless, surrender, and acceptance.

Now, whatever it is -- it can be, can get handled, can be addressed, in and from a healthy perspective. Changed attitudes aid recovery. I can let it go as well, and that's important. Throughout the entire process though -- what was most important -- was to go gentle unto myself. We can't beat ourselves up. It prevents us from really getting better. Instead of acceptance, surrender, letting go, we dwell on self-criticism. While many do not agree, that ends up being self-sabotage. We often talk about forgiveness, letting go, etc. -- but what about forgiving ourselves.

All of this -- for me -- had to do with accountability and objectivity. Personally, I don't believe we can do this ourselves. We only "pick" what we see. What about our sponsor? Those who can be objective. Anyway, pain is inevitable...but suffering is optional.

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Bo

Keep coming back...

God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...

 
PosiesandPuppies


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Huge hugs Jerry!

Since I am a "manager" type person, I too, find Step 1 the go to. Really making myself understand that I have NO CONTROL over another person's actions.

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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 
JerryF


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Mahalo plenty ia ka ohana...Thank you plenty my family...First on my list this morning is read...Mahalo Pol, I have forgotten that habit...I will return with a better outcome.  (((hugs))) smile

Turned around to my literature bag...sitting on the floor just behind my chair and the first sight ?  the JUST FOR TODAY book mark...love at first sight thank you HP for this anesthetic.  (((HUGS)))  smile 

Page 194...July 12; ODAT.  Right along with what this loving and knowledgeable family has been telling and leading me to this morning.  The 1st step...powerlessness over it. Let go of my clutching hold on the problem and let GOD...work in this too. wink

confuseEncouraging and being kind to others is a way of being good to myself, and I don't have to sacrifice myself in the process. Courage to change pg194-7/12/18

The last read was and is from the Hope for Today and there it comes again that "F" word that I had at one time no idea about because my denial was so very strong and well intact.  I wouldn't and couldn't contemplate being FEARFUL and so used anger and rage as a diversion just as I had recently.  That is a habit that for now and at times I can set aside after using the our program well.  At other times I am overwhelmed by it and my spirit, emotions and behaviors cave into using from the past what I use to use that didn't work at making thing better for me and/or others only making things worse and outcomes bizarre.  I use to feel so sick in imagining how others saw me and how my HP did also.  I then came to imagine that my HP and others treated me with compassion, empathy and grace as the MIP family does.  The thought of the day ends with "my Higher Power is the confidence within me that makes me unafraid..."  smile  ((((Hugs)))) 



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-- Edited by JerryF on Thursday 12th of July 2018 01:55:20 PM

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Jerry F
Iamhere


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(((Brother))) - you got this!!! Sending continued love and light from East to West...

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
JerryF


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Thanks Sis very much...Your feedback is encouraging.  Still have a ways to go.  wink



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Jerry F
ginnyc


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Great topic. It reminds me that I must always be vigilant and will never be 'cured' from the effects of this disease. We are so blessed to have so much wonderful literature. I read hope for today and courage to change daily. I then read chapters from the other literature during the week. Also, attend f2f meetings.

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Ginny Cook
JerryF


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I did also Ginny and then stopped...consequence?  relapse.   (((hugs))) smile



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Jerry F
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