The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading through some old posts of success stories, having watched a few more blooming. Success. What is it for those of us who qualify for this programme? Somewhere over the last six months, I had really drifted out to sea. Rowing back to shore now that I recall it's direction. I looked up some old posts from a former members and now I can appreciate them from a whole new place. It is totally time to pull myself out of the doldrums. Others before me have done this whole single mother gone back to school gig and so can I.
I am struggling a lot with my special needs child. A lot. I have seriously considered looking into state care options for him because his requirements are above and beyond and it has taken its toll. It's difficult because the abuse risk for kids like him is so high and he can't talk and is physically absolutely beautiful. (Seriously, even his assessments note his physical appearance and it is always the first thing strangers comment on).
It feels like the metaphor of a house being on fire and choosing who to rescue when you can't grab all of them. But I have to take care of my other kids and I have to take care of me. It is so repetitive and frustrating. This is a kid who rips every book he can get his hands on, puts everything in his mouth, repeatedly urinates by windowsills, smears faeces everywhere, attempts to run onto the road should he be pissed off about something, and perversely, he totally does understand what he is doing, yet is powerless to stop it. On the plus side, he isn't a bad kid he's just really high supervision, stubborn as a mule with zero impulse control. Sometimes, he knows he has done something wrong and he looks at me like a toddler would, guilty and innocent and apologetic and whats the matter with you mum all rolled into one. He would probably be happy if he was fed five times a day and roaming the mountains and the beaches every day for the rest of his life. I get it but I can't give it. I'm not sure what will happen with him and to be honest, it is too draining talking to people about progressing him and having to endure the latest know it all in an official capacity who really doesn't know much at all. Cool, needed to vent that. I shall hand it over, having felt the feelings and really just ask my HP to give me enough to get through the next day with peace and love and a bit of joy, that would be great.
I got back my other results and got a better grade for my other paper which was more appreciated after the "dirty c" lol. The new semester is underway and it is totally possible to graduate at 40 and start a career. In this region, most higher education IS undertaken by adult students and so, it's all good. Even if it wasn't. What is success in the context of my life? Getting here and not stopping that's what. I don't know where this inferiority complex came from. Everyone has their journey in life and that is between that individual and his or her creator.
On the relationship front, I don't know. Having had so many children I think a relationship with myself would be lovely. A self with a career and secure children and enough to take a holiday every now and then. One day. That would be success in the context of my life. It is totally do-able.
(((A4!)) I admire your loving compassionate, generous, wise nature. Keep using your tools, being honest and open and the path for your challenging child will open. I have grand nephew whose behavior, when young was as you detailed. His mom, like yourself was/is extremely supportive of him - contemplated admitting him to a group home but like yourself decided against it and- He is now 22 is on disabiliy an dhas an apartment working in a job he applied for himself and holding his own. Love the dream of a future that you hold HP will see that it comes true. I returned o work at 40 and was very successful So keep on keeping on and please do keep coming backl I would entitle the post :ME"
Reading your post, I just was overwhelmed with admiration for you! I can read your doubt and uncertainty... but I also read great strength. I know that I could not do what you are doing... so I am celebrating your strength right now!
I believe that upon quiet reflection, you will come to understand the best path for your special needs child. I am not sure of his age, but I have seen cases in which parents cannot control their child once in the teen years... many times they are taller and stronger... so it becomes a matter of safety, for both the kid and the parents. It was hard for them to take the emotion out of the equation, but eventually, they all realized the best course of action for their families.
"A self with a career and secure children and enough to take a holiday every now and then. One day. That would be success in the context of my life. It is totally do-able."
I liked this. I am looking at a similar goal. Thank you for being a part of my healing journey!
Peace
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
(((A4l))) - your post reminded me of that phrase we hear - God doesn't give us more than we can handle....not as it's intended but in my style - those moments when I look to the sky and say, I'm at capacity - please take this or I will implode!!! This phrase has always, always rubbed me the wrong way only because when we're 'there' we do feel as if we are overloaded and the outlook is bleak...
I am instead sharing that this too shall pass. I see you as Betty does - strong, capable, loving and sane....keep doing you, leaning into your program and the answers will come - they always do! Glad to hear that your schooling continues and how awesome is it that you are doing it while raising kids?
Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
A4l, I can relate to your worries about a child with special needs. Who will care for him when I cannot? Iamhere, I too did not like that saying "God does not give us more than we can handle." I rolled my eyes at that one. It seemed like blaming the victim for not being stronger.
I had an insight recently. God does not give US more than WE can handle. I was not expected to handle it alone. With help from others it can be manageable. Once I reached out to others and accepted help that was available, my burdens became much lighter. It was a matter of finding the people who had the right stuff to be on my team.
Awesome share Freetime and a new way to look at 'it'!! Thanks for putting it out here - helps me respect that statement a bit more than before!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
" I returned to work at 40 and was very successful". THANK YOU!!!! Yep. It's gonna happen Betty. I will be 40 and fabulous. PnP thank you for the alternative understanding. He is currently only 7 but so so so so much energy. I sometimes tell him if he would just use that energy to concentrate more on the things that matter, we both might get somewhere. It is a bit like talking to some-one in a coma, but I am convinced he understands every word. Just admitting to the struggle and the thoughts of group home care helped to ease some of the internal pressure. I am literally scrubbing his crap and crying at the same time every other day. But at least he isn't in diapers in anymore and won't be as a teenager. I do have some help now that Im here at homeland, actually although my mother and I have some issues, she is a natural caregiver. You know one of those people who just thinks its the most natural thing in the world to be gentle and patient and kind to the infirm. I am at law school, because I prefer the realms of reason, logic and broad thought. But no amount of logic can compute this kid! IAH and Freetime, yes to the team including the member up there; I should and shall take more time to actively appreciate the help I have while I have it and will just take it one day at a time. On the mysterious workings of my creator, I have but an instinct. I figure all my kids and I have some kind of soul contract and when I'm dropping my end of it, I always know. There are some very depressing homicide statistics on severe autism parents and children and in all honesty I can totally see why. That is not going to happen to us should it reach that point and three steps before that point is when this kid goes to care. Thank God for this board and you ladies and the people on the team. Just talking about it really has ramped everything down to a manageable level again. I felt I was losing my mind! Probably the bleach fumes lol lol. Thank-you though, sincerely and deeply. Love from all of us.
(((Love and light))) right back to you.....grateful you are here and part of my journey. I did get a chuckle out of the bleach comment - that stuff does affect my brain cells at times!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
How often to people stick rigidly to the topic- and do not share their mind, their ESH at a meeting. ...
It is great to have the topic, for starters, oh yes! But we also need movement and growth... ...
It is early morning here, in my country. Already Friday- and freezing cold outside. We are really blessed here to hear from all over the world. This place is indeed a great sanctuary. I plan to go out and do some pruning- but will return to your share, here- for strength and inspiration... ...
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