The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last Wednesday, without notice, the ex alcoholic bf send me a text to say he is on his way to my home. I have joint title on the house with him. I was shocked that he drove 14 hours to surprise me without notice that he was coming to the house. I was stunned. I thought he would be her to do the renovations on the house he said he would to put the house on the market for sale. The electrical in the house needs to be fixed in order for the house to be sold. If not, the house can not be sold as the electrical in the house is not up to code at all. No-one will buy the house with wires going from one electrical panel to another electrical panel and its not properly set up. He is an electrician and he says he knows the electrical panel needs to be addressed before the house can even be put on the market for sale. He came to the house and said he will do renovations in the bathroom as well and fix the electrical wires. He arrived at 11:30 pm. He discussed how bad of a financial situation he is in and how the house needs to be sold urgently. I was civil with him and let him sleep in the master bedroom and I slept in the spare room. Then in the morning, just as I was having my coffee, he said I am giving you an offer on the house, and if you do not take it, I will sue you for taking me to court and me being found not guilty on the charge. He was angry! I got so scared, my anxiety level hit the roof. He said I have an appointment with a lawyer at 11 am and you better take this offer. I said I will get a lawyer too. I said I have legal rights as well and I will be getting a lawyer. He watched as I scrambled to find a lawyer and made an appointment with one for this Friday. He was angry at that and said you need a lawyer NOW! I want this house addressed NOW! He was very aggressive toward me, raising his voice! I got scared. My anxiety level and panic attacks were so bad, I was shaking and trying to think straight! I could not. Somehow through it all, I managed to get documents photocopied that I needed for a lawyer and not react to his anger outburst and aggression. I kept quite and did not say anything more that absolutely required. I was so scared due to the history of abuse toward me. He gave his lawyer his documents and I was able to find a lawyer myself and made an appointment for Monday (Today). He appeared very happy that I got a lawyer. I was so stressed being around him that I was shaking with fear. I could feel my body vibrating and I could not think straight at all. I asked him why would he just arrive without notice and freak me right out? He said I wanted to surprise you with this offer and I wanted to talk face to face and not through the phone. By Friday afternoon, I could not think straight at all. I was a complete mental basket case. I did not know what day it was. I was that stressed. By Friday, 3 pm, he decided to leave back to BC, Canada, I am in Edmonton, Alberta Canada a 14 hour drive for him, one way. I was such a basket case, I could not even drive. Finally, when he left, I was able to pack my belongings and I went to the lake with a man I had met, he is so nice, kind, gentle, understanding, caring, respectful toward me. I met him 2 weeks ago. This was our first weekend together since meeting. He is Dutch and I am First Nation. He is so stable and kind toward me and appears stable. I was not expecting to meet a new man after my last disaster relationship. I had such a great time with him at the lake. We laughed, swam, walked on the beach and made me calm down a lot. I am so grateful for his kindness during such a stressful few days. I do not expect much from this man. I am trying to not get involved emotionally with him, but enjoy his company!
Today, I spoke with my lawyer and was advised, I am entitled to half of the equity instead of his offer to buy me out and since I am at the house living here, he has not right to bother me any further. I was advised to get an emergency protection order against him or a restraining order. My lawyer said its now between the lawyers and do not in any way further speak with him or allow him in the house as I am part owner. I am on the title of the house. I am responsible for all the house bills like mortgage, taxes, electrical, water, sewer bills since I am living in the house. I was further advised to get the house looked at by rel estate people, at least 2. The problem is the house can not be sold with the electrical panel in the condition it is in because its not up to code. He knows that as well and said he would fix it, but he instead came her to scare the heck out of me and force an offer on me. I asked why did he not get sober when we were together and he said he was not ready and now that he is sober, he plans to stay sober. He is not accessing any AA programs but remains highly religious and talks nothing but of god and god and Jesus this and Jesus that..and on and on he goes. I asked if he is going to AA and he said No, do not need it. I am trying hard to remain detached and not let him rattle me further.
I am so grateful for all your support. If I did not have this site, I would be a mess. I just needed to share my developments and let all you know I read the messages on line here and it gives me great hope!
I like your lawyers advise. It could help to protect you from a lot of the mental abuse that is happening and which is definitely not ok. It must also be nice to have a clearer picture of what your legal situation is so that you do not have to take the rantings of a bully as the truth. It sounds like you are building up a bit of support and isn't it funny that the electric fault ends up being a saving grace!
You have your lawyer now -- and that's a very good thing. As your lawyer told you, let the lawyers handle this now. That will be good for you. As far as the rest, I hear you about the getting rattled. I had a great deal of that during my break-up with both my ex-wife, and my long-term ex-gf. I've heard in the rooms of alanon -- be clear about legitimate things that can rattle you, and people who can rattle you, perhaps because you let them. Sure, there's a lot more to it, but, I think there's a lot there. Detachment, both physical and emotional, allows me to not get rattled. Boundaries protect me, and they protect me from allowing someone else to get me rattled. It's like saying he/she pushes my buttons...do they? Can they? Do I allow it? What about me? My role? Why are my buttons able to be pushed?
That said, when my goal is to not get rattled -- I have a checklist that I go through -- detachment (physical and emotional), I don't engage when I don't have to, and I don't ask questions that are open-ended, involve or prompt major discussions, etc., and last but not least, I make phone calls!!! To my sponsor, my Blueprint For Progress/Paths To Recovery person. I focus on ME as obviously, this person is trying to harm me, in more ways than one. So, be careful. Protect yourself. You seem to be asking him some questions which can get you sucked right back in -- why would you just arrive, without notice, and freak me out? Why did you not get sober when we were together? Are you going to AA? Perhaps talk to your sponsor about not asking those types of questions. To what end? I've long heard in alanon, don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to. The quandary is why is it we want to know the answers to those questions, LOL. Focus on YOU. Take care of yourself. Let the lawyer handle this, and detach, stay clear, avoid your ex and getting sucked into his drama, chaos, havoc, turmoil, and his anger actions toward you.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((joker))) I can totally relate to that type of panic and fear. I had to call the police on my ex. He wasn't going to let me leave. I needed my clothes etc. It was interesting when the police arrived........they told me to go directly to get my clothing etc since he was the one in the house.....they looked around while i was doing so. They even looked in the fridge. That worked out well in my favor. (When I called them I had told them he gambled everything away and was also drunk.) One of the officers said, sir, it's none of my business that you gamble but I always take care of my wife and kids first. He told them it was his money and he would do with it what he wanted to. His mentality was a mess. One of those, "you're my wife so you have to do this and that" types..
I'm so grateful he's no longer in my life. It took me many, many years to get out and stay out. The emotional strength to do so.
PS looking back I wish I had not covered for him with all the family. I came out the bad person but then again, these days it just doesn't get to me as it used to. Hes the one who has to live with his lies and his life. I feel sorry for him and am sure in time his family will see the real person. Perhaps that will help him get help.......
(((Joker))) - good to see you! Glad to hear you continued on with your plan with a new friend. Glad to hear you got a lawyer and now know your rights. Just keep doing you, leaning into recovery, trusting the process and HP - in spite of his visit, you sound good sister....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Joker, I gather you are in Canada and I don't specifically know the laws in Canada. But in the U.S. it is not true that a house can't be sold unless its electricity is up to code. Now, it's sometimes true that a bank won't give someone a mortgage if the electricity isn't up to code, and they can't get insurance if it isn't up to code. But this is an easy fix. You just lower the price by the amount necessary to fix it. Like, if you are selling it for $100,000, and it costs $4000 to get the electricity done, you advertise it for $100,000 and then when someone is interested, you say 'And we'll lower it $5000 so you can get the electricity done." Or there are various other strategies to get it done when selling it, which real estate agents are familiar with and can tell you about. But it's not true that you have to have it done before you put the house on the market. Heck, some houses sell with no electricity at all! So talk to a real estate agent and get their advice. I guarantee you they know more about selling houses than your A. Sounds to me like he's feeding you a big story so he has an excuse to come and interfere with the house and with you.
I also like your lawyer's advice about the restraining order and about keeping clear of him. Hang in there.
