The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi, MIP! I've been thinking of checking in for a while and here I finally am doing that.
Lately I've been more focused on doing the steps (I'm on Step 6) and also f2f meetings. I was at a wonderful ACA summer camp that went for a couple of days, and something opened up in me, I felt and feel it, but I don't know what it is. Me coming closer to myself, kind of. There was this powerful speaker meeting, and we did "conscious touch" thingy and "biodance" thingy, and some other fun things. This was the first Midsummer celebration I have participated in that did not include alcohol drinking by any attending, which was very nice.
I have been no contact with my ex-abf for a month or two, well, since I last posted here about the crazy. While I still kind of feel I'm taking the easy road by refusing any communication with the ex (or perhaps this is my codependency speaking), my everyday life and overall well-being has become undeniably better and calmer, and I like it that way! So for now I'm trusting that if/when the time comes to renew contact, I'll know...
I'm happy to report that going through the steps with my sponsor is doing me a lot of good! :) I'm also happy to report I do not feel as crazy, unhappy, fearful and anxious as I used to. It seems life and the universe is not really out to get me, I'm beginning to trust it bit by bit.
For the last couple of months I've also been practicing being present and accepting whatever is. Not easy at all for me, but it feels good when I manage it at least to some degree, so I'll keep at it. I hope it is not inappropriate to mention here another resource I've been "using" of late, but I absolutely have grown to love the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, and it seems to me at least 95% of it all is fully compatible with the Al-Anon principles.
I'm also practicing being aware of my body - actually feeling I'm alive, conscious breathing etc. In retrospect, I've lived for more than 10 years almost exclusively in my head/thoughts and various fantasies that didn't correspond to reality, and it became a progressively more crazy, hostile and scary place!
I do not practice any of these things with anything close to perfection, which I s l o w l y begin to accept as normal. I honestly estimate I'm still around half-crazy, but there's progress and some sanity gradually returning, I'm rarely fearful anymore, although I still experience anxiety to some degree quite often, I smile and laugh more. When I acknowledge all of these things I'm very grateful and pretty amazed.
I am absolutely sure that working on myself will be a life-long task, and boy have I let myself go! I'm sure there's still tons of stuff I have yet to understand and accept about myself so that I can move on, denial to shed, and yeah those character defects that I'm now compiling in a list.
If I sound like I'm doing fabulous all the time, it isn't so, of course, but there's progress!! And this is my gratitude / how I'm doing right now on the whole post, so I think its appropriate to share my growth (and not dwell on what is not working right now)! :) Yay!
Thanks for being part of my recovery journey and being such a supportive group!
(((Aline))) - great share and lovely, lovely progress! I believe that any tools we find that help us grow, heal and deal are helpful tools and I also go outside the program when offered tools by others. I just want you to know that I too am still a bit insane - yet it's so, so different than it used to be...
Today, when I am feeling discontent, restless or irritable, I can look inside me for what's the cause. I laughed about 'the world is not out to get me' - I have a version of this I've stated in meetings that I had an aha moment by which it became clear to me that others do NOT wake up in the morning and plan/plot how can I pizz off IamHere today? I do get what you are saying - what others do has nothing to do with us - it's about them.
Keep doing whatever you are doing as it looks awesome on you! Glad you are also a part of my recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great to hear that you are doing so well! Thank you for the update, and keep up the healthy living!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
IAH - I'm kind of comforted by you admitting to being slightly crazy still, because then it doesn't seem quite as bad anymore. Also, the more I get to know my craziness, the less scary it seems, somehow.
(((Aline))) - I fully accept progress and not perfection.....it would be lovely to admit I am a serene person, from morning to night all day every day - that would be me in major denial!!!! What I do love about honesty, recovery and reality is I have no shame in my game - hoping always for sanity and serenity but owning 'it' when not there.
There is always comfort and hope in authenticity. I am relieved today to be able to feel 'not OK' and to reach out to those who love me and understand me for comfort, support and guidance. The 'me' before recovery was always FINE and would never let others see me vulnerable. I am very grateful that's not the me of today! Keep doing you and leaning in - I have found self-knowledge very enlightening and love that I can accept I and others were designed to be LTP (Less Than Perfect). (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
