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My A and I have been together for 12 yrs. We don't have children, I had an ectopic pregnancy in 1997 and haven't gotten pregnant since. I thought I came to terms with all this, well at least until this weekend. Most of the women in my f to f meetings have kids and do stuff together. I have felt like the sqare peg my entire life. My husband was really drunk on Sunday night and told me that he doesn't know what is going to happen to me when I am old because I don't have children to take care of me. Now I don't think that getting old and wanting to fit in are reasons for having children, but I hate all the questions/comments people ask- Don't you want kids? Oh, it's no wonder you are so thin you've never had kids!What are you waiting for your are 33? We would never be able to adopt because we don't even own a home, he barely works, and I support us and don't have time to stay at home to raise a child. I just wish people would mind their own bussiness, I feel like staying away from the f to f meetings because of this, I thought this was supposed to a kind comfortable place, I don't always feel so welcomed. I have a cold and just feel like hiding from the world today. I feel like a freak. Lil
Many chose not to have children, many can't for various reasons. That doesn't make you a freak.
Maybe if you shared this sentiment at your f2f they would understand your feelings. They maybe saying these things w/o thinking. Try the Al-anon slogan QTIP, Quit Taking It Personally. If you shared on this people might better understand. If they don't well then maybe there are other f2fs.
One of the things I really enjoy about Al-anon are that the principles are applicable to so much more than dealing w/ the A. Dealing with non A's, work, children. There are so many universal priciples. I've heard shares that dealth w/ a parenting situation which I was able to apply to myself as a whole, not just a parent.
{{{{Lil}}}} Welcome, we're all a little ala-freaky here in our own way, you fit. :)
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. But a child does not make a person whole, a person makes a person whole. If you desire a child of your own, there is always adoption, or giving back through foster care, or providing respite care on short term basis for those in foster care.
Only you know what you really want inside and what your life can handle. Other people don't think before they speak when it comes to having children and it is none of their business!! They may have good intentions, or just old fashioned ways, but that is not today, where every woman needs 5-7 kids to be complete. You make your self complete.
Josey
-- Edited by jrtjosey at 11:00, 2006-04-04
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
Now that I am getting divorced from my A husband and can clearly see the chaos that I lived in, I am grateful not to have subjected a child to that kind of torture.
Some people at my f2f2's have kids, some don't your life is your own.
At this point (43) I tell people I am too old to have kids. before I used to say I am waiting etc. What worked best for me to shut people up was when I said medically I could not have kids and my husband was unwilling to adopt.
It is awfully nosy of people to bug other people about having kids.
You are not a freak
keep coming back
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I understand your feelings. I don't have any children either. Not by choice it just hasn't happened. People can be very inseneitive to this subject. My family and his have repeatedly asked questions about children even after I have explained the situation. After so many years of being asked over and over, I have finally found an answer that either makes them laugh or at least stop asking. I say, we haven't practiced enough yet to get it right ... any suggestions? It's hard to believe that pouring my heart out over the problem they forget but putting them on the spot stops them from asking for some strange reason. It still hurts I just feel better having an answer rather than being dunbfounded when they make comments. And I save the sharing of my hurts for people who understand and care. I hope it gets easier for you. Take care of yourself.
I can tell you unequivocally that working on this program has helped me tremendously with boundaries. I no longer entertain the intrusive question. People can and do say silly things. I no longer take it as a reflection of me. I did not have children either. I have mixed feelings about that of course because I never really had the stability I think a child needs. I also did not have the income (under earning is a huge issue for me).
I am sorry to hear about your ectopic pregnancy. I am also sorry to hear that this is an issue that you feel reflects on your marriage. I know that not having children allowed me a lot of time and energy to work on my family of origin issues. I think it also in some ways allowed me a lot of room to contribute in many ways (which I used to do compulsively as I always did everything). I do not think I need a child to take care of me when I get older. I am hoping I can take care of myself. I certainly know the A is not going to be up for the task.
These days most of the time I look forward to my life ahead because I am pretty determined to live it in the program.
I am glad you are here. You are certainly not a freak. You are a human-being and there are many ways to be in the world. I did not notice particularly that everyone in al-anon had children I have seen a mixed bag. I do think it is a different perspective to have children but I don't feel out of it because I don't.
I also did not have children, I am 53.At Christmas at my in-laws I would go and sit with the men because all the women talked about was labor and their kids.I didn't really feel left out,just bored! If someone asked me why I didn't have kids ( and I think that takes alot of nerve!) I just said I couldn't.That usually shuts them up.If someone were to ask me why I didn't adopt I think I would just say I have to get going or change the subject.It really is no one's business.I used to think I had to answer every question asked of me but now I realize I don't.
I have been married 36 years(separating soon from my A husband).In my case I might have been able to have children,but I did not ovulate regularly and my husband had a low sperm count.Maybe with drugs or something we could have,and of course we could have adopted.But I was always taking care of him.When my nephew lived with us for awhile(he was a child) my husband would get mad when I spent any time with the kid.He was drinking of course.It was a full time job just to keep things going and get along with him.I don't know how women married to alcoholics deal with that and raise kids too.I see the posts and my heart goes out to them.I was not mature enough to handle that,my kids would have suffered,I'm sure.I grew up in an alcoholic home as well,my father was the A.
As far as kids taking care of you,there is no guarantee of that.Each of my sisters has one son, one is an alcoholic and one is a drug addict.They do not even get a card or call on mother's day so those boys will not be taking care of their moms.
My best friend also does not have kids, she is 57.In her case she just stopped taking the pill years ago and it just never happened.She has 2 other friends who do not have kids and are her age.So there are many of us out here you certainly are no freak.
Focus on you and take care of you.Don't worry what people think.
Hi hun, I also don't have children, partly through choice and partly through circumstance. Like you, I too thought I'd processed my issues and emotions around this so was very surprised to find myself feeling really sad about it all again just the other day. If you are interested in 'my story' and some of the details it was called 'I feel soooo sad, the past revisited'. (Currently on page 4 of the message board) I found my replies very supportive and helpful.
I'm so sorry for your ectopic pregnancy, that must have been very difficult for you. I think the suggestion to share how you feel about your situation at a meeting is a good one, if you feel up to it. People just may not realise they're hurting your feelings or offending you.
I never really had too many problems with other peoples questions and I think the fact I have acceptance around it made it less uncomfortable. Sometimes people ask just to make conversation and find a common ground with you, sometimes when they realise you don't have kids they get curious and want details. If I'm comfortable with them I may tell them, if I'm not, I don't. I usually say I am child-free as opposed to childless which by the very nature of the word implies I am in some way 'deficient' or 'lacking'. I don't think of myself as a freak and I certainly don't think you're one either.
When people ask if I have children, I just say 'No, I don't' and as I don't rush to offer an explanation, very few will actually push the issue. I suspect many have assumed I'm medically incapable of bearing children and it makes no difference to me what they think so I don't fall over myself to dispossess them of their assumptions. If someone should ask outright and I don't want to discuss it, I just say 'Oh, that's personal, I don't want to go into details.' (Please note that I don't apologise, 'Sorry, that's personal')
When people ask 'Don't you want kids?' I usually say 'Well, I did and now I don't'. I'm not in the least rude but it seems to stop them dead in their tracks. I had to chuckle about the 'no wonder you're so thin' comment. I too am still quite slim and for years was considerably underweight. I take it as a compliment when people say it to me.
I think in some ways it is easier for me as there was an element of choice in my being child-free. I would imagine it must be quite heartbreaking to desperately want a child and be unable to have one and when I watch documentaries about the lengths some people will go to just to have a beautiful baby in their lives, I have sometimes felt a little guilty. However, I don't feel deprived as I've always had contact with children. I have nieces and nephews and all my friends have children. Most of them are more than happy to 'lend' me their children for a day out or weekend stay. They get a break and I get to spoil the little ones silly...and when they get fractious I can give them back!
My biggest problem is that I find some of my friends seem to think I'm incapable or less-than because I don't have children. Often because I refuse to multi-task, unless its absolutely necessary. They tell me I don't understand and it's because I don't have children, maybe so. I think it's just that I would make different choices, easy to say not having lived it I know but here's an example: Friend is frazzled trying to cook the family meal, wash up, lay the table, get the children's uniforms and lunches ready for school the next day. Her partner (non A) and children are in the living room watching tv. She is taking on all the responsibility for the family and struggling then feeling resentful. I personally would ask the partner to either wash up or watch the dinner while I washed up and ask the children to lay the table. I would then sort the uniforms and do lunches at a different time. If the children were old enough they could also help with the lunches. I realise today that maybe my friend has control issues, a problem asking for help and a fear of inadequacy so when she's feeling bad about herself she tries to project it onto me. This all came out in a counselling session and had never occured to me. I used to take it on board and then leave feeling resentful and confused myself. The reason I've mentioned all this is that I'm trying to show that some comments may be insensitive and thoughtless, others said with no harm intended but some may also be more about the other person rather than you.
I try to focus on the positives of being child-free. I obviously have a great deal more freedom and time to do the things I enjoy. I couldn't wake up at 2am and decide to walk along the beach if I had little ones etc, etc. Also, on reflection I'm grateful that I never had children as inevitably they would have been affected in some way by my partners alcoholism and my 'craziness' while I was trying to cope it. That just means I have less issues to work through and fewer amends to make. Obviously, I had to grieve the loss of my unborn babies even though ultimately it was my choice not to have them. From time to time it still hurts but thanks to Al-Anon I now have the tools to cope with my emotions and time for me is a great healer.
Now I've written another 'epic'! I just hope that something I've shared will give you comfort and that you know you are not alone.
Well, as evidence by all the posts here, you certainly should not feel like the only person without kids! I, too, will join this conversation and state that after living with my significant other with now about 15 years we also do not have children. We have pondered the idea a few times but with me now being 45 and quite perimenupausal I am not anticipating it. I guess I should feel blessed that my remaining family has never pressured me or been nosy about "Why not?" They just accept me as I am. I have always been rather neutral on the subject of having children, even before getting involved with a recovering alcoholic/sex addict. My other half's niece has 3 little girls under the age of 10 so we do get some "kid exposure" from time to time. If people at f2f meetings are being nosy that would make me wonder why they would be like that- I consider too many questions from a stranger rather rude myself. There have been times in my life too I have been glad to not have brought a little one into an unhealthy situation.
So do not feel alone! I know you aren't the only one.
yep, I'm the odd ball in this group of repliers... LOL
I'm a man, and I do have a kid... trust me when I say simply that its not all its cracked up to be. LOL He is now in a adult body but little else has changed. 23 yr old body, with a 12 year old inside it
However, I am currently engaged to a woman (38 yr old) that has not had any kids and can't. This bothered her far more than it bothered me. She too has endured all the questions, the intrusive remarks, even sometimes rude comments by people, including family over the years. About a year ago she said, not having a child tends to make her fill like she is missing out on so much, and I told her that should we follow through and get married one day we could consider an adoption, but she might want to test drive someone's kid before deciding if she really wanted one of her own. Test Drive someone else's kid? she asked. I told her about the Big Brothers and Big Sisters program. She got herself a Little Sister (12 yr old) through this program.
She shows to have all the maternal instincts and is happy she can shower them on someone who is soo needy, and values her so greatly. I asked her how she felt about doing this and was surprised at her response.
"I have discovered I don't need to have a child, what I wanted was to love and be loved in a adult/child relationship and this has taken away the feeling that I am missing out on something by not being a parent." Today I am someone special to someone special and thats all I needed."
The kids mother is a crack addict that was recently sentenced to an 18 year prison sentence, father abandoned the family when she was a baby, she lives with 72 yr old grandmother.
It appears that God gave both of these people exactly what they needed when they needed it the most... and they are clinging ever so close to eachother and this has helped soften the blow's life has dealt them.
Yours In Recovery,
John
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" And what did we gain? A new life, with purpose, meaning and constant progress, and all the contentment and fulfillment that comes from such growth."
I have found that the many people I know who do not have children of their own for one reason or another have been the most kind, giving individuals to children of all ages. I am sure you fall into this category. I bet you have spread your love around in ways that you have not even thought about. You are a special person. Luv Leo xx
Have you considered finding another f2f to attend? I can honestly say I have never had members at a meeting probe into my personal life like that and I imagine I would feel very resentful if they did.
It's not acceptable behavior (especially at an Al Anon meeting!) So........you don't have to accept it.
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Kathy S --
~*I trust my Higher Power that I am exactly where I am supposed to be in my life today.*~
I think that sometimes people are funny about how they nose into the very personal business of other people ... and it really sometimes has little to do with me.
I remember back when I was turning 30. My mom was still alive, and she had been "at" me for about 5 years that I better get married by the time was 30 or else I was "going to lose all of my femininity. You know how those career women are." So, for my 30th I flew to where she was, and after we had toasted to my b-day, I raised my glass and said I knew it was her and me from there on out cause clearly now that I was 30 that was it! ;) I had a sly smile on my face at the time, so it was pretty clear I didn't believe it. She started backpeddling, and didn't bring that up again ... though she usually did her best to try and find some issue to get under my skin.
10 yrs earlier, when my brother was in his mid-20's mom was all over his case about getting married and having grandchildren (she WANTED grandchildren ... oh now there's a good reason to bring a child into the world!). My brother would either try to ignore mom or would get really angry. Well, I was a very young adult, and I was partly probably trying to protect my big brother (20 yrs b/4 I found al anon), and partly just tired of hearing this over and over -- so one day when mom was going "at" my brother again, I said, "well, mom, he's been to Viet Nam and Europe, you probably have grandchildren all over the world." She never brought that up again. Yes, I admit to all of you that my sarcasm was a defense mechanism, and it is one of my character defects that I do my best not to use anymore.
And people seem to feel that it is OK to come up and actually touch the belly of pregnant women ... I've never understood that one either. There is something about this very personal issue that some people feel is everybody's business -- but just cause they think so doesn't mean it is so, IMHO. And in our culture it seems that folks especially feel that it is OK to say the most personal things to women about these issues, that they probably would not say to a man (my mother excepted).
This is all my way of saying I agree with the folks above that perhaps the f2f meeting(s) you've gone to are not a good fit for you. Doesn't sound like they would be a good fit for me either. I have been pretty lucky in the f2f mtgs I've run across, but there are some that really I feel more connected to than others -- and so those are the ones I attend. I am aware of some folks who have had experiences like you describe, where there was a lot of cross-talk allowed, or where there was more judgmentalism than support. It took me a while to get to this point, and I still have my lapses, but generally, I have a choice who I will be spending my time with. I choose to go to al anon meetings with people who are focused on their own recovery, because by their example and their sharing I can do a better job of focusing on my recovery.
You've raised a very personal issue, and one that is very laden with emotion for women, even in this day and age. Our culture makes it particularly so. Only you know what is going on for you. I love this program for reminding us to trust ourselves. Take what you like, above and at any meeting, etc. -- and leave the rest.
