The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really get that detachment works and when I'm able to do it, it makes a tremendous difference in my life. But sometimes it seems impossible to stop those obsessive thoughts. I wonder if others have some practical suggestions of how to guide your thoughts during these frantic moments...
I try to 'set it aside' postpone the worrying and also to 'offer it up' to my higher power. But I still seem so invested in the future and 'what will happen' that I find it very difficult to let go completely and eventually I get dragged back into obsessive worrying.
Not sure who your "A" is, so it'skinda of a hard ? to answer. it is SO easy to fall back into enabling them especially when they work us over so hard/completely. They need us to distract themselves from the "man in the mirror" you could say.
Facing the ugly truth about humanity is difficult, not impossible, we are all essentially about the same, really!
We are mind-body-soul we are having a human experience, some ppl lie, cheat & steal ~ others would let go of a grain of hay for tangible money, depends on your ethics... I ought to know, I have a lot of ideas & issues w/ money, I could make a list of 10,000 why I wouldn't accept money, esp being artistic, that's is putting a price on something that is "priceless."
you sd, "But sometimes it seems impossible to stop those obsessive thoughts." - Cullyvan
I can tell you that for me, the more I focus on myself, the less I am concerened about what the A is or is not doing. The more I have learned to love myself, the easier it is is to detach with loving compasssion & simply give them up to God. God will take care of us all int he end.
Even if a person if "healthy" or 'normal' u cannot change them ~ all we can do do is change ourselves!
This is hard enough as, we don't want to face ourselves (many of us, act just like the A's - blaming them) I wouldn't put the responsibility of my actions upon another, nor will I ever take the consequences of someone else's actins ever again.
We all have free will, this is the essence of us that is the spark of life itself, the ability to be Creators & free will choice makers.
I thank God I have my own sound mind!
love -K of Light
stop worrying by not focusing on you, u cannot stop another person, the more involved u get in their head's the better liars u make them out to be. Live & let live, but you can change & control yourself... that is very empowering!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Thanks Kitty for the welcome and for the great advise.
You said: 'I wouldn't put the responsibility of my actions upon another, nor will I ever take the consequences of someone else's actins ever again."
But what does that mean? How can you avoid competely the consequences of another person's actions?
In my case my A is away from me at the moment and supposedly maybe perhaps not drinking. I don't know for sure. This is a great opportunity for me to learn to detach and focus on myself. But sometimes, he doesn't call or he doesn't answer or something or other and I'm off imagining the worse. And I tell myself that the worse could be happening, that it probably will happen and I just need to detach from him, detach from the situation and focus on myself.
I guess a big problem is my ego. It is so hard for me not to Know what's going on definately. I have such a fear that I will be fooled or tricked or lied to. But of course. It doesn't matter if I am. It is his problem. I just want so badly to learn this. I'm close. It helps so much since I've been reading about al-anon and going to meetings, using this site a couple times - it really has given me so much more peace of mind. It is just something you can never let slip, it seems. I so quickly let the fear back in.
I am pretty new at this to so take that for what it's worth... (My newbie disclaimer... LOL)
F2F (face to face) meetings helped me with this quite a bit. Detatchment is not distance really, it's a tool for allowing the A to be responsable for their own actions or behavior. It is very hard to get a grip on for me as well. - I am relatively new at this too.
You said: 'I wouldn't put the responsibility of my actions upon another, nor will I ever take the consequences of someone else's actins ever again."
But what does that mean? How can you avoid competely the consequences of another person's actions?
Someone said in a meeting once... "if it doesn't have your name on it... don't pick it up" At first I took it literally. My A broke the window out of the garage after getting mad at me. I left the glass all over the place and let her deal with it. But it is really so much more than that.
I was able to not be mad that she did it... I was able to really not drive myself crazy trying to figure out "why does she do that". She suffers from Aism and that's the kind of thing they do.
"I have such a fear that I will be fooled or tricked or lied to. It is his problem. I just want so badly to learn this. I'm close. " - Keep coming back and open your mind to the idea that fear is a product of what you believe and what you accept. At some point I hope to really accept the idea that - they say things to provoke an end result for themselves. I am only fooled or tricked if I believe what they say. That's a hard pill to swallow, because we love these people.
If you look at alot of the posts on here there is a common thread that says "... I can't believe they could do X..." Someone on here shared with me that "what they do is their disease, the fact that it drives us crazy is our disease..." ie it is a family disease. We all have it.
I think you are doing great, and just like me, it takes as much time as it takes to learn a new way of life.
There are many compassionate people here, with lots of experiences to share and a lot of hope that this can help your life. It works if you work it!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
oh, that's great your going to meetings... get a beginner's pack & everyohter pamphlet they have out there on the table... u will read in A Guide for the Family of the Alcohilic about what I mean about the 'consequences' as I was talking about.
rtexas had it right, let them deal with what they break or forget & that we lose ourselves in focusing on them... we learn in al-anon to nurture & focus on ourselves.
I had trouble focusingon me, I felt so much guilt, it just takes practise, if you study the material & apply it little by little, you will see changes, the Program really does work, I am living proof!
Also, we do have a 24/7 chat room... u can go in there to vent, ask ?'s & we have mtgs twice a day in there M-F 9a/9pm EST, Sat 10a/9pm EST, Sun 10a/7 pm EST. they are run pretty much like F2F mtgs but in between shares we encourage each other & say a word or 2 plus we take 3 topics not just one, I really like that, the on-line meetings are great!
Be kind & gentle with yourself, keep posting & keep coming back. H ope to see you in the chat room sometime!
Love, -Kitty of Light
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
