The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope everyone who celebrates, had an amazing holiday!
I have been sitting with some feelings of resentment, and something just triggered them again. My sponsor told me to write about it, so that I could "release it." So I thought I would write here... I may not be able to release these feelings yet, but it may help another.
I am resentful b/c last week I found out that my STBXH got offered his old job back. While I am just genuinely happy for him, and happy for me and kid that he now will have an income he can start paying towards support, I am resentful of the fact that he caused all this collateral damage & he spent 10 months in rehab working on him... having everything provided for...every. damn. thing. And I am struggling to land a job in my new field. Even though I graduated at top of my class, I am still 55 yrs old. I may not look like it, but I am, and ageism is real in the workforce. He just gets to jump right back in, at his original very high payscale & duties... almost like this never happened. Meanwhile, I am struggling.
I AM proud of going back to school, and I am proud of the work I am doing to further my education and move into a brand new line of work... but I am having jealousy issues with the fact that he caused all the hardship, yet his journey seems smooth... almost easy - I realize that overcoming addiction is NOT easy, but there you are.
Just today I saw some pictures of myself w/friends watching fireworks yesterday, and I look so fat! Like an Oompa Loompa! I am not used to this. I have been struggling to keep it together mentally, keep focused educationally, stay abreast of bills that are like mountains... that I have let myself get unhealthy. While my STBEx has lost at least 40 lbs this past 10 months.
Upon writing this, I can see that my resentments come from focusing on HIM. That is NOT what I am supposed to be doing. I need to refocus all my attention on me... what I need, what I want, and maybe most importantly, what it will take for me to be physically healthy.
I just recently switched over to a Keto diet (b/c it is what makes me feel the best)... it has only been 3 days. So I will concentrate on that - "with laser-focus" as Bo says quite frequently. I believe that may help me disregard what I feel are inequalities in our (Ex-hubbie & my) separate journeys.
Thank you for allowing me this safe space to get it all out... the good, the bad, & the ugly!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - I've always been a fan of write about it, talk about it and pray about it....I think I hear you finding some awareness in your writing, a great outcome of the paper/ink process (or keyboard/screen). Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers for continued healing on your journey.
As far as Keto - that's what I did and what I do....I am now in a maintenance mode and go clean 3-4 days and keto the other 3-4 days. I was diligent in doing it until I got back to my goal weight but there are great recovery options should you have a cheat day. I'm same age as you and also tried other methods with little success. This works best for me and helps with other issues (digestive, bloating, hypoglycemia, etc.)
Keep doing you sweetie, One Day at a Time! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dear. (((((PnP))))))). You are doing what I do. I vent, write, share, And now talk to my inner HP. I also reach out to trusted loved ones for support even if it is just to validate my feelings, to let me know that I matter in someway. I also get into physical exercise as well, even if I have already done my work out, if I am needing to vent or Release negativity or whatever they want to call it, Ill get on one of my workout machines and give it hell to expend all the stress. I am glad that you came here and wrote about it because now you will get feedback and validation and support that you need right now. Sometimes I wonder too, why the karma had to be so tough on me, when my alcoholics and abusers seemed to get off Scott free. But did they really? He will drag his issues with him and it will keep coming up to bite him in the ass, while you improve and get healthier and get better and get more peaceful. Yeah the road might be a little bumpier for you right now but in the end you will be OK. All the bad karma he has made, is his issue now, not yours. Just keep putting out good energy and healthy self love and trust me you will be OK and life will start getting better for you. I am quite a bit older than you but I still think I can make a better life for myself just being positive and loving and healing to myself and sharing that with safe others all the bad karma he has made, is his issue now, not yours. Just keep putting out good energy and healthy self love and trust me you will be OK and life will start getting better for you. What we put out, does definitely come back to us. That has to be true, otherwise what would be the point? So just keep working on you, vent as much as you need to and reach out for support, the road will get easier. Sending you hugs of support
-- Edited by mamalioness on Thursday 5th of July 2018 05:27:46 PM
PnP your post brings back super memories for me. I knew nothing about alcoholism when I first arrived at program and couldn't even spell it. I was "dumb as a stick" I use to say and also followed your lead about how to help myself and with who. My sponsor suggested that "I find everything I could about the disease" and I took that literally enrolling in college about it too. The program gave me much of it's wisdom from inside the rooms and conferences and committees and college gave we wisdom that blew my mind.
Try focusing your resentments against the disease rather than the person. That will make it easier on both of you. He wouldn't wish this disease on himself or anyone else on purpose. ((((Hugs))))
Thank you, IAH. I am a little irritable b/c I am very hungry... still trying to figure this thing out. LOL!
Mama - thank you for your kind words and super support! Many times when I am feeling low, I read some of your posts... you are in a good place, and it makes me feel lighter in my soul to read that!
Jerry - "He wouldn't wish this disease on himself or anyone else on purpose." No truer words were ever spoken...thank you!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
PnP - I sent you a PM on what helped me when I first started out.....good luck and as with all things in recovery, One Day at a Time thinking helped me change my eating habits!!! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
