Sometimes loving people is only possible from a distance, which may or may not close. Yes, I can relate. But I look back at my years of "desertion " from FOO with happiness. Enjoy your happiness.

DETACHMENT . . . the word that I start every day hoping to achieve and failing miserably. "DO NOT ENGAGE," I have said to myself every morning for years as I head down the hall to do just that. This may seem simplistic to those of you who have been able to actually achieve detachment, but despite my struggles to get there, I find myself in a pickle trying to discern exactly which of my actions constitute "enabling." I seems like anything I do to keep body and soul together enables him to stay drunk all day, every day.

Is there one universal NO. 1 RULE OF DETACHMENT that must be obeyed above all others? If so, please advise. I'd like to start with that one. I can't take them all on at once.

 

 

Gracious Ginny I'll bet we have very similar DNA.  I even have a younger cousin with your name and born and raised within this most cunning, powerful and baffling life threatening disease.  I feel we could be connected at the hip if not also the heart.  There are others on this board that are related yet with other mothers.  I am going to leave for now with the hope you keep coming back often.  My cousin Ginny I wish could also be alive while still being affected like we are.   ((((hugs)))) 

MegaHeroine...Jennifer....Welcome to the board...Detachment is a Higher Power word for me and a Higher Power behavior, thought, feeling and intention (spirit).  It is not abandonment  and was once given to me as being able to be around others/or the alcoholic and not have it rub off on me.  I like that because I get to be me the way I want to be me without the victimization and control issues.   Keep coming back...you will get it as you hand with this family.  Keep reaching out and asking.   ((((hugs)))) 

Thank you for your response, Iamhere.  I think that perhaps I should just start by actually thinking about my reaction before I actually respond.  "Detachment" meaning just that.  Maybe try to look at the situation like a fly on the wall and not immediately respond to him trying to make me a target.  Of course, that goes for my attacks on him as well.  I do have a tendency to create chaos out of pure frustration.  I read a slogan today that kind of sums it up. . . "Detachment.  It's simple, but it ain't easy."  :)  Truer words.

-- Edited by megaHeroine on Thursday 5th of July 2018 05:51:25 PM

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 hey mega:   "DO NOT ENGAGE"   booooy, there were times when I had to leave and not just for an hour but at times over night because I didn't want to engage...but when I was married, I was not in program yet, so i over reacted...I would "leave" for like an entire weekend...MIA big time instead of just saying something like  "sorry you feel that way" and leave the subject, its soo hard not to get that last "shot" in , to trade jabs with them, but at what cost???  now with my other addicts (siblings and dry daughter)  I just do my life, do the next good thing by me and I let them reap whatever karma they make...I stand back...butt out...take my hands off them..verbally, physically (care taking etc) and emotionally (enabling)   nope....they learn or they suffer the consequences...I have my hands full taking care of my life...........so sorry you are having it tough right now...hang with Al-anon...stick with us and try to get into meetings so you can face2face with others in the same crap storm of active alcoholism....Nobody has the right to tell you what to do....but you CAN make a better life for yourself by just focusing like a light beam on yourself and your issues, your needs, etc., and yea, someone said, its simple but it aint easy.....soooo true......keep coming back...This program, the steps, slogans, fellowship, working wtih a sponsor really, big time, helps.......IN SUPPORT

Well, I have practiced what I preached above and there's been no change in him, but there has been a huge change in me! When I want to scream at him as usual, I hear myself saying in my head, "Don't say anything." There has been no drama at all for the past two days. He is doing what he is doing and I am doing what I am doing. We banter back and forth without the usual hysterics. I even ordered myself a little bracelet I found on etsy that says "Follow Your Bliss." When I look at it on my wrist, it is a reminder that my goal is to focus on MY happiness, not what he's doing. It makes me smile when I see it. It's like a little secret message just for me. :)

I often tell myself, "He is not preventing YOU from doing anything you want to do." And that's true. I do have some physical disabilities resulting from a car wreck when I was 18 that now at 71 cause me some pain, so I can't get out and walk long distances and explore like I would like to, but I am working on it. I am making lists of places I want to go and things I want to see and do. I live in Florida, so the state is basically my oyster. . .so many things to do. Of course, I will be doing it alone because I don't really know a soul in this state, but that's nothing new for me. As the oldest child of an AF, I became the family caretaker. Just to get out of the house, I often would go out and just walk for miles by myself (before my car wreck). As an adult, I usually found myself alone and although I always felt lonely, I almost preferred it that way. I went everywhere by myself and put myself in some pretty dangerous situations as a result. I told myself I can come and go from any event when "I" want to and not have to cater to what others want to do and I liked that. People in general have basically always been a disappointment.

I have a very generous spirit, although it can be a little controlling at times. Not unusual for an ACOA, I suppose. I have found that I was there for my friends when they needed help, but when I needed the same. . .nobody there. I have had more than one friend drop me because I didn't leave my AH. They just got sick of hearing about it and I don't blame them. I'm not sure I even know how to maintain a friendship. It never feels comfortable. I always feel like they are judging me. Basically, people get on my nerves.

When I met my AH 30 years ago, he was an active compulsive gambler. I was CRAZY in love with him, despite the fact that there was nothing about him to love and there never has been. LOL/:( There really are no good times to look back on. It's always been a struggle. He smoked excessively until he finally developed COPD, which, of course, I used to scream at him that he would. I used to think, "If I can just get him to quit gambling. . . .smoking. . .screaming, then things will be fine. WRONG! He always drank, but ever since he quit working about 10 years ago, he's been drunk virtually every day. He starts at 7:30 a.m with 4 oz vodka shots with a splash of mixer in a diner coffee mug, not even any ice, and it goes on all day from there. Ugh. It's so disgusting. He also takes mild prescription anti-depressants or else he is really vile and aggressive. And like I said, he's a SCREAMER! I don't know how anyone with COPD can scream that loud. My God, I know all the neighbors all hear it. It is so humiliating. I don't even speak to them anymore. I think they think I'm a big drunk, too.

I guess we could say this guy really has an addictive personality. . . he's also addicted to TV and Fox News in particular. It blares all day until I want to scream from the sheer repetition of the stories. The remote rarely leaves his hand, even when he's passed out on the sofa where he lives. Anything he likes, he's addicted. Long story short: As my mother used to say about my attraction to him, "Whatever he's got, he keeps it hidden." Haha

As a result of my painful, scary childhood with an alcoholic father, non-nurturing mother and the disfiguring car wreck at 18, low self-esteem has made getting hooked up with a series of complete losers more than easy. I have always been trying to save somebody and they were usually willing to let me assume the role even though they didn't want to be saved, so it always came back to bite me in the ass. This is my third marriage. I won't count the dozens of others that I didn't marry that I found in bars. I will say it is easy to feel superior to these fools, so when you have low self-esteem (that you are not really aware you have while you are doing it), that's an attractive hook.

When I recently decided to start working on "DETACHMENT," I searched and found this site. Thank God! It's already been so comforting and I can see I will learn so much from others. I was raised in the church basement al-anon meetings and have gone to many as an adult for my AHOC co-dependency and his drinking. I even dragged him to GA and went to Gam-Anon which was a huge fail. Point being, I am not a newbie to the tenants of Al-Anon, but I don't think I have ever been able to put my outrage and/or overwhelming desire to save him aside long enough to really internalize what was being offered until now. And now, I am feeling very grateful.

To those that take the time to read this long-winded post, thank you all for allowing me to blab on and tell a little of my story. Blessings to you all. ((Hugs))