Please be gentle on yourself. There's nothing wrong with time alone. Sending warm thoughts and prayers.

((((((((((((((Andromeda)))))))))))))))))). It makes me sad to see you call yourself broken when you are the one in recovery, working to get better, working to reconcile with yourself, lets call it perfectly in perfect, or a work in progress, that sounds much more true than broken.

The relationship may or may not work. It appears that you are doing your best, and even repenting of your mistakes and being honest with him Its perfectly understandable that you felt embarrassed saying that you needed to work your program, I used to feel the same way but now I do not because I figure I am a step ahead of all of those people who need the program and who are not in it I am here with my shirt sleeves rolled up doing the work to make myself a better person, so I am no longer broken, I am a work in progress, I am a perfectly imperfect human being and I am starting to like and respect myself because I could have taken the easy way out and just kept blaming my abusers and not doing anything to help myself. But I chose to get help. So did you. Because I cannot come over there and give you the hug I want to, I am asking you to hug yourself. Youre doing a great job. Nobody knows what our futures have for us, all we can do is do our best one day at a time and as long as you are doing that which I see that you are, if the relationship doesnt work out it may be a blessing in the long run because if he does not trust you, and is accusing you of infidelity, that is going to wear pretty thin. Youre the one thats in recovery so give yourself a big hug for that.

 

((((Andromeda))))  That caused echoes from the past to rise up for me and the first echo was the voice of fear...fear of what? anything or everything and it seems both you and your Boy Friend are affected.  Why would he track you? fear...Why would you lie?  fear.  I use to live that way until I accepted the program and the steps...Admitting I was powerless was a huge coming out for me as I admitted it to myself and to others in the program who were supportive. Fear is a huge part of what makes the disease run and keep running and not being open about it keeps it growing.

I need to keep inventorying my program and how I work and live it...I have to cause the program contains the solutions that bring me to serenity and sanity.  Do you have a sponsor?  Are you working program with that sponsor?  What is your part in the problem you are having honestly?  Sad with you that you are going thru this.  Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.   ((((hugs)))) 

It sounds like you are having some very big awarenesses about this relationship. I remember in your older posts you seemed to try so hard to own your part in every situation with your bf. I see it again in this post but as you know one person can't do the work of two. And if the pattern is for him to walk it back the next day and act like nothing happened "the elephant in the middle of the room" as you rightly called it in your post - well, if nothing changes nothing changes. Maybe you've outgrown him?  You're concerned about lieing to him. Just my experience but I've found myself lieing to people to protect myself from their wrath, criticism and punishment of some sort. I've lied because I didn't feel the person was safe to be vulnerable with. I have withdrawn into myself and limit my sharing both physically and emotionally with such people. Plain and simple.. I don't feel safe with them. After reasoning it out, it sometimes results in loving them at a distance if these are not willing to respect my personal boundaries. But in my life partnership, like you I need emotional intimacy. Of course an Alanon sponsor is a wonderful thing for help and guidance with the program but that intimacy at least for me, cannot fill a missing piece in my life partnership. If it does, I'm just having some sort of relationship of convenience. An honest 4th and 5th step helped with seeing how I cultivated that dynamic for a long time in my romantic relationships. I didn't trust my ability to make decisions, my intelligence, my emotional availablity to fully show up intimately, my hp to take care of me in all my life struggles. Ultimately, I attracted controllers who were all to happy to let me know who I was. They often looked good on paper and their outsides very often didn't match their insides just like me. Only I mistook their arrogance for confidence, my vulnerability and being a human being in progress for "brokenness." Alanon is an amazing thing isn't it? One day you're going along in that seemingly one down position and poof all the things you've heard and been trying to practice gel. You have this awareness that your growing and deserve the best you can give to yourself. I use to have a very hard time ending relationships. In fact, I didn't. I was left and didn't do the leaving. I acted like I was glad someone was willing to have me because I thought I was so broken so in need of their control of my life and guidance. When Alanon helped me to stand up and speak for myself, people like that tried to push me back down or they left me. There just isn't any going back to a one down position once Alanon recovery takes hold at least in my experience. I know because I tried in order to stay with someone I had outgrown. I felt squeezed into a tight space and suffocated. I really smiled when I read all the awarenesses you have come to with the help of your hp. You are not broken (((andromeda))) not by a long shot! :) Imho, there is no shame in wanting a balanced love relationship of mutual respect to include one's personal right to privacy, space, safety in sharing intimately and unselfish physical intimacy. I hope your bf will respect your wants and needs in the relationship and be open to knowing you as you are today. You say you lied but you voices so much honesty openness and willingness to him as a result. Now you can see if he is going to react or respond. Maybe it was meant for all of this to come out between you. You'll make a decision a tsome point if the relationship is right for you. I wish you the best going forward. You're honoring your feelings and you can be proud of how you're working the program. (((hugs))) TT

((((Andromeda))))

Huge support here! I see that you are really working your program regarding this. You are NOT avoiding or trying to sweep it under the rug. You admitted to the lie and you tried to make amends.
I can tell you know the bigger issue is the "why" you felt the need to lie. And I can tell you are examining that... even among all the "noise" your BF is creating. Don't let him distract you from the real issue for YOU.
Keep working it!!

Sending you love & peace.

I read a post like this and on one hand, I keep my program hat on so to speak. On the other hand, I read certain things, certain perspectives, I distinguish certain elements, and my "coaching" hat finds it's way on, LOL. So, I step back and keep my program hat on. Interestingly, I teach a seminar on relationships and communication (for an advanced adult educational organization -- NON-ALANON), and I am often quite pleasantly pleased and surprised how much "program" finds it's way into other disciplines, methodologies, curriculums, etc.

That said, from my experience, it is not about a lie. It is not about condescending. Cause and effect. People don't want to face those two elements because it's easier when it's the other person's fault. It's easier when we don't act, but when we are reacting to something else that someone else did. Not meaning we always look to blame, but it's easy to argue or take a stand on something the other person said, did, etc. How many times did an argument start...and sometimes fairly quickly...the argument ended up not being about the original topic, subject, incident, etc.? It's common. Sometimes you end up arguing about how you argue, what you say, etc. You always. Every single time. You never. You constantly. Sound familiar? Lol.

So, what's this about? It's not about the effect or the byproduct...it is about everything that caused all of that to occur. For example, you weren't pulling away from the relationship all week because you were hurt by a condescending remark he made to you earlier in the week...you were pulling away from the relationship because of that and everything else that you haven't liked, felt good about, etc., in the last X number of weeks, or even months. We sometimes don't like that we have to "work our program" and do work, because we think we should be better. We think we should do better. And, we don't like that it might be another person who "pushed our buttons" or "triggered something" or "did something" and so on. That shouldn't happen to us. Well, it does, it can, and it will. It's innate. And, your bf's condescending remark wasn't about something you just said or did right there in that moment...it was about the same thing, everything else that had gone on, that he didn't like, etc., for the last who knows how long. These things are cumulative.

After cause and effect, you then have a distinghing element, something that can become representative of something we don't like, feel good about, something that bothers us, whatever. We can distinguish this because it's not about what he said or she said...it's about us and something. In this case...TRUST. That is your distinguishing element. It is all about patterns. If you look around other parts of the relationship, you will see issues of trust. It could come out in minor ways, or ways that may not appear to be about trust, because it may not be about trust as it relates to a person. Look at how a home is decorated, about how decisions are made, about the dynamic between the people who live in that house. You have this problem with Trust now. And, I get that. It's valid. However, look at what else is going on. What else you are not happy with -- but, keep it in the "I" -- and not about him. It doesn't have to be "about" you, but don't make it about him. I am not happy that I don't get to have input or help decide X, or I have always felt that I am not heard or get to express my feelings on Y, and so on.

When we talk about our "picker" being broken, that too is something that we can get a handle on. I found out my picker was broken, two major parts of it. I worked on it, both inside alanon (Blueprint For Progress, Paths To Recovery, and just doing the steps again), and outside alanon, which a "coach" who was able to bring a great deal of knowledge, objectivity, and accountability to the process. Alanon kept me grounded. It kept my head where my feet were. The coach work "fixed" what was broken.

But, here, we lean into and we work our program. It works if you work it. Keep up your good work and all the best.

We had another talk. He still doesn't trust me, he still thinks I'm hiding something. I told him that our cruise next week will be quite awkward if we're not on the same page. He agreed. He told me that he believes I'm purposely sabotaging our relationship because of my lies. I asked him if he wanted me to move out. He put it back on me and told me that it's up to me.

Long story short, I think it's time for me to move on. I'm not OK. I can't work with someone who doesn't see their part and isn't willing to see their issues in the relationship, as well. He doesn't want to hear how his behavior has contributed to our issues, he doesn't see it, and I'm too old to try to explain it to him.

Anyway, I haven't ended it yet. But, I'm fairly certain I won't be going to Alaska, even if it means I'm out of the money. I don't see putting myself in that position as being a good thing!

Please pray for me to have clarity.

(((andromeda))) - praying for you and for clarity. For me and my recovery, I can say that relationships with other imperfect people has always been the most challenging part of my existence. I too often pray for clarity and direction and an ability to seek to understand. While I certainly don't have the right answer to fix all my challenging relationships, I will say that when I try to put myself into the shoes of another does sometimes help me better understand where they are coming from AND accept that which I don't like.

Please remember to be gentle with you. We each deserve to be happy, joyous and free and trusting our HP and recovery is one method of keeping that 'end game' in mind. I tend to believe and trust that most people want the same and truly don't wake up with the intent to irritate or annoy me, even if/when they do. We are all the sum-total of our past experiences and some are just more damaged than others. I have to keep close to my heart the realization that I am worthy often and that while words hurt, they don't define me. Huge (((Hugs))) as you process and work through this.

Betty, I am done. I know it in my heart. I'm not throwing the baby out with the bath water, I'm going to get free from a partner who has financially exploited me, who does not initiate affection, who stonewalls and judges, who refuses to see their part in the relationship, etc. In all of that, the biggest issue is that my partner just doesn't want to be an equal partner in this relationship. I can only apologize so many times and it won't get me anywhere anyway. He's told me before that he does not forgive and that oftentimes forgiveness isn't the answer. He holds grudges and he's told me that he can be vindictive. Is that the kind of man I want to be with?

This has been a long time coming. I've been sitting on the fence for a few months now. Back in March, I remember telling my sponsor that I didn't feel emotionally safe with him. This episode has been the catalyst for what I see is the end. Every time I share feelings with him he could never validate them. I often felt unfulfilled and left feeling like our emotional connection was always lost. I tried to accept him for who he is. I tried to overlook and be willing to see his humanness as well as my own. I think I have a lot more growing to do, but I know I want to find someone one day who cherishes me, who validates my emotions as best as they can, and who I feel truly safe with. I did not feel safe with him. I don't want to fight for this anymore and keep accepting things that I'm not OK with.

I just have to gather the strength to tell him.

andromeda,

You sound like you've given a lot of thought to your decision. You're in my thoughts and prayers as you find strength to keep moving forward.

A few things that were once offered to me by Alanon members that still guide me.  My sponsor told me that "anyone can be good for an hour." She told me this when I began rationalizing the instant change for the better in my bf when he knew I was going to end things.

The other thing I was told by a guy in our program when a romantic relationship I was having just didn't feel right for me. He told me that I should think of a person who I'd always felt happy and safe with. I thought of my grandmother. He said, "TT, that's how true love should feel."  

I don't know if any of this helps but from my experience, the sense of relief that comes over me when I make a decision that honors myself even one that involves letting go; I take to be my higher power's will.  ((hugs)) TT

THIS SPOKE VOLUMES TO ME...

"He told me that I should think of a person who I'd always felt happy and safe with. I thought of my grandmother. He said, "TT, that's how true love should feel."

I wish for you peace & clarity as you move forward through your week. Honoring your true feelings will not be easy, but it sounds like your inner self knows the path it needs to take for serenity.

(Andromeda))) prayers and positive thoughts going out to you.

Just read .. big hugs my friend ..

I ended things. Its quite late here. Really cant sleep. Same old story of blaming me. He was shocked I was giving up the cruise. He told me I obviously never loved him and that he still thinks I cheated. Why would I want to stay in a relationship where this gets swept under the rug? He seemed to be acting like he going to continue our relationship despite his claims that I cheated. Why would he do that?
Not that it matters. Its over. Ill be taking the next 12 days to move out, find a place first, and to grieve this loss. Im battling anger at myself, guilt for doing this to the kids, and anger at him for his part as well. It will take time.

(((andromeda))) - sending you (((hugs))), positive thoughts and prayers. I also agree that you feel your feelings and just take things one day at a time. I am hopeful you can be gentle with yourself and lean into your support system at this time to heal and deal.

For me, processing my part and what lessons I can learn is one-sided when I am emotionally charged. My best suggestion is to be gentle with you, do the next right thing and just move forward as easily as you can. Hang in there sweetie...