The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for tomorrow in Courage to Change discusses how we learn in Al-Anon that our well-being cannot depend upon whether or not an alcoholic drinks or gets sober. The alcoholic's behavior is not a reflection of us, it's a reflection of their disease.
What is a reflection of us is our own behavior. When we practice self-care and accept that alcoholism is a disease for which there is no cure, we begin to value ourselves and our lives in spite of what others are/are not doing. Many alcoholics make a number of attempts at sobriety before getting sober, and others never do.
By working on our own recovery, we find our own lives to important to waste time waiting for someone else's choices...even when it's someone I dearly love.
Reminder --- No matter whether the alcoholic in my life is drunk or sober, the time to put energy into my own recovery is right now.
Quote for the day from ... In All Our Affairs --- "Al-Anon helped me to focus my attention on what I could do about my situation, instead of concentrating all my attention on what I thought the alcoholic should do. I was the one who had to take a stand."
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This reading starts out with the writer feeling the drinking in a loved one was a reflection on her/him....I can so relate! I truly felt I was a failure because my A(s) were advancing in their disease and I had no control or influence. I am a reasonably successful and intelligent person, yet felt like a failure as my life, family and home were insane and unmanageable.
I felt relief when I began to accept that I was powerless and it was OK - I was not designed to fix others -- not now or ever! I was designed to be imperfect, do my life, love unconditionally and be of service. My thinking had been distorted by the disease for a long while, and I really felt if others around me were unhappy, I should be too. If they were mad, no matter the reason, I thought I needed to help them 'come out of it'....small examples but my reality - my ego had me responsible for all kinds of things that were well beyond my scope.
As I began to work recovery, I could see that expecting others to complete me, fulfill me or even compliment me is not healthy. All relationships have pros/cons and saner than I people could weather these events better than me. Detaching with love started out hard yet with practice got easier. I am grateful that I was able to detach from my A(s) and find my joy and center again.
Make tomorrow great MIP - it's going to be another really hot one here! Golf in the AM and softball in the PM. If you can spare some prayers, my friend with C is having great difficulties post surgery and went back to the hospital.....she just got released on Friday, and is seeking comfort and peace for however much time she has remaining....TIA!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great reminder IAH I know it was difficult for me to accept my powerlessness when I first entered program. The first break through that I experienced (after several alanon face to face meetings )came when i learned to keep an open mind and read the AMAs decision regarding the disease concept of alcoholism.Acceptance of this basic truth helped me to detached my focus from the alcoholic and place it on my behavior, my beliefs and attitudes.
A belief in a Higher Power also strengthened my ability to practice this program with dedication and determination . The slogans, the Steps and meetings all provided the framework for me to learn how to redefine my life.
Thank you for your service IAH and i Thank alanon every day for my life .
-- Edited by Iamhere on Sunday 31st of January 2021 01:16:54 PM
Good morning, MIP! IAH, thank you for your service.
I feel like today's reading is exactly what I needed to hear. My wife came home yesterday with some beer and decided to try to hide the drinking of it in the bathroom. Of course, I heard the tell-tale Cough-crack-cough of her opening the can. Thanks to program tools, I'm content with the way I responded to the situation. I've been pondering today what to do. She's just started a new job, and while I don't "need" her to help with bills, it would certainly help my credit card balances if she did. I set a boundary when she moved back in a few years ago that she has to stay sober, she cannot drink in the house, she cannot bring alcohol into the house. I know that relapse happens, but this is the third or forth time in the past five months that this has happened. I haven't asked her to leave yet, and I haven't enforced my boundaries, other than restating them firmly and adding new ones (for example, she cannot drink in the driveway or the yard, either, and drinking in her car in the driveway is the same thing as drinking in the driveway.)
Today's reading is really helping me to think through my situation. I know I cannot control her or her drinking, and I am not trying to do that. By all appearances, she isn't able to stop drinking right now. I do not want to wonder about what I am coming home to at night. I need to know that my house is free of alcohol and that the people in it have not been consuming. What really stands out to me in today's reading is the line: "By working on our own recovery, we find our own lives to important to waste time waiting for someone else's choices...even when it's someone I dearly love." I realize that I've been waiting for her to figure out her sobriety for nearly the entire eleven years of our relationship. There are things I want in life that I've put on hold waiting for her to sort herself out, and I'm feeling my inner voice saying that I am done waiting and wasting time. I need to allow myself to move forward with my life whether she is sober or not, and even though I love her dearly. I'm not sure what I want to do about this yet, but it is a new realization for me today.
What a perfectly timed reading I'm looking forward to my Thursday step meeting with my face-to-face group tonight. My neighbor mowed his yard, so that activity is on my docket for the next non-rainy day. (The length of my grass is more noticeable when his is short, and I don't want to receive a fine from the town.) Hoping for some nice (but not too hot) weather this weekend!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Thanks IAH and for all the shares. This is a great reading and all the replies helped me look at me. I am reminded that I used to be miserable all the time because my A was miserable. Now I may be disappointed, but I do not have to be unhappy because she is. I have challenges everyday living with her, a dry drunk at this point. I have to let go of her getting alcohol treatment, because she isn't interested and/or is in denial about her having a problem. She believes because she is not drinking (I think but not 100% sure) that she is "over" it. Hah, not so by a long shot but I will save my breath and focus on me. Lyne
Thank you, IAH for the daily. Thanks to all above you have shared your version of this wisdom.
I have always thought that my qualifier's drinking/drugging were reflections on me. Even when I began Al-Anon the first time, and I began to know better, I still carried that thought deep in my soul. Being out of the madness makes it easier for me to understand that what they do has nothing to do with me... even if they repeatedly tell you it does... even if family members (his) make side-comments that I should 'have more control over him.' The Three C's was a huge slogan for me. Still is!
IAH, enjoy the golf and softball... sounds like a fun day!
Everyone else, do one small thing to make you (or another) smile today. Doesn't matter what it is. Example: I gave my friend a vase of flowers... with a thank you note for being a rock for me over these past months! She loved it, and it made me feel great!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you IAH for your service. This reading was right on time. I asked AH a question today and he straight up lied. When I asked him why he was dishonest, he said his behavior is a "reflection" of me. For many years when my A blamed me for his actions, I believed him. Deep down, I still struggle with feeling responsible.
The truth as the reading states, my A's behavior is not a reflection of me. It is a reflection of the disease. My behavior is a reflection of me.
One thing I love about Al Anon are the simple truths that become evident. As it's said "we hold these truths to be self evident." Well, truths should be self evident! But sometimes we are so lost in denial, confusion and fear that we fail to see them. Al Anon works by pointing me back to simple Truths. Like the 3 C's.
Speaking of truth, I'll be honest: accepting that my behavior is a reflection of me is a little scary!!! That's because some of my behaviors have been scary! But accepting my behaviors as my own is good. It allows me to take control of my behavior and grow, with the help of my HP. Life isn't just chaotic events happening to me, out of control. I can shape my day, I always have choices. Growing into this awareness is a big weight off my shoulders.
Thank you all for the helpful ESH. Hope you have a blessed night.
Great shares all - I am so glad to be home from my activities....it was a super hot day!
I am reminded of the three A(s) we talk about in recovery - Awareness, Acceptance & Action. Until I became aware that some of my behaviors were a bit 'extreme' or 'insane', it was difficult to consider changing them. Also, for me, each step forward I make, I am presented with more awareness and opportunities to grow, change and heal.
Today was a better day for my friend which I'm truly grateful for. Miracles happen all day, every day - all around me....when I am open and ready, I am amazed!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I'm looking forward to my Thursday step meeting with my face-to-face group tonight. My neighbor mowed his yard, so that activity is on my docket for the next non-rainy day. (The length of my grass is more noticeable when his is short, and I don't want to receive a fine from the town.) Hoping for some nice (but not too hot) weather this weekend!