The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new here, and I wondered if I could have a bit of advice?
My boyfreind of three years has been on a two day drinking binge.
When he goes out to drink, he never answers any texts or calls and says I am bothering him. However he calls me at 2am very drunk and checks up on me!
When I said: please dont go out and then check up on me! I got treated like a piece of garbage and he broke up with me!!!
So then he went out and drank all the next day and was a total mean spirited person to me.
He says I complain when he goes out with his friends and that I need to get over it if I want to be in his life?????
Wow, first of all I dont complain,(he goes out without me all the time) I just dont like it when he blows me off when I call. (I didnt know he was drinking at 12noon when I first called)
Well that is kinda a lie, cuz I can feel it in my gut and in my heart.
Well now we are broken up, and I cant figure what I did so wrong.
He claimed he wasnt checking up on me he was just bored, how could he know he doesnt even remember calling!!!
In alanon we learn to think of our own life. How we want to live, what makes us happy. All the while letting go of anything the A does or says, especially when he/she is using.
Believe me, you have done nothing wrong. I remember my A telling me I was crazy. I called my counselor and was so upset. Was I really crazy?? He told me,no way are you crazy, the A wants you miserable so he can control you.
What makes you allow him to treat you like he does? If a friends boyfriend, treated her like you are treated, how would it make you feel?
When someone has a drinking problem, or is A, their first love, their first thought when the open their eyes in the morn, is drugs. That being alcohol, heroin, coke, meth whatever. When they are using, they are basically brain damaged. I don't care what an active A says. It is the aism talking anyway, not the man you love.
Please believe me, you sound very bright and by coming here, you are courageous. If I were you, I would ignore the A's bs and think about me. Pamper you, think about what/who you want in YOUR life.
Do you want to be with a man who seems to care about the "guys and being out" more than he does you? Do you want a partner who wants you in their life, and who is happy when you call them?
I am glad you are here. I hope you keep coming back. There is so much to learn here that will make your life so much better. love,debilyn
Hello Sawny , if you wish to continue in this relationship iwould suggest u get to a al anon meeting quick. Living with someone who drinks too much is very confusing at the best of times. Alcoholics give mixed messages all the time , come here = go away kind of relationship (does that sound familiar) you never know where your at. You haven't done anything wrong except to interupt a good drunk. Your not the reason he drinks , regardless of what he says he drinks because he has a problem . period.
Nothing u say or do will make him drink or stop were simply not that powerful. Please give al anon a try for a few months so that u can learn a little about this disease and know exactly what your dealing with . I t is possible to have a relationship with someone who drinks too much and al anon will show u how to do that. At the very least after a few months in this program u can make a informed decission as to wether u wish to continue or end it.
(imo) He blows you off because the booze is more important at that time. When you are drinking like and "A" does and having fun, the last thing you want to do is stop to talk on the phone. Or stop to do anything like eat, sleep, exercise.....
On other hand, after bingeing and you are bored, you do what is called "Drunk Dialing" and no you usually do not remember it or at least all of it.
My active 'A'BF last Wed. body slammed me while I was half asleep, put his fists on my cheekbones and pressed my head into the couch (even tho he knows that a previous 'A' broke my jaw and it's fragile), drew back to punch but hit the couch next to my head instead, and when I tried to leave with my dog followed me and repeatedly shoved me till I went back home. Then he walked into the concrete staircase and cut his nose, head, chin. I told him he should clean his face. He went and "shaved" his face, thinking that was what I meant by "clean" his face. I'm telling you this because guess what. He doesn't remember a single bit of it!!
I've been in this 'A'BF situation before. More than once. And I hate to say but it doesn't get any better.
To borrow a phrase from someone here (sorry don't remember the name). You can't heal an unstable man with affection. (or love, patience, kindness.....) In () I added.
And as someone else said, it is NOT you who makes him drink. Only himself. Note my name: Been on Both Sides. I am speaking with experience as a previous 'A'. ( Now working on recovery.)
Good luck and remember YOU did NOTHING wrong. It's just that in dealing with an 'A', you just can't do anything right. (in THEIR eyes only!!!) Take care and keep coming back.
P.S. I'm new here too. About a month. And my first posting a reply anywhere. You must be pretty special if you were able to bring me out of my reclusive fear of giving my opinion posting. Find someone who will appreciate you and will answer their darn phone !!
-- Edited by been on both sides at 04:14, 2006-04-04
Count yourself lucky that you are able to recognize that the problem with your relationship is the alcohol. You cannot fix him or change him regardless of how much you may wish to. Do you really want to prolong a relationship that is marked by such chaos?
I have been married to my A for almost 8 years. While dating I ignored obvious signs of his problem and kept telling myself "once problem X is resolved he won't drink to much anymore." Well, all this time later and nothing has changed and our relationship is in peril.
Alcohol is like a third person in your relationship and it will always be the most important to your A. Take care of yourself and do what is best for you.
Welcome to MIP, you are in a good place with good people that have or are going through a similar situation as you are. The best thing I can say about this program is that its teaching me how to deal with my issues and allow the alcoholic to deal with his problems without me interfering, rescuing, or enabling him. I have done that for four years, I've manipulated, controlled, bitched about the drinking, the money, the friends, how much time he spends drinking and with friends and all it ever did was cause fighting and chaos. I'm learning to have fun even if he doesn't want to go do something with us. If he'd prefer to be out with his friends drinking or staying at home nursing a hang over that's his choice. I'm no longer a slave to the alcohol and working really hard to respond to his actions, words, and choices instead of reacting to them. It's extremely hard, I'm a reactionary.
You sound like you have a good understanding about how his drinking makes you feel. I would ask myself what am I willing to put up with? How far am I willing to go with this person? You may not get the answers you want but you may find the answers you need to put some perspective on the situation. When someone's on a binge there is probably nothing anyone can do or say to drag them away from what they find the most pleasing thing in the world, a drink... Keep coming back and posting your experiences and thoughts. Do something good for you today.
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Keep comming back and listen and read our experiences in our journies through the Alanon process. Join us in chat by clicking the link in the left upper corner. We can talk opening, although it is our policy not to give advice, just honest sharing of our experiences that come from all back grounds.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
You reassured me all the things I already knew in my heart, and gave me the strenght tp walk away without being manipulated.
I will keep coming back.
This morning I told my A bf that I no longer wanted to be in a relationship with a man who cared more about substance abuse than he did his relationship or family.
Of course I got the standard "whatever" "I dont do that" bla bla bla
I also said : i am not asking you to change, I simply want to speak my peace and move on to a peaceful, drama free life, that even though we did not live together HIS drink binges caused greif in my home and that simply could not be allowed. See I cant control his drinking but I do have control of my own house hold that I worked so very hard to get.
See I barley got out alive from a husband who not only had a cocain and alcohol addiction but also had very severe case of narcissitic personality disorder!
Well, I did meet another addict! LOL but I must be getting better cuz this one only has one promblem insted of three.
just want to say if you decide to , and havnt done so, contact a local meeting place this website can assist you. also if you send a *private message (pm) to me, I will be happy to help you to locate one. I hope you will see what Alanon has to offer. Books are a very good way to start. Slogans, the Serenity Prayer. Books are available! here to amazon.((haha)) Alanon has been around for a long time! If you find you need some help with determining what books may be best for you to begin... etc...,just private message me. I will be happy to help get some reading material to you.
**** This is a very successful 12 step program full of wonderful loving and supportive members can't say that enough,hahah. You DO have the ability to learn about how to take care of yourself no matter the obstacles...To find peace in your life and to know there is a power greater than yourself (HP/God) to help guide you. You are not alone. Keep coming Back. (((BigHug SHAWNY))
You DO have the ability to learn about how to take care of yourself no matter the obstacles...To find peace
in your life and to know there is a power greater than yourself (HP/God) to help guide you. You are not alone. 
Keep coming Back. (((BigHug SHAWNY))