sakina wrote:

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It's hard not to take it personal. My AH said some things today that really hurt. The overall message was I'm the reason he uses, he would be clean except for me. I caused his relapse. He told his counselor and she agrees. And my program Al Anon/Nar Anon isn't working for me because AH doesn't see me changing.

These are my "Buttons". AH knows they hurt. He uses them when he doesn't get his way. For years I've been triggered by these same "Buttons." Like a well-worn script, he presses the buttons, 1, 2, 3, 4 and suddenly I'm raging and we're having a full blown fight. Wow, I'm glad I can now see how that works!!!

I'm thankful to have Al Anon in my life. I'm thankful to my HP. I am changing, slowly. I've been able to flip the script. AH pressed the buttons. 1,2,3,4. and while I did get hot in the face and I heard my tone get snappy..... I was able to stop myself before it got too crazy. Walk and exit stage right!!

Later I let the tears fall. For me a little cry is an okay release. Feel the feelings (they are natural), process them, and let them pass.

It's okay AH doesn't think I'm changing. His opinion of me is not my business! I know I'm changing, slowly but surely.

When I'm patient with my progress, it helps me be patient with AH. The past few days he increased his meetings and started outpatient. And I can see small changes in him. Even if he doesn't accept his changes, either. I guess like most A's, AH is hardest on himself.

I don't make excuses for AH but I'm able to accept now it isn't about ME. He behaves like this because he's an active A. He says irrational things to avoid responsibility for his choices. And he tries to avoid responsibility so he can continue drinking/use.

QTIP - Quit Taking it Personal. Let Go and Let God. These two slogans helped me today. Letting go is very hard, I'm working on it.

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First things first...you did not cause his relapse. If you tell me you tied him down and forced alcohol down his throat, or injected him with drugs, OK, I'll agree. But short of that, you did not. I am shocked that a professional would say such a thing. Perhaps it is out of context or something, but any professional knows better.

Second, your program working or not working has NOTHING to do with your AH seeing you change or not. That is not what alanon is about. We don't look for affirmation or approval from others, or check with others to see if they think we've changed, and if they do, we are a success, and if they don't, then we are a failure. That is simply inaccurate and incorrect.

He can't push your buttons if -- they weren't buttons, if you didn't let him, if they weren't exposed, if you focused on you and what you need to do to get better. That's our goal -- all of us -- for us to get better. Keep being thankful and keep working it. Find a sponsor and get a new perspective on your thinking. You did a great job being aware and not slipping. You were able to stop before it got worse! That's great.

Keep doing what you are doing...progress, not perfection. Little by slowly.

(((sakina))) - it took me a long while to realize that words are ... just that - words. Yes, when others are throwing blame/shame my way, it hurts, especially when it's someone who's supposed to be on my side! Yet, the way you processed does show me the program is working and you are working it!!!

Like feelings, they are here, present, not always pleasant yet the good news I learned in recovery - they do not define me. Like feelings, they are not facts. They are simply words - and what you shared is so true - what another thinks of me is not my business.

We had multiple counselors over the years and those who did not understand addiction/alcoholism were not helpful. It's also not helpful when counseling is 'forced' and it was painful as all get out when my guys had absolutely no interest in being there....It was a waste of time and not helpful as they were not willing or ready to be honest and to work together for improvement.

I did carry a Q-Tip in my pocket for a long while to help remind me to Quit Taking It Personally. Al-Anon gave me a variety of tools to use and to learn how to respond vs. react...my best response in the beginning was no response - when mine learned that my buttons were 'uninstalled', they were baffled but over time, the dance stopped...

I 'hear' you working on you and working on recovery. What we feel about ourselves and our days matters way more than what others observe/say - and it took me a while to realize that. My alcoholics did NOT like me changing at all at first as I became way less predictable. Over time, they began to see it was a good thing and we're all in a better place than we used to be. My best suggestion - just keep doing you as best you can and keep leaning into Al-Anon....it's been a game changer for me!

I used to hear in meetings -- just because the alcoholic calls you a chair, that doesn't mean you're a chair...and the other one was...just because the alcoholic calls you a cow, that doesn't mean you are going to go outside and start eating grass...LOL.

Now, I get that words have meaning, they sometimes make a statement, and they hurt. Without question. I would never say "simply ignore the words" in perpetuity. Verbal harassment is still verbal harassment. We can't ignore words forever, because at a certain point, and in a certain context, they do have meaning...but not here, LOL.

They don't define you as a person...and words don't equate and doesn't mean right or wrong, or guilt or innocence. We don't learn co-dependency and outward thinking in, and that becomes our way of living. That is NOT alanon. Others, and their accusations don't define us and keep us down.

There are plenty of excellent therapists, counsellors, professionals -- and some are specialists. I can't say you and you spouse have a good one or bad one. No one here can. And I don't buy into the blanket statements about -- unless they specialize in addiction, they are useless, good for nothing, etc. Yes, a specialist certainly helps. Personally and professionally I believe in specialists. Absolutely. However, when someone isn't a specialist, that doesn't equate to incompetence -- although, as I said, I have never heard of a professional out and out saying -- he drinks because of you. Now, understand something else -- with rehab, counselling, IOP, any solution -- when the alcoholic does it for the WRONG reason(s), meaning they didn't truly want to, the chances of success plummet. Unfortunately, it's a reality no one wants to face.

That said, my response when I faced this -- and I faced it constantly -- was "I am sorry you feel that way." Period. No back and forth. I didn't engage. I was saying something to end a discussion or tirade. I have found if you ignore a confronting alcoholic, things can escalate. Ignoring can be insulting, offensive, childish, etc. -- but if you like, go right ahead. If the attack, discussion, words, tirate did not end -- then, I then spoke my boundary...."As I explained to you and expressed to you in the past, when ___________________ (fill in the blank), I was not comfortable engaging, I wasn't going to engage with you, get into a back and forth, I am not comfortable having a conversation with you." And then I was done. I walked away. I went into another room. I locked the door. I went for a walk if I had to. I left the house and went to Starbucks. I went to a movie. I just went. Because that was my boundary...and I was going to honor it!!! If I didn't...I would not get better. Period.

As this continued -- and I got better -- the dynamic changed. My experience was that -- for as long as my wife was still drinking -- she absolutely, without question, did NOT like me changing, getting better (she didn't think it was better, but I did), etc. She wanted me to stay the same and do what I always did -- be there for her, get into the back and forth, get into the arguments and fights, she wanted me to keep accepting blame, and so on. Me changing, me getting better was a massive threat to her status quo! If she had her choice, she would have wanted me to remain exactly the same...because then it would be easier for her to do exactly what she was doing (drinking and everything that resulted from it) and do so without any consequences. Get it? So ironic and thought-provoking.

Keep going to meetings, talk to your sponsor and keep learning. You are doing it and doing it well. Keep on doing it. It works if you work it, so work it, you are worth it.

Thank you all for listening, being here and for the ESH! "It works if you work it..." at first I wondered what this meant and why others kept saying this! Lol. I understand now. Today I will keep working it because I am worth it! I hope you all have a wonderful day. 

I doubt his counselor actually agreed with your AH (think about it.....he grouses to her and says you are the reason for all his problems etc etc, and then she....she agrees? Ummm, doubt it!)

Hi Sakina,

Yep, way to work it! I like the way you are working QTIP. I like the way you are leaving his behavior with him. It's totally about him and not you. I heard a lot of compassion for the alcoholic in your share. You care about what he's going through and know that he's struggling. That has to help a lot with not taking mean words personally. He's very lucky to have someone like you in his life. Alanon teaches us that the most loving support we can give to another is to continue to work our program and leave others to work themselves out. You're putting loving detachment into action and taking care of yourself. 

It could be possible that he is jealous of how you are working your program and your serenity. If he is ill at ease and you aren't, he may want to instigate. But if that is so, you don't have to show up to every fight you're invited to. You are choosing not to engage and to keep your serenity and that's great! TT

Thank you all for your encouragement and shares. As far as the counselor... I heard it from my AH. Not the most reliable source! I'm sure my AH is hearing what he wants to. I've accepted most of what he tells me (second hand) is really his own voice.

Bo - "... just because the alcoholic calls you a chair, that doesn't mean you're a chair...and the other one was...just because the alcoholic calls you a cow, that doesn't mean you are going to go outside and start eating grass." Lol, very true! This is a good thing to call to mind if the A (or others) start labeling!!  

Hope you all are having a great Monday.

-- Edited by sakina on Monday 2nd of July 2018 02:11:54 PM