The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The C2C reading June 16 speaks about the Al-Anon principle of allowing others to experience the consequences of their actions, We know the alcoholic needs to hit bottom and become uncomfortable with the old behavior as they can do something about it . We therefore need to learn to detach with love another reason for detach with love is equally important building healthy loving relationships. Many of us interfere with our loved ones problems and accomplishments we tend to take over other people's responsibilities so that the chance to accomplish something alone to feel good about what they have done is removed., The quote is very powerful and is from Al-Anon faces of; "detachment did not mean disinterest detaching considers respect for another person's person hood"
Thank you LU for your service and the daily. Before Al-Anon, I really, really thought I could influence a change in my A(s) and keep them from consequences. Of course, I drove myself half mad trying to do so and know now that the best form of love I can show anyone else is to allow them the freedom to be who they need to be to learn life lessons their way and not mine.
I am far from perfect with detachment, but way better than before. Practice, practice, practice - works well for me on this path of progress. Make today a great day - hot, hot, hot here - heading out to a meeting shortly! (((Hugs))) to all!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you LU for this reminder I know prior to program I always attempted to "help" others without understanding that I was interfering with their growth and accomplishments. Working the step helped me to see my actions clearly and learn to detach with love.
Thanks for your service
LU, thank you for posting on this important topic. I know for me, detaching with love and respect was extremely difficult. I am still not perfect at it. Detachment can feel like doing nothing, which leaves a void for anxiety to creep in. Someone here on MIP wrote recently that "doing nothing is not for sissies" ... and I believe that! Doing nothing is a lot of work... but I found it really helps fill that void if I instead take actions for my own well-being. I had to start by loving myself as fiercely as I wanted to love someone else.
Thank you, LU for your service and the daily. Such a good one today!!
I loved everyone's shares on this topic. So good y'all!!
When I first came to Al-Anon and learned about detachment, it was a hard one for me to embrace. In fact, I think I was better at it with my KID than with my spouse. Then as I worked that idea...
This was huge for me: "we tend to take over other people's responsibilities so that the chance to accomplish something alone to feel good about what they have done"
I was able to see how my "managing of my child" was keeping him from growing into a fully capable adult. So I began the process of pulling away my "help" at the tender age of 11. I believe boys mature more slowly than girls, so this was an ongoing process, with 1 step forward and two steps back. Some years I had to monitor (but not do for) more than others - the start of 6th grade, the beginning of freshman year at high school etc. But by Kid's senior year, I had successfully detached enough that I was able to answer "I can help, but I think you should try figuring it out for yourself first, and if you can't, don't hesitate to let me know... that's better than just thinking it will go away... b/c it won't." And I only looked at the grading website 1X this year!! That was such a HUGE step for me!!
As for my qualifier, THAT was a whole different story. Detachment helped me to live WITHIN the disease for many years. It also contributed to my denial of the severity of his relapse IMHO. It ended up not being enough for me long term. Now that I can look back with some clarity, it was probably because I always had some sort of expectation. But in all honesty, I am not sure how one navigates a marriage with zero expectations. There are just some things you think a life-partner should just take care of... or be capable of (like emotional support, dependability, honesty). That, coupled with learning I could not handle living with the thought of the possibility of multiple relapses, are MY faults. I decided to accept those and move on with my life without my spouse.
But currently, I use detachment almost on a daily basis! With my Kid, interactions with my STBXRAH, at work, volunteering with Kid's band... you name it, it can help you deal!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
