So your question is "Am I crazy"...in my experience, having gone through very similar things...NO...you are not crazy at all...your thinking, concerns, and feelings are absolutely normal in my experience and opinion.

J,

Big hugs .. that kind of betrayal hurts big time.

I remember when my XAH started doing this behavior and I questioned it. I started to feel like I was reading more into than I was and so on.

One thing that the program here has given me if it walks like a duck .. talks like a duck .. you are probably dealing with a duck. IF you have open communication which I did not with my X because of the addiction and there were other issues happening I really encourage you to talk to him however this is a situation where you have to decide what is and is not ok for you. With my X it wasn't the drinking that made me leave it was the cheating and all that went with it. I do not believe anyone has the right to put my sexual health at risk and it happens far to often that there are STD's brought back home to the non cheating spouse.

The other thing this program has given me is the ability to trust I will know when I need to know and to stop creating my own pain by snooping .. here's the issue with snooping .. now you know or you think you do .. you are going to have a conversation with your spouse about it or have and now what .. I feel like I was put in a position of having to make a decision with the current information because now what .. allow the cheating to go on in terms of no trust. When I decided to leave it was literally all left up on the computer and it still hurt and I felt stupid and so on .. however I was better able to know what I wanted and what I didn't although I was a hot mess for a while after that. Looking back now .. any sooner and I wouldn't have been ready and when I found out I didn't "feel" ready .. really I was.

Only you can decide what you want and you are not going to stop him from cheating .. that's that whole I am powerless over others .. not helpless .. I always have my own choices I can make .. the cheating was not about me .. it was about him and what he was going through. I know couples who have survived these kinds of transgressions .. I had so much water under the proverbial bridge I was very honestly done and I wasn't willing to risk something that couldn't be cured with antibiotics when I had children to continue to raise and he was not giving up his bachelor married lifestyle.

This would be a big breech of trust for me to find something like that on my partners phone and I would really be in a position of this is so not ok .. that's because of my circumstances of life lessons and where I am today .. you may have a different journey.

I do encourage you to listen to what your spouse is saying and believe him based upon what he's telling you now .. "he's tired of me" that's a big clue of being emotionally checked out of a relationship and I don't know how to get that part back .. I do know my XAH told me over and over things I should have listened to and I did a big disservice to us both by not paying attention.

Big hugs, S :)

((hugs)) I have been there, too. I've decided to trust my gut because while it may feel momentarily satisfactory to find "evidence" (I'm not crazy after all) it's also incredibly draining to snoop around after AH wondering about his phone, email, whereabouts. I can't control his choices. But in every situation I have a choice, too. I can make a decision what I will or won't accept. What I will or won't live with.
I've also realized that MY choices can be made in my own time, in my own way. I don't have to make a Big Decision today, right now.
In the meantime, no matter what, I try my best to take care of myself. To eat well, sleep well, use tools to de-stress, and enjoy one small thing each day just for me. Often this is harder than it sounds but I'm getting the hang of it, slowly, a little at a time.

-- Edited by sakina on Friday 15th of June 2018 01:42:46 PM

(((Jlsdoll)) you are not crazy . I do hear your pain and am so very sorry that you are enduring this without proper support I urge you to search out alanon face to face metings in your community and attend Here you will find the support of like mineed members and be given new tools to live by and new literature to reaffirm your principles.

YOUâRE NOT CRAZY!!! Heâs up to no good or about to be. Those are all huge warning signs especially this âfriendâ who he didnât tell he was married and put her into his phone under a guys name. That shows his intent to deceive you. If they were really âjust friendsâ he would have told her he was married and put her in his phone under her real name and maybe even hung out with you and her together. I just caught my husband cheating last year so this is all really fresh to me. He always told me I was crazy with jealousy, he wasnât doing anything wrong until the day I busted him at her house. Even then he continued to try to lie to me for another month about it!! But I was done believing him. But what it boils down to is I knew he was cheating, my gut instinct was RIGHT. I was NOT CRAZY and Iâm willing to bet neither are you. The hard part comes next. What do you do for you? What is the next right step for you? No one but you can decide that. And you donât have to decide it all in one day. Take what time you need to think and process emotions. Keep coming back. (((Hugs)))

Jlsdoll85 wrote:

---

I just need some guidance and advice, maybe a little confirmation that Im not completely crazy. My husband of 13 years, has been being more distant the past month or so. He hangs around a group of guys who are 10 years younger than him(theyre in their 20s) and I barely spend any time with him any more, which in itself suspicious because we were best friends for all these years. Things just changed the past couple of months. He also admitted that he had a friend  hes been texting for about 2 weeks. I contacted her and she told me that they were just friends but that he never told her that he was married, and that he made it seem like he was a single dad. I found the texts in his phone and there isnt anything very bad in them, just him being very nice to her and he had her in his phone under a guys name. Also, I found texts to one of his friends talking bout girls around them(a restaurant) that he wanted to sleep with, it sounded kind of like he was joking and it didnt say that he has slept with anyone, it was just very crude and hurtful to me. Im embarrassed and heart broken. When I try to talk to him, he gets angry and says hes not doing anything wrong and he doesnt want to talk about it. Ive never searched through his phone all these years until now btw. Ive trusted him with my whole heart all these years and the person hes become is like a stranger to me. When he mentioned the girl last week and told me that he was tired of me, thats when I checked his phone and I know it wasnt right but something just felt off

---

 

Let's just look at the facts here -- no opinion, no excuses, no stories, etc.

1) He has a "friend" -- of the opposite sex

2) He never told her that he was married

3) He made it seem like he was a single dad

4) He had her listed in his phone under a completely different, guy's/male, name

5) He discusses with his friends women/girls that he wants/wanted to sleep with (even if somewhat jokingly)

I'll end there. 

And...your question is...are you crazy? NO!!! How about this...are you the crazy one? NO!!! He is!!! 

If you were my daughter...I'd have a very serious discussion with him...and believe me, he would never forget it...and I'd be telling you to pack your bags and leave. In part, because...Nothing changes if nothing changes.

I wish you all the best.