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I am finding that other people's illnesses are getting to me and I'm trying to control. My AH had a drunken episode this weekend that sent me reeling. His drinking has been bad and the more he drinks the more I focus on him until I lose sight of my own life. I shared about this at my meeting and got some great support around it so that felt really good. My mom is also having health issues and doing things that severely put her health at risk. My first reaction was to treat her like a child and control her. After witnessing her doing something extremely unsafe for herself I am ashamed to admit that I reacted by treating her like a child. I ended up calling her on my way to work to apologize for my behaviour and handing her back control of her life. She told me it was helpful to have the reminder and she's glad I am worried about her and she doesn't mind. I told her I can't do that for my own wellbeing. She's an adult and capable of taking care of herself and I will no longer try to control what she does. She knows what is best for her. I hope that she makes good choices but there isn't much I can do. I am trying to detach from both my mom and my AH and it's really difficult because I'm scared. I'm scared for the people I love and their health. I'm scared my marriage won't survive my AHs drinking. I'm scared my mom will die. I'm scared if my AH and I did separate that I would be leaving my daughter to deal with him when he's drinking on her own. I'm just really scared and sad. And that's why I can't project too much. I need to take it one day at a time.
I'm noticing signs in me too. I feel irritated at the slightest thing my AH does. I feel overwhelmed by what everyone (except my daughter) wants or demands of me right now and this is a very obvious sign that my life has become unmanageable. I wrote in my journal about this stuff and I wrote in great big letters I NEED SPACE. So that is what I am getting. Thankfully my AH is going away on business this week. I will even have one night completely to myself as my daughter is going to a sleepover. I am going to use this time to figure out how to detach from people and take care of myself. Being alone is something I have hated in the past. I'm learning to enjoy it more and more. I hope this week is good for me and I get some perspective with the space I am taking. Thanks for listening (reading)
KT .. I find when I have a LOT less patience with people my cycle is starting and I am of age that menopause the dreaded "M" word is floating around. I am 100x more sensitive about everything and I can't stand it because normally I am a rationally balanced person however in those moments someone could say the word "red" to me and it would set me off. I don't like feeling out of control of myself in that way. I am glad to hear that you are putting yourself first and doing for you so that you feel more balanced .. those are the things that help me the most.
Quiet time for me during this time is big and minimizing my peopleing helps a great deal too.
Big hugs .. this too shall pass .. at least I know I have a break. Being aware that I need these things to feel sane is HUGE.
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I am feeling the same way and was going to write a similar post today. It is great to go to meetings and come on here and see other stories, but it takes a lot of practice to do it on a daily basis. I am so agitated with my AH. I really don't even feel like I like him right now. It feels like the A has a different set of rules that they only follow and the hell with anyone else's wants or needs. I know we are in control of us and they are in control of them, but really never have to say "I am sorry" because I am a A or I am working on me right now so this is what it is. I call BS! I don't deserve to be treated like a doormat and I too deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I wish my AH could go away for the weekend and give me some space. I hope you enjoy your time.
(((KT))) - I hear you and can relate. I have a variety of 'other's illnesses' that are interrupting my peace/joy/serenity too currently and all that I truly know to do is return to Step 1 and remember how powerless I truly am. My mother is sick in another state, my friend with cancer has had 2 surgeries within one week and is planning to die and both my son's are a bit off the rails at the moment. Add to this that I am having some stomach issues, tweaked my back a couple weeks ago and got nailed by a line drive last week at softball and I feel almost beyond capacity - like I know what that should be....(insert eye-roll here)
I'm super sad and I too am fearful. I'm in contact with program people and am increasing my meetings and it's helping yet the fear returns. The good news - I do know that this too shall pass. It's not the first time I've been overwhelmed by life/other's and so if I can just keep practicing staying in today and trusting the program and my HP, I will be OK and he will do his miracles as he always does.
There are many moments when I am so grateful that the members who were here when I arrived were graceful and reminded me to just breathe! I tend to forget that I (and you and all) are worthy of miracles and grace when 'life' is happening. Breathing and considering the many tool we have available help me to know I am not alone. Right now today, I am not grateful for the pain. Yet, my experience has been that each of these painful moments does present much learning for me about self, recovery, compassion, etc. - there is a lesson that I'm not yet aware of.
Hang in there and know that you're not alone!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great share and awareness and real letting go of people. I also have fear. I'm scà red for people and the choices they make and death comes into it to for me. I find the relief I get is through God. Can't believe I'm saying that I've been agnostic all my adult life really but there it is. I write letters to God in a journal and I lay out my fears and I get the reply in my writing and it's the letting go and letting God over and over. Taking each fear and applying rational thought to each and every one relieved the pain of life as it is. Death is inevitable for everyone and can be a relief. Marriages break up and it's often to open new chapters and possibilities. Having a higher power kind of keeps telling me that life flows and it's my perception that's the problem and never usually people or even situations. It's not easy to accept drinking in others. It's got to be one of the hardest paths to walk. I'm trying hard to trust in consequences as they seem to be where the growth is.x
Yep I Can Relate as well, Some times for me its Hormones, Other times its Life in General... This Disease is Life Sucking if we allow it for Sure, in moments like this I Do have to Step up my Program, I Have to Attend More Meetings, Read More of My Al-Anon Books, Start At STEP ONE, and Call my Program Friends to Release some of what is in my Head, and Whirling... And Yes, Reminding myself to Breathe... Deep Breathes Nice and Slow... Just till I Can Find my Feet again...
And Good for you For Seeing your Wrong So Quickly when you tried to Control Mom... For Me this Stuff Came Slowly... But your Recovery, and Your Quickness to make an Amends was Amazing, and I'm Sure Mom was Grateful you Addressed it, and Allowed her to see Just how much you Love & Respect her... Great Recovery Work :)
Other people's illnesses affect me on a daily basis. I am using my tools the best I can to keep my head over my feet, take ODAT, let go and let God, and use the 3 C's and Serenity Prayer. It's a challenge every day of my life. Grateful member of alanon, Lyne
It feels like the A has a different set of rules that they only follow and the hell with anyone else's wants or needs. I know we are in control of us and they are in control of them, but really never have to say "I am sorry" because I am a A or I am working on me right now so this is what it is. I call BS! I don't deserve to be treated like a doormat and I too deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. I wish my AH could go away for the weekend and give me some space. I hope you enjoy your time. 