The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's Courage shares one member's take that "an expectation is a premeditated resentment", and therefore, a felt resentment has expectation as a likely source.
In a situation where a pattern of behavior in another is known, say habitual tardiness, resentment may be avoided by scheduling a meetup with that person in such a way that punctuality is not required.
Reminder: I have the right to choose my standards, but not the right or power to impose those upon others.
"I have accepted myself and I'm beginning to accept other people the way they are each day. Now I have fewer resentments." - Living with Sobriety ************************
This is such a powerful reading in my recovery as it hits right at the center of the struggle that brought me to AlAnon and is still my biggest challenge: my efforts to control that which I cannot, nor should not.
So many things would be much easier if others would do it the way I think it should be done, so says the thinking that brought me to the doors of AlAnon exhausted and defeated...when I am feeling anger and resentment, the culprit is typically wearing my shoes.
There truly is a better way, AlAnon is what guided me to it and provides the reminders that help guide me back when I stray. I am very grateful for the wisdom of the program
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Great topic Paul i know that prior to program I measured EVERYONE by my standards and, if hey were different. i found them LACKING. Program taught me about" expectations" as well as" judging " and" comparing" and i finally learned that everyone is different and I can have my principles and live up to them without imposing them on others. Allowing someone I love to be who they are, without imposing my standards is a true gift.
This new attitude provided ms with great serenity and I know that I achieved it by using the tools of AWARENESS AND Acceptance one day at a time. Thank you alanon and Thank you Paul for your service
Thank you Paul! This is so needed today. Yesterday I felt the shoes on my feet and blisters were forming! It was one of those intense days that make you just drained when all around me had some really major issues. They all happened on the same day......In an hours long text with just one in crisis, I kept using the slogans and pausing. Many of the pauses happened AFTER I got sucked in. I realized, hey I'm feeling exhausted and this is the first HUGE RED STOP SIGN for myself. All other responses were back to the program and I wish I had caught myself just a bit sooner......it can be scary seeing the trainwreck coming and not be able to say or do a thing about it. You cannot make someone see their motives may not be right, people are going to get hurt and on and on........
You posted: Reminder: I have the right to choose my standards, but not the right or power to impose those upon others.
I'm so grateful for this program. I had a slip and caught it but........not before it wiped me out.
I can relate to what Tude shared......I had a moment like that yesterday, as well. I still often get let down by my own expectations and I don't communicate my responses very well because I'm usually emotional and will JADE in some way or another. I usually catch myself afterwards and do my best to make a mental note to use program in advance so that I can let go and let God.
And, what I've learned from being around other humans is that for eery person that I feel is lacking something, they could very well be pointing a finger at me and telling me what I, myself, am lacking in their eyes as well.
thank you, paul, for sharing today's reading. I often head out the door to work and don't give program a thought. I'm so glad I came on the board this AM.
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thank you, Paul for your service today! I try and read the C2C every morning, as it does ground me for the day.
Today's share was especially good for me.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for this reading and everyoneâs shares. Just what I need to read today. I expect everything in my familyâs life to go a certain way and Iâm always met with resistance and then my own resentment which leads me to dig in more to try to regain control. It can be such a vicious cycle which leaves me full of anxiety and anger. It is so freeeing to release the control (that I never had) and not be constantly disappointed and then harbor resentment.
Thanks for your service, Paul, and the ESH above. I especially like the reminder: I have the right to choose my standards, but not the right or power to impose those upon others. I hope everyone enjoys the weekend!
So true Betty: the judging and comparing was a definite part of how I lived, usually finding the deficit to be in others, not me. Really like what you said, "Allowing someone I love to be who they are, without imposing my standards is a true gift". That concept is a gift of the program that I continue working hard to absorb...
Tude, I too find that fear is often behind my control tendencies. Regardless the underlier, the results are always the same: loss of serenity...glad the program is patient with us and let's us keep coming back to make progress, not perfection
Thank you for your share, Andromeda, it made me think that we are all individuals with the same value on our balance sheets, but each with different values for our Assets, Liabilities and Equity (oh no, accounting...run!). We have different distributions but are equal, it is not for me to determine the min/max on anyone's sheet but mine. If I got an alanon tat, it should be today's reminder, haha...
Love the pic P&P, you and Aline definitely have the wildlife covered
Welcome Holly, you are definitely not alone. I will say that before I found AlAnon, I didn't know there was a different way to live. It's hard breaking old habbits and tendencies, but like you said, the reward is well worth it...glad you're here!
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Paul for the pitch-hitting again today, the daily, your service and your share! Thanks to all for the shares and ESH above me! I believe I am finally out from my over-commitment ... time will tell - my mother in AZ is sick again/still so I may be traveling again - who knows!
I too live in a consistent state of competing, comparing and concluding before I arrived here. My expectations of others and self were very high and I was frustrated with people, places and things for the better part of the waking hours of all my days. It was exhausting - completely.
I too have found a better way through Al-Anon and am very grateful. Reaching for perfection is just so not good for me as it tends to bring 'back' that thinking pattern I've worked to leave in the past. I do the best I can no matter what it is and try to leave the results to my HP. This approach just helps me keep things simple and brings about much more calm.
Softball last night was eventful. We were on a satellite field - away from concessions, staff, etc. We had a broken leg in the first game and could not get the staff on the phone to bring the cart for transport as well as ice for the injured. In game 2, we had another outfield incident with a shoulder separation and the same challenge. So - the first night of summer ball, and we lost 2 excellent players for probably the entire session....Grateful that things weren't worse - this was bad enough.
We won both games in spite of being short 3 players - the two injured and another who transported to local hospital. This has been a week of highs/lows and I'm glad to be arriving at the weekend. Next week is busy also - my friend with cancer is having extensive surgery and an unknown prognosis/treatment - it will depend on what they find. They know it's returned yet can't tell how extensive because of location.
So - good to 'see' everyone and I truly am grateful for all at MIP who contribute ESH and help me each and every day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
