The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The ExABF is sleeping on my couch atm because his treatment is down here. He's been clean for a week now but keeps pushing and pushing back at work which is his trigger. It's stressful as I can't move on while he's there. His treatment is important which is why he's here.
My uncle is dying. My parents are off to see him for a couple of days so I'm off to dogsit for them meaning I have to trust the ex with my dog as the dogs don't get on.
Heavy rain has made my roof leak and my electric lights have all shorted out. I"m waiting for the electrician so can't go to my parents until he gets here. I have lamps but no overhead lights. The building owner can't get anyone out until July to look at the roof. I have to pay for an electrician to reattach my lights once it's all dried out.
And then there's work. I'm off this week but still have work to do. Last week I was told by 3 kids that I was really negative and that I put a lot of stress on them. I cried in front of a kid who said it. If she had ANY idea what I go through and have been through... but it's not for them to know.
I'm doing my readings. I can't make my meeting this week as I won't be in the right area (and I won't have a car to escape my parents' village). I won't even have internet at my parents - I'll have to use all my phone data and hotspot to carry on with my work.
So when the lights went today I lost it. I shouted at my dog (who didn't deserve it) and I broke down.
I'm trying so hard to keep things together right now. It's so tiring.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
I hear you. Not easy. So here's the obvious question...not your circus, not your monkeys...why does the EX abf HAVE TO stay with you? Not the logistics or reasons, but that's at least one thing that you can control -- your space, your distance, your environment, your serenity, your peace, etc. Forget about what he says, why he says, his friends, his family, and so on. This is about YOU. If it is not healthy for you -- then it is not healthy for you. His recovery is his. Not yours. His day to day, work, pushing back, treatment, all of that...is his. Not yours.
The other stuff -- that's you. One task, one item, one thing at a time. One day at a time. Acceptance, surrender, letting go.
What options do you have regarding the EX abf? Look for them. Leave no stone unturned. All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((MizzB))) - it does sound like a lot going on all at once. My best suggestion is just to breathe, breathe and breathe some more...One moment at a time, one day at a time, just do the next right thing. Sending tons of positive thoughts and prayers your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs to you MizzB-Wow that's a lot to cope with. Use your tools to get yourself through this. One foot in front of the other. When you are going through hell, keep going. This too shall pass, Lyne
I remember when I was faced with a similar situation, thinking, etc. -- and I said to my sponsor, I'm about to break, this is just too much, etc. I ended up finishing what I was saying with, "This is just so tiring, I'm so tired."
My sponsor and I ended up having an hour discussion. The first thing he brought up was self-care, be good to yourself, HALT, etc. He said, if you are really tired, mentally or physically, you have to address that. If it's physical, your body sends you a message, and in the end, you sleep. Simple. But, if it's emotional, our brain doesn't do the same thing. WE HAVE TO!!! It is up to you (my sponsor said). So, what can your brain sleep on, what can your brain, your emotions get rid of. What is NOT your business. Get the point!?!?!? I looked at what I could really let go of, what was not my business. For me, it was my GF's drug addict son, living in my condo, because he had a restraining order against him and could not even go home to take a shower. All that stress, nonsense, drama, chaos, turmoil, was not only in my condo...it was on my mind!!! I had a hundred excuses as to why he had to be there...but...the real truth? We know it. Co-dependency, not wanting to say no, trying to be a good person, me not minding my own business, me wanting to help, fix, worried he would have no place to go, and so on and so on and so on and so on. ALL OF THIS was my denial and excuse to do what I did. His not being home, being in a nearby place (for treatment, meetings, probation, etc.) was important. For me, denial and BS!!! Hindsight is 20/20 of course. But, when you are in it -- when I am in it -- I am not thinking healthy, clearly, and I don't even know it. Thank God for recovery!!!
Second, my sponsor made me look, with tremendous focus and clarity -- what is really my business, and what is not. I could focus on sadness, mourning (a childhood friend of almost 50 years, my best friend, died), but my program allows me to not let those things consume me. My AC went, in the peak of the summer. My ex took me back to court. My office building had a fire. So many things...what could I do. One task. One item. One step. At a time. Little by slowly. I focused on the very next thing in front of me, no distractions, no deflections, no stories, and I moved ahead, little by slowly. One call. One discussion. One appointment. One check. One repair. Just one.
Third, my sponsor said -- let's take all of this, and focus on the following:
1) Acceptance
2) Surrender
3) Letting go
I had my AWARENESS. I got it. I had my ACCEPTANCE...I had to accept, how I felt, that I was sad, angry, whatever. I had to stop fighting it, but at the same time did not let it manifest and consume me. And, I had my ACTION...I was able to let it go.
For me, I get rid of what's not mine to start with.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I hope you are able to let go of feeling personally attacked .. sometimes it is my kids who are my best wake up call. Out of the mouths of babes sometimes is an opportunity for the best growth. My kids jumped me big time after we left the state my X is in and I was muttering about something .. between trying to find a place to live, a job, my car breaking down and after 2 weeks of being here having to get them enrolled into a brand new school .. it was a mess for the first year without question. I was horribly overwhelmed. I was muttering about their dad he picked that time not to pay me for 5 weeks .. asshat I sweat .. LOL .. and my youngest has zero filter and is soooo my child popped off with .. we are no longer living there .. let it go. The money still grates on me however it's getting better and I'm working on ways I don't need what he sends .. I will take it gladly .. LOL .. however I will be very glad when if it doesn't show I can pretty much say FU to my X. Those are the moments that are the most challenging for me.
When things settle a bit maybe taking a look at what you are presenting is the right way to go .. if your kids feel you are being negative .. focus on the positive .. yes .. there are times situations suck .. and don't suck in a small way .. suck in a HUGE way. I may not be able to change situations others or my situation directly .. I can change me .. I can focus on the positive .. I can use my asset lists .. I can practice self care and I can be gentle with myself. I can absolutely get over myself and get out of my own way .. I am my worst enemy when I allow my situation to overwhelm me even when it's logical that it should .. I would rather be my own best friend. It's hard in those moments to remember what I say to others applies to me as well.
Keep coming back .. this too shall pass ... it's a moment not a lifetime. My coworker who has been struggling and boy there was a HUGE blow up not between us .. LOL .. I printed her out the part of the book mark Just for Today .. which is just for today I will try to live through this day only and not to tackle all of my problems at once. I can do something for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime. I put it on her computer though with a note that this is up to her and her choices .. she can be miserable for the next 10 months or she can choose to make the best of the situation .. she's getting ready to live her dream and I am so envious of that .. may I have her spunk. :)
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Well, the ex couldnt be trusted to even allow me a day of freedom to support my parents. He drank, lost his keys so i had to come back and look after my dog. While also having my parents dog with em. Now i live in a one bed flat and my dog doesnt get on with other dogs. So i shut the parents dog in the bedroom. Somehow he managed to get himself locked in. And obviously he cant unlock it. So i had to break the door down....
I choose to laugh. Maybe slightly hysterically but this is funny- who else has a dog lock itself in a bedroom! And now im stuck in the bedroom with a farting snoring boxer while my little Mabel is highly put out even though she doesnt like being in the bedroom. Its worse than having kids!
Iāll. read all the replies later. Thank you for them. For now, im just surviving. Doing my best to support my parents as they have supported me. And after that ill deal with all the bulls**t of him drinking again in my flat. I want him gone now. Ill miss the company but he couldnt even not drink for one day to support me when im on the end of everything i have.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
I just love the picture of little mable...she is a cutie yes and cannot fix alcoholism either. You got literature MizzB? How about spending quiet time reading and then come back to the board. I learned to do something other than anything attached to the insanity. Bleah!! Go read and meditate. ((((hugs))))
((Mizz)) My dogs are much better company than an active A. They love me unconditionally. While they can't really help a great deal with chores etc, outside of my HP and fellowship....they give great hugs and keep me warm. Hugs for you to possibly find a pet sitter.....I'm just hiring one today to come by our cabin while we are out fishing soon. It's not bad......$12.00-$25.00 for them to give meds, walk and visit. This is at a tourist/fishing town so the rates are pretty high. It's Summer vacation for kids......there are some these days that are still trustworthy and would LOVE to have a JOB! Just a thought to throw your way.
