The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yesterday I had prepared a bbq to bring to my parents. My dad had also prepared a good bit of stuff. This was all for the BIL and three kids. When I got there I got the message that they weren't coming as the oldest wanted to catch the 6pm bus to Dublin.
There should be no big surprise there as there are always changes of plans (they were supposed to visit my parents the day before). Anyway, what I'm wondering is why I had such and extreme physical reaction. I totally sank and felt depressed. I simply couldn't mask it. It wasn't helped by the fact that my mother started into a tirade of negative stuff (she is the 'official' alcoholic in our family and I really don't like her that much but I make a dutiful effort). Also, the girls had whinged most of the way to their grandparents so I was already stretched by the time I got there ( it was a one hour journey in the heat).
But I couldn't cover it up and felt so despondent, heavy, annoyed but mainly deeply depressed. I had such a heavy feeling on the front of my head and my mouth totally dropped. I could feel that I simply didn't have it in me to make an effort or to smile. As we left later I apologised for my demeanour. We did have a bit of a chat about it all so everyone knows that these behaviours unfairly impact others.
To make matters worse for me, by the time I got home my husband started into me about our finances. I had phoned him earlier in a desperate effort to buck myself up so he knew I was at a low ebb. But I got abuse instead of support (his dad was alcoholic). We made up later, he travelled to work last night, I had a night's sleep and I feel back to myself today tg. I feel bad for being so dragged down in front of my kids and family yesterday.
I have a renewed desire to read the AlAnon literature, go to meetings, write here on the forum and start working the steps. I went to a meeting last Friday morning and went to do some grocery shopping after. I floated around the shop and all was well in the world ... until I got home and met the challenges of daily life. I feel sure that this feeling of serenity (assuming that's what it was ) will last longer the more I tune into the steps etc. I have been reading the two books each morning. I tried to log into an online meeting here on Sunday morning to no avail so I will have to look at the login more closely. I also see someone has put up a new thing for working the steps so I will be making a point of visiting that later today or tomorrow. Have to start somewhere!!!
Thanks for reading.
-- Edited by Faintly Falling on Monday 28th of May 2018 05:07:36 AM
Hi Faintly I am so sorry that you were disappointed regarding the BBQ and the chat room . Alanon offered me great tools in order to learn to interact with others, such as letting go of unrealistic expectations and detachment. The slogans such as :"keep it simple" Let God and Let god' helped
The chat room entrance is a little complicated . When you log into the chat room space down to the bottom of the screen and you
will see this:
Chat Now Choose a nickname
mib_mh7lzp
Submit long just choose a name for chat, type it in - hit enter and you are in the room . In chat you will find others if you . space over and on the right side of screen you will see others listed. at the bottom on the screen at the left side you will find a a long blank space to type in-- . Type in "HI " hit enter and the room will respond Good Luck
Hello FF-Depression is a physical and emotional experience. Many people describe the heaviness as you did, as though there is lead in their arms and legs. Because your body kicks in all kinds of hormones to cope with it, it involves the whole body.
I want to suggest you not be so hard on yourself. You felt the way you felt and all of us have low times. We must be kind to ourselves and not repeat abuse that was done to us, including verbal and psychological. Keep coming back. It sounds like Alanon did you a world of good, Lyne
Depression in and of itself can be the sickness, or it can be the byproduct. I am not a medical professional so I can't speak to anything beyond that. However, knowing that can give you an advantage. Look at your role, your contribution, what you are doing -- first, check your motives. You have to be brutally open and honest about that. Second, check your expectations. Again, you have to be brutally open and honest about that as well. When you do something for someone else -- were you vested in the outcome? Were you doing for fun, for free, with no vesting or expectations? If you were, then disappointment can happen but it won't consume you and shouldn't manifest into depression.
Even with no big surprise -- disappointment is an opportunity to look at ourselves. We can detach -- prior to -- and that can help us. We can do something, if it is healthy for us, and do it with no expectations, such that we are doing it without a tie to the outcome. Perhaps if you were OK before this whole thing, your mother's tirade would not have had as much of an impact. Maybe, maybe not. We have to be healthy so that we can face these issues -- issues of life.
Then, you get home, you face your husband and his "stuff" -- which also can impact you -- to what extent, is up to you. That's why we are here. LOL. Expecting support may be unrealistic. Even more, it might be unhealthy! It's not about his dad, him, etc. -- it's about YOU.
So, don't beat yourself up. Move on. We don't live in the rear-view mirror -- we live looking forward, ahead, at what's in front of us, through the windshield. There's a reason why the rear-view mirror is so small and the windshield is so big! LOL. Learn and move on. Keep doing. Don't beat yourself up.
You have your track in front of you to follow -- meetings, working the program, working the steps, readings, and so on. Focus on that -- laser-precision focus -- and you will take one step forward. One day at a time. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Aloha (T)...you did soooo well with this and included the inventory of what your part in it is and was. Giving grace and mercy to others involved that you could have more easily blamed and roasted is something I was also taught and practice and the outcome for me seems to also be the outcome for you...We let go much more easily and the solutions arrive more quietly and firmly. You have received lessons and passed them on and for me I am grateful.
I know for me that often under these conditions I expense a lot of mental and emotional energy, a habit that will continue as I seek progress knowing that I won't readily entertain perfection at all and need to reassure my expectations of that. My wife is off shore in the u.s. and cued me into the Warrior basket ball game of yesterday. We are fans with our own programs. She does not have as much control over her expectations as I do. I refuse to attempt control over that which in recovery fact I have been taught I don't have so I relax and let them play the game while I watch and laugh and clap and cheer and also express disillusionment with. We watched and then talked a bit about the outcome and I sent her my equation to support me when I have no control...LG2....(Let Go and Let God). It works when I work it.
Depression.for me has many triggers. I had a few stressors last week. Appointments that did not go well. People certainly do let us down. One of my core character traits was to be a #people pleaser# I was pretty good at working out what others needed. I had a real investment in being generous. I was really
attuned to others
In theory knowing what your triggers are is a big plus. You know what the shaky ground is. I am a lot more careful what relationships I invest it. I am able to moderate my expectations. For me being realistic about expectations was very difficult. I felt betrayed if I went anywhere near being reasonable.
Over time I.have got a lot kinder to myself. I got triggered last week. I still get triggers. What is different us I can be kind to myself when I.dip.down. I don't rely on others too m7ch to be in tune with me. That was also a very hard practice to examine
Maresie
Some added info...When I was attending college taking course work on the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction we would at time do work on mental/emotional and one of the things I got from this section was that a definition of depression was "anger turned inward". At times that made sense to me and I used it in my alcoholism counseling sessions which worked for me. Powerlessness would increase my anger and expressions of anger which often were directed at myself. (((hugs)))
) will last longer the more I tune into the steps etc. I have been reading the two books each morning. I tried to log into an online meeting here on Sunday morning to no avail so I will have to look at the login more closely. I also see someone has put up a new thing for working the steps so I will be making a point of visiting that later today or tomorrow. Have to start somewhere!!!
