The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about this disease and denial. We learn in Al-Anon that while the alcoholic may be in denial about their drinking, many of us who have been affected by this disease deny our problems as well. Although we have possibly been living in chaos and worry, full of self-doubt and depleted in so many ways, many of us acted and pretended that all was fine.
We learn about honesty in recovery. We learn to answer, "How Are You?" with real words vs. "I'm fine." We learn that honesty is refreshing and we are allowed to not be fine!! We don't have to launch into a detailed description of all our concerns or joys - not always desirable or appropriate - yet we can consider the real answer to the question, and be free to answer without leaning back into denial. We are free to be as we are.
Today's reminder -- How do I feel today? How am I doing? If I can answer those questions truthfully, I am more likely to pursue the help I need and to share the happy times with others as well.
Today's quote from The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage -- "We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest with ourselves and with others."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am one who intentionally hid the chaos and insanity from others. Perhaps also from myself to some extent. I would consider some insane incident, and at times, dismiss in a manner such as -- "all families have some level of dysfunction..." What I came to realize is that perpetual chaos and insanity breeds more and I was spiritually, emotionally, physically and mentally bankrupt. I questioned my own reality and sanity often as a result of this disease.
The biggest form of denial I uncovered through Al-Anon is that I was not part of the problem, and if my loved ones entered recovery, all would be well. This is far from the truth and more obvious to me today than before. When I changed my focus from them to self, and learned to stop reacting, many things improved in my life without anybody else changing a darn thing.
As I learned how to be truthful about my feelings and say what I mean but not say it mean (or full of frustration, rage or emotion) I felt heard for the first time in a long while. If I am 'adult' and 'calm' with my words, they seem to land much better.
I am grateful I found recovery and that our family is in a better state. Things are far from perfect, but we are all moving forward and I feel blessed that a power greater than I was able to restore my sanity.
Happy Friday all - I am off to golf again this morning! One would think/hope my game would improve since I am golfing everyday - ha.ha.ha.....those pesky expectations! Make it a great day.
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi IAH Denial was my "go to tool" before program-- Learning to not" react" and to "respond "by using the slogans and detachment, minding my own business and staying in the moment helped to remove my denial and to implement new tools such as responding to the topic with wisdom and courage and listen with an open mind and non judgmental manner. Denial was my way of not dealing with situations and feeling better about my life and world . Thanks for your service N ENJOY YOUR DAY
Thank you, IAH for your service and your brilliant share!
Thanks to Betty for her words of wisdom as well.
"I'm fine." "We're fine." "All's good."
These were my go-to slogans while living my life with an addicted loved one. It was through Al-Anon that I realized that I was living in a state of denial. First about the denial of the presence of the disease itself, then denial about how bad it was, then denial of how much it affected my kid, and finally, denial about how unhappy I was. I lived my life with a mask on. A "happy" mask. Through Al-Anon I have come to understand my part in maintaining the disease... not an easy pill to swallow, since I was the one with the most collateral damage. But the slogan, "When we know better, we do better," really helps me here!
Today it is easier to ask myself, "What is my part in this?" and to be able to answer MYSELF truthfully. Many times, I need no part in it. Sometimes I have to own up to my behaviors or reactions.
Enjoy your morning of golf, IAH!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks to all above. I relate 100%. Denied I had a problem, hiding the truth from others, etc. I'm thankful for program every day. I'm learning a new way to exist which is more open, more honest, more focused on myself and off of my A, and slowly taking steps which have scared me in the past. I'm improving all the time. Progress not perfection, Lyne
Thank you IAH! I too parked at denial. I did it for a very long time and still, I visit there from time to time. Hiding the insanity from others........yep, and only recently have given voice to some of the real life things going on here with my family. It really has opened eyes, yet also opened doors to better, more honest communication. It sure is easy to say "I'm just fine" isn't it!? LOL!!!
Hope you have a great day and enjoy your golf! Sunshine here and that is an awesome thing in itself:)
Thanks for your service, IAH, and the ESH above. I too lived in denial of alcoholism in my ex-abf for some years. Also I learned to deny my feelings or thoughts, especially if I labeled them as bad. So what happened partly because of denial, I went the path of complete craziness, where deep down I would feel or think one way but vehemently and very strongly convinced myself and maybe others too that I was feeling or thinking another way because I couldn't accept what was since it wasn't what I wanted it to be. I may have ended up in a pshych ward. Sometimes I think, ah, it wasn't THAT bad, but it was going that way for sure and it probably was exactly that bad. I'm slowly getting better thanks to this program, for which I'm very, very grateful. I hope everyone has a pleasant weekend! Thanks for being part of my recovery, all.
Great shares all - thank you for the ESH! I have finished 99 holes of golf since Sunday.....that's a lot of golf - I am grateful I am in decent physical shape. Softball starts next week - clearly I am in denial about how to continue my new hobby (golf) with my love (softball). Of course, I took up golf with the intent of retiring from softball. I have 'others' suggesting I'm too old to keep playing (well meaning people, still not their business) softball and then there is a 'me' in here in denial of my age/stage of life. I suppose as with all things, I will know when I know.
I am so grateful that Al-Anon gave me back 'me'. I could go into great details as far as my own insanity - what it was like, what happened and what it's like now...but all I know is I really, really hated my life before and today, I love my life. (((Hugs))) to all - may everyone have a safe, enjoyable weekend!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Wonderful shares and WOW.....99 holes of Golf?? My bf would be jealous!
I honestly think I'm in denial about my age, haha. My body is 48 but I try to do stuff that a 28 year old does and I expect the same results, too....go figure!
I love what was shared here because I am so grateful that when I go through denial, I can recognize it and try to right the ship, so to speak. The tools have given me insight into myself and how I relate to those around me, which is often not very healthy but I'm still grateful I can see now. It's all a process!
__________________
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
So, so right - tis a process! Great photo girl....love it! You look awesome - from your trip? (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
God this post and the shares caused me to feel close to hyperventilating as the memories came back to view. Aline especially as you seemed to be reading my inventory of what it was like and how I reacted. When I was working with my VA counselor, he asked me one session how I was feeling about an event I went thru with a female partner and where I was treated with disrespect. My response was I feel like sh*t to which he responded, So you feel like a lump or warm smelly poop that the dog left in the yard? I looked at him like he was crazy before he responded, "Sh*t" isn't a feeling...it is a thing". So I got a send change at an answer and seethed...I am sooo freaking angry I could just beet the crap out of anyone"!!! Before our next session he told me "I need to have an agreement with you, that if I ever say anything that makes you angry you do not cross this room and assault me". I was so stunned and hurt that a person who was trying to help me heal and get sane had to ask me not to harm him. We became fast allies and on several occasions he asked me to take the part of therapist for him. I've been blessed...what a feeling. ((((hugs))))
