Hey Dutchy - good for you all (family, you and your guy) that you had another good weekend! I can tell you that this disease had me in a 'second guess mode' often/always especially when things were going good. It took me a long time to truly stop looking at the past and towards the future and to really embrace today. All that you ask and wonder about are valid yet the answers are unknown and would be with or without the disease.

I've got a great friend who has cancer. She battled once and it's returned and has spread. The prognosis is truly unknown and surgery is scheduled in a couple of weeks. She says that she's not afraid to die but is afraid to leave her son (still in HS). We've talked and talked about all that we can and the consensus we came up with God's in control, and she's not dead yet so we have to embrace today....as that's all we have.

As far as the mess when he's around, my best suggestion is to consider doing inventory - what do you do different when he's there vs. not there? Why? And the like. It's possible chores are set aside just because the time together is short. These types of inventories for me help me determine if the change I am making is acceptable to me based on my needs and motives or if I am people-pleasing/being co-dependent again. I try hard today to manage things I can with the facts available instead of assuming or with my emotions. It helps me feel I am 'adulting' better....LOL.

Keep doing you - more will always be revealed! (((Hugs)))

(((Dutchy))) - for what it's worth, my brain processes the swirling thoughts way better if I can write them down. There is something for me about having 'it' in black/white that helps me 'see' what's more real and what's my brain on overdrive. I have to be reminded and remember that this disease really affects the way my brain processes things, and the more I lean into recovery, the more I can separate what is from what I want it to be....I don't know if that makes sense but writing is a great tool for me and my recovery.

I too like things neat and tidy...to the point where I was obsessive about it when my boys were small. I was in the 'perfect mode' often/always, and in looking back, feel like I missed quality time with them because I was cleaning, organizing, tidying, etc. I am getting better at allowing some things to wait for me and living in the moment, but it's still hard...

We are empty nesters now, and since I am no longer 'setting an example' for my guys, I am more comfortable than ever with letting things wait for me. It's kind of funny actually but it's working as I am calmer! Keep doing you - and keep leaning in. (((Hugs)))

And now I feel my doubts are founded. Husband phoned earlier and I am worried. He doesn't like his line manager. She took the promotion which wasn't given to him becsuse he was an active alcoholic who seizured regularly at work. He said he sent of photo of her to his sponsor and I realised he was angry, there was resentment. She asked ehat he thought of her new hairut and he lied his way through a compliment whilst thinking amd wanting to say the complete opposite. He feels angry with himself for now being honest, for lying when he is trying to be this new person and working hard on himself to be a better sobrr person. Not helped by the small seizure he had on Saturday. He told me he thought he last saw me Thursday last week and that he'd had a good time......only when I told him he spent the weekend with us and he seemed to be much happier and came across at ease, did he remember that he was here He sounded deoressed. Ready to give up. He doesn't want to livr with seizures. Convinced they are only going to get worse not better even though his doctors have told me differently. Thry have consistently tolde if he stays sober, stops smoking and lives healthy the seizures will become less. On one hand I am worried he will relapse now. He hadn't eaten yet, was still moving his mums stuff around and dealing with her builders whilst she went of on holiday this morning. It's not my issue if he relapses. He 's not in my house right now and I can't help it. I can let it go. I feel worried for him as he doesn't seem to get over some issues. He sees his sponsor tomorrow (he should do anyway). He reiterated he loved me, wants to be with me but it's not as easy as to just move bck in and I can see why. I was his psychologist for the evening, what was he for me this evening? Not much. I pray he will take care of himself and that tomorrow is a better day for him

Ah thank you MizzB! I am confident we will be fine! My hisband has been through residential rehab and has come out a lost person. His first relapse was after 67 days and the second was 2 weeks ago when he felt really depressed about his situation, lack of memory, things he's done wrong, futures he's messed uo. He thinks so little of homself right now that that is bringing hom towards a relapse even though we had 2 really good wekends and a lot of heaking was done. Infortunately due to the seizure he doesn't really remember last weekend and when I told him I could almost feel his pain through the phone. This is also something I can't help with. I can text him encouragement, loving words but it won't help. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

It still takes a lot of hard work every say to keep myself like me. This forum and my therapist are a huge help! I am sure you will get there too! (((Hugs)))

AH and I did the marriage counseling thing early for quite some time. She was very good and in our case, really centered in on communication. Prayers that it will go well for you too. :)

IAH......the way you word things! I'm going to start writing (on word) more. The "time" thing is something I would love to do better. And, we are short on time here. He leaves early, gets home late (long drive) and most nights are with him 2-3 hours before I hit the hay and he goes to his "cave thing." Hugs to everyone and you are ALL teaching me so much in so many areas to look at!!!

Thank you Iamhere! It must be difficult for him to have to deal with seizures big and small when he is trying his best. I'm sure it feels like punishment every time he has one. Trying so hard and still..... The memory loss also seems to bug him a lot. Some memories do come back but I also feel he will have to accept some things will keep happening for a while and to be brutally honest, he did drink himself brain damage and is also reaping the consequences of that and unfortunately brain damage isn't fixeable. These are all realisations he has to live with together with trying to deal with normal life and its issues. When he phoned yesterday he still didn't sound much like himself. And I asked if he was ok and he instantly got annoyed/angry and said I should stop asking because he moved on from his depressive state from Monday night. I felt I was allowed to be worried after our last conversation and didn't feel that he could just turn all annoyed at me and angry after not answering an email regarding our daughters therapy session (I need hum to look after the girls so I can meet the therapist). He said he was busy and is dealing with his mums builders now she's on holiday and it's not going well. That doesn't mean that he can just not treat me as a normal person. It would've beem nice to discuss it and work it oit but he was so annoyed and I think also angry that I wished him a good night and ended the phone conversation. My codependent me was instantly worried that now everything that went so well and that we've worked for was out of the window and all is bad between us now and the rebuilding efforts have taken a massive tumble. I needed to bring myself back and concentrate on me and leave him alone. Every relationship has its ups and downs and with us it's unfortunately difficult to talk things out with with my husband in recovery as well as the brain damage taking away some possibilities. I wrote about itin my Step folder I now have and it helps and it helps putting it out here too. I do wonder what he really gets out of still being at his mums (they are now in AirBnB). She is always out or in holiday and thinks he is doing brilliantly. She doesn't know he lapsed twice ( both 1 evening) since February but I feel she is not really helping either and I wonder if it is really helping him.

Thank for sharing Faith40. You are absolutely right. I need to let it go, I am not perfect and so my compulsion doesn't have to be perfect either. (((Hugs)))

Thank Bud, it's really hard as I feel I am doing bad when I get annoyed and upset that he hasn"t once asked this week how I am or the girls. That he has resorted to 'business' texts only and he hasn't phoned since Tuesday evening. Clearly his week isn't going well and he hasn't got his emotions under control. I refuse to contact him. Tonight is our first couples counselling with the new counsellor (25 years sober himself) and I kind of feel I want to show him I am annoyed at the lack of interest from him on the other hand....I should be strong. It's scary that this Friday will be my second to last therapy session for myself.

Thank you Bud! I feel you see way more in me then I do! I would love to have a sponsor but it's too difficult to get to face to face meetings.

 

The counselling session with the new counsellor made me furious. Not because of the counsellor, he was quite good and really pleasant and comfy chairs but my recovering alcoholic was the one I got angry, annoyed and upset with. All feelings I probably shouldn't have. But so much so that I refused to give him a ride to the train station and made him make his way to his mums (who is not home anyway) alone, the whole 2.5 hours of it. And I don't care. I'm really sorry but I was just done with it tonight.

There was a blatant ignorance about my feelings and needs. he doesn't have a clue

First, what I already knew as my husband had gotten quiet over the week....he relapsed the day after I spoke to him on the phone and he was depressed (I wrote about that earlier). This wasn't a surprise to me and so it didn't really do anything for me. 

What I really didn't like was that my husband was defensive, short and quietly argumentative. Acted like what was going on was normal and we all just had to take it. I recognise this very much as behaviour after relapse. I was surprised however as with the last relapse something completely different happened. He was humble last time, open, communicative and now he defensive, short and anxious. 

We were asked to be one another so I was my husband and my husband was me and we had to say what we needed from the other. I went first and said, as I was being my husband, that i needed time and space to work on myself, no pressure, that I didn't the stress I currently have with work and my mothers builders. I need things to move slowly and carefully at a time and space that I feel comfortable with and when I feel ready. 

My husband then said I hit the nail on the head. He then had to be me.....he said that I wanted to move out of London but had children happy in school but I wanted to move to Holland but maybe not. That I wanted a fun an happy life and that I want to be with my family. That I want things back to normal and I want it all to happen now.

He couldn't have been further from the truth. The only thing he got right was the fact that I do want to be with my family. We spent the whole of last year planning to be transferred back to Holland when at the last minute that didn't happen. I have found peace that move to a different country is not what my husband needs right now and yes our eldest is happy at the school she's at but I also know we can't be in this rental forever and we can't afford to buy in this area. It is something I have to calculate in when the contract ends at the end of the year, I am not asking my husband to be involved in that. I have been working hard at taking things slowly and a day at a time and it's taken me a lot of therapy and effort, thought and AlAnon to get to the space I am in now.

The subject came up of why he was at his mums. My husband was clearly still angry that his mum and I decided it was better he spend some time at hers before rehab as we got a threat from Social Services. He sees it as me throwing him out of the house. He then went to rehab and made the choice to stay with his mum. Now the question is: what doe it bring him to still stay at his mums place? He says that now he spends his weekends with me and the girls that his mum is quite sad as she got used to having him around and is quite liking having him around (even though they don't see each other a lot as she is often out at night or on holiday) and he feels bad for leaving her completely when he comes back to move in with us again......why is it about his mums feelings? Then he said that he wanted to be ready to move back in. It means change and change is difficult. It means different AA groups and meetings, it means that he has to adhere to my routine. Why would he adhere to my routine? Shouldn't we be doing what we want and need to do. I do the girls and he gets ready for work and goes to work. If he wants to go to AA in the evening then why would I stop him? My only thinking is is that if he were back here for definite we would be able to talk through our day and may be of some support for each other. 

He called my routine easy.....something he hasn't said for a very long time. My routine is by no means easy. We have dance classes several days a week, swimming classes, school and nursery, my therapy, couple counselling and I need to find childcare for this two and for the times I want to go to the gym. When does he arrange childcare? He doesn't even arrange dates. So why am I the one still working harder for this marriage than he is? Why wouldn't I just tell him to move in with his mum indefinitely and call it a day? 

I have to jump through hoops to make the days work and get some time for myself and am reliant on other people. He doesn't have any of that and still thinks my life is easy. 

I kept my cool in therapy. My husband did most of the talking about his brain damage and how long he'd been drinking for. He doesn't have to come back if he doesn't want to. I realise that me wanting to offer support as in him coming back, he might talk things through more and would be able to give his bad feelings a place but it's not my place to arrange that for him. I had to do it myself. I am doing it myself now by putting out here late at night and I will discuss it tomorrow in my therapy session. 

Am I unreasonable....maybe. Am I angry because I didn't get what I want....yes and no. Am I upset because I am still doing more work than he is and do I feel I have then fallen back into dependency? yes. 

I've not felt like this for a long time. 

-- Edited by Dutchy on Thursday 17th of May 2018 04:26:58 PM

Thank you Bud, this family truly means everything to me and have helped me massively in my own recovery.

 

My own therapy session this morning was very good.  Due to the brain damage my husband may not even remember that we discussed certain issues and moved on from them and so in his head they keep cropping up as an unresolved issue. That said he could also be too selfish and elf absorbed to actually pay attention to me. I have to constantly remind myself that I am dealing with a teenager. When it comes to his concern towards his mum when he spends the weekend here (even though she's out for diner most nights and on holiday regularly) might come from his teenage self. When I was anorexic I was very drawn to my mum and did a lot with her and made her look after me. It's funny as they never really had a relationship and his mum definitely isn't the 'mothering' type. As well as his inability to rationally solve issues, discuss things, move on from problems, be responsible about life and finances. This behaviour, when things don't go well, gives the disease a perfect opportunity to draw him back into active alcoholism. He doesn't have the tools yet to deal with relapse, to deal with the memory loss or the seizures (how many times have I told him that the longer he stays sober and looks after himself, the less seizures he will have, maybe once or twice a year). My husband feel embarrassed, angry, annoyed, upset, a failure (I think) and is unable to move on even though I continued to try and keep a good weekend. Unfortunately he doesn't remember it anymore and is only left with bad feelings. 

I am starting to wonder wether he should be on his own for a few years and try figure things out. Because how long am I willing to do this? Will he ever mature with the brain damage that he has? Will he ever be the loving husband and brilliant father he has the potential to be. Does he want it at all? I don't want to be kept hanging and I do want to move on with my life. I decided with my therapist that we'd see how our trip back home will go and how the holiday in France goes and then I can make a decision.

I texted my husband this morning that even though the past week was difficult and last night wasn't ideal he is of course more than welcome to come tonight and stay the weekend as planned. He didn't take his stuff to work (like a teenager would do) and isn't coming tonight and I am fine with that but I don't think it's any good if he comes tomorrow afternoon and leaves 24 hours later. I suggested he'd stay until Monday morning. We agreed to have phone conversation tonight and I've just written 2 pages of what I want to say about yesterday , about his compassion towards his mum and his lack of compassion towards me and that I feel something needs to change in what he is doing. Hoever scary change can been and he wants to be ready for it, clearly whatever he is doing now is not helping, it's making things worse. He can work to get a happy life back and show me that he wants to or he can stay in this limbo of trying to recover, finding happiness, making a mistake and relapse with all the consequences. It's not something I wish for him to do for the rest of his life but I do have needs and he clearly doesn't have clue what they are.

Regardless of what he thinks (he said yesterday I have an easy routine and life) my life is busy, I rely on others and I do struggle too. My days are long, sometimes they are nights too, I applied for an online teaching job, there is always something going on with the girls clubs wise, a household needs to be run, counselling to be attended and management is becoming m strongest point. And somehow I like it like this, I love being a mum but not like this where I am carrying a husband too and I don't want to slip back in dependency. I can't change him, I can try and extend knowledge, a helping hand but he has to do it himself. I still stand by my post last night and my anger. And I am fine with the fact that I didn't handle it well as I've learnt a lot more since then but am now faced with more questions and choices for myself. As always we will see what our phone conversation brings and we will work from there. I've got a lot of fun things planned for me and the girls, he is welcome to be a part of it properly or he can be on his own for the weekend Whichever he prefers.