Kady, welcome to the Board!

I'm an ACOA, codie & have been in & out of Al-anon for 22 years.  I am grateful the Program has worked so many miracles in my life & brought me back to life.

You were quoting me, I just posted those words on another's post.  If you have never gone to a meeting, find one in your area & pick up a pack of pamphlets for beginner's to our wonderful Program.  Read them.

Like I sd on the other response I had to read A Guide for the Family of the Alcoholic over & over before I could let go of the anger, anxiety & guilt that I have lived in for 38 years.

To me alcoholics/addicts are the same thing.  I have dozens in my family tree, every form of abuse you could imagine has occurred in my family history. 

A's hate themselves.  Addiction is a disease, they come across a substance or alcohol & the are like "allergic" to it & it sets the disease off...  they can go numb.  They don't want to face their feelings, how could they want to face yours? 

They struggle in guilt & shame terribly.  Hurt ppl, hurt ppl & this is how the cycle of abuse continues.  It takes a lot of strength, dedication, courage, willingness, desire & fortitude to break the chain of abuse. 

I am 38 & my mother verbally abuses me.  Last July we found out that her husband an alcoholic had been cheatting for 15 yrs of his 26 yr marriage to my mother ~ I am an only child & was raised by one parent!  I wanted to kill him, literally...  this is what sent me like a lightening bolt back into Al-anon.

When I was 17, I went to AA/NA mtgs w/ my best friend from childhood, she was an addict & chose sobriety.  At that time I had left the state (run away) from my mother & step-dad, I was away for a year.

My friend did not want to go to mtgs alone.  She threw herself into her Program, it was like she substituted her addictions for the Program itself.  Some days I went to 3 mtgs a day w/ her.  She carried her blue Big Book with her, her journal & the steps/traditions book with her everywhere.

That was how I found Al-anon, 21-22 years ago.  I sat in on many closed meetings, (invited in of course).

I heard A's say things like, from the first moment I did this  or that, my life was in the devil's hands & that they had no control.  Their minds & lives consumed with their next fix.  They said that if an addict gets caught (in the act of something) backs to the wall, they will only admit to 1/3 or 1/4 of the truth if you are lucky.  The are master manipulators & liars.

If they can blame you, get u mad or hurt you, they can blame you & sink deeper into their disease...  they wake up feeling more guilty for their behavior & hating themsleves more, cannot face themselves...  take it on on whoever is their closest enabler.  Yes, they make you upset to enable them to have a justification to not accept responsibility for their actions, to avoid the consequences of what they are doing to themselves.

It takes a lot of work to "break in an enabler" you have to get to know someone, what makes them tick, what pushes their buttons.  Of course they want you there to blame otherwise, they might have to face themselves!

I couldn't accept that is was a disease until this passed summer, that is b/c I can have a glass of wine & walk away.  They want to be "normal."  They can't stop themselves, this is their compulsion, this is their disease.

You can find the Big Book on-line to read, I skimmed through it once 20 years ago, or you can buy one at a AA meeting or bookstore (in fact used books are way cheap on-line). 

I feel as though I have somewhat of an understadning of how they think b/c I have known so many & have so many in my family.

Since July, I am determined to change so that I do not atttract another A to me ever again.  I abhore liars, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than be lied to or have another A again.

I read my 12 Steps for ACOA's  & it helps a lot! 

In lieu of that, come into our chat room & ask some questions.  Usually there are 6 conversations going on at once but if u say "I'm new & need to talk" you will get some attention, ppl talking to you.

Just remember it is a chat room, ppl come in to vent & to goof off.  We are all at different stages of recovery, have idfferent specific backgrounds for the particular abuse we have suffered but all have a common understanding of abuse.

As co-dies or enablers (those that love A's) many of us have control issues, some are easy to control others very controlling.  For as much as we have in common, I'm still amazed at how different we are!

Chat room is open 24/7 there is a link at the top or go to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html I think you can get in either way.

We also have meetings on-line twice a day every day.  M-F 9a/9pm EST, Sat 10a/9p, EST, Sun 10 a/7 pm EST.  The meetings on-line are 90 minutes.

The Board & the room have been a life saver to me.  Ask some questions, get some literature.  PM or email me directly if u wish.

Love, -Kitty of Light

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

WWW.al-anon.alateen.org

Phone number is 1-888-425-2666

Alanon meetings 800-351-9996

Alanon literature Worldwide 888-425-2666

Alanon meeting info. 800-433-7266 AA info.

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

• Go face to face meeting & online meeting.


• post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

·        Set support system.  people do not judge.You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

• Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

 FOR HERE

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

I realize you are new & it is infuriating at first to think that you play a part in ANY of this.

ACOA = adult child of alcoholic/addict - this is how I was raised from day one my mother programmed me to tend to her emotional needs.  Since this is what I learned, as I aged, I attracted users, plain & simple.

But instead of taking it personally, like an insulting thing ~ {sorta sounds like what you mean, pls correct me if I'm wrong in my perception of what you mean(t)} but yes I take it personally in what the the 3 C's tell us in Al-Anon...

I did not cause it, I cannot control it, I cannot change it.

A's blame others - i refuse to take the blame for anyone's behavior or their consequences ever again!

I like to think of the 3 C's in a pro-active form:  I CAN control myself, change myself & "fix" myself.  Only I can do this, for me - no one else - at this point I am SO grateful, no one else can "make" me think or feel any certain way either.

I (think I already told u this) i tried suicide twice.  The first time i was 15 & went right into a private psychiatric hospital.  There in group & w/ "shrinks" I was told over & over again ~ my emotions are mine, they are inside of me.  I have to be a willing participant in how I experience them.  No one can 'make' you feel any certain way.

This was extremely difficult for me to hear at first as it is for everyone that's new to al-anon.  Most newbies come to "fix" their A's.  It takes 2 to be in a relationship.

True, we who love A's or were raised by them tend react & it seems like they are making us do something - this is how we suffer!  This is what we come to Al-Anon to overcome/change.  We learn to NOT focus on another person but to focus on us.

If we don't love ourselves FIRST - who will?  Well, in my esperience it has been A's....   I don't take it personally anymore, not as an offense because when I did that I WAS taking responsibility for someone else. Those days for me are completely over.

Sure I have a hard head - I've been in & out of al-anon for 21 yrs!  Fact of the matter is I had to face I played a part in the equation. Now I live alone w/ 3 cats.  I make a mess, no one complains or critcizes me or tries to demean me & it is NICE!

I just turned 38 last week...  since July 25, 2005 I recommitted myself to my alanon program.  I do not lie & there are lots of liars in the world that are not A's.  I neither want an A nor a liar in my intimate life. 

I was seeing a therapist for a while over the fall.  She told me a few valuable things...  (her husband cheatted on her & she was raised by an A dad & physically abused) she told me that when she & her husband broke up he wanted to remain friends.  She told him "my friends don't lie to me or betray me."  Well, neither do mine! 

She also gave me the analogy of A's being "psychic vampires that are unsatisfied within themselves so they draw or pull the love & energy out of you to give them justifications, energy... it is like you are their living host & they can never get enough."

This is true of my parents for sure, if I made a 98% I heard why is it not a 100%?  Nothing was ever good enough, fast enough, wtvr.  

When I landed back into Al-anon after a 19 year slip into my family disease of utter dysfunction...   yeah at first I took everything personally!  Everyone gently reminded me, it wasn't my fault & I can only be responsible for mysel;f & to think of myself, the A's certainly aren't.  A's think about their next "fix." 

All i know is, I will change wtvr I have to, to become a functioning adult able to cope & love myself.  I will never have an A again!  i certainly have enough in my family.

Girl, u keep quoting me, so I'll keep writing back to you ~ hang in there, try some meetings or check one out on line, come to our chat room...  it WILL get better!

God or your higher power as u understand it, wtvr u want to call the creator of all, the universe, the godhead...  well, there is a reason for everything. 

Hang in there, only you can help you.

My mom was raised by a physically abuse woman that drank way too much, no one in the family wants to say she was an A but in my heart/soul I believe she was.  We are only as sick as our secrets & that shame keeps us there.  I suffered for 30 years, now I'm doing the hard work to purge & get emotionally healthy.  I refuse to live in this chaos & pain anymore!  So I am doing what I can, changing myself.

love, -Kitty of Light 

If you strart the program and meetings you will learn how to dettach from their filthy behavior.  Walk away from fights with your lips shut and give them butt!!

If you go to meetings you will hear what others have tried and accomplished through the years.  I learned as much from listening to personal quotes as books.

We do not give advice, only our experiences, strengths and hopes for ourselves and from that you can weed out some of the same mistakes we made along our journeys.

This format  is great, but it really takes any Alanon program you can find to get you through, please get to face to face meetings, our meetings and join us for chat.  Our open chat can be a nice get away from everyday troubles.

Welcome to Miracles in Progress

Josey