The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey everyone. Itās been a while since Iāve posted. Thatās because things have been going moderately well. I just bought a house and my ABF and I moved back in together. This was a huge step because we hadnāt lived together in almost 2 years. I had left because of his drinking. Our summer went well and he had really seemed to manage his drinking. I know that heās still an alcoholic, but he refuses to consider himself that and thinks he can just control the amount he drinks. I am not in control of what he believes, so I decided I cannot let that bother me. As long as he does control the amount he drinks, we are fine. However, as soon as he moved in I found myself having to have a talk with him about how much he was drinking. He would have his drinks and then when Iād gone to bed heād get into my wine. We had these conversations 3 times. I no longer keep any extra wine in the house. Then, he was having a small bottle of brandy several nights a week. Although I disagree that someone needs an entire bottle of brandy, he was fine with that amount and did not get out of control or angry. Then he started drinking the brandy every night and then sometimes wanted shooters or additional drinks. Still, wasnāt getting angry or out of control but at that point I waited for a day he hadnāt drank and voiced my concerns. I made it clear that although he hadnāt gotten out of control or been mean, I could see where this was headed. He agreed and said heād stick to the one bottle and he wouldnāt do it every night. That has come and gone and he went back to drinking it every night, but didnāt go over the one bottle. Last night he went and got another bottle. He drank half of the second bottle. Twice I could see where he tried to instigate a fight. I know not to engage at that point because I didnāt want him to drink more or go out. He ended up going to bed early with me and he was fine. Today I asked him if we could have a brandy-free evening. He looked concerned and mentioned he hadnāt done anything wrong. I just stated that he told me he wouldnāt go over a bottle and he did and that it made me a little uncomfortable. I know later weāre going to have a discussion about it. I feel like I already said my piece about what I needed from him. He chose to take what he wanted from that. I canāt help but feel like Iām being controlling by asking him to do certain things. However, they are realistic things that definitely take his wants and needs into consideration. I feel like I donāt know how to talk with him about it without sounding like a complete nag. He also told me not long ago that he had been doing a lot of pills over the summer. So now I feel like the only time I was okay with his drinking is because he was secretly doing something else. I really love him and Iām not too good at tough love. Iām not sure what else to say. I just feel really discouraged.
I know I'm new here but I need to say that drinking is a progressive disease. My A wife does the same thing, over and
over. Stops for 1 or 3 days, drinks lightly for 2 or 3 days and then goes back to drinking enough to get blacked
out drunk. I was all for her cutting back until she
didn't hold back anymore. Fool me once, shame on me.
Fool me 17 times and the same thing, shame on me.
It's a disease and without proper motivation and
treatment, the disease just seems to get worse.
Madow and Dalbert, I understand what you are going through. I've been there. I tried to be reasonable and speak calmly when talking to my late AH about his drinking. My words never made a difference... but my actions did make a difference, eventually.
In short, learning from Al-Anon to detach and not to try to control his drinking but not enable it either... it was hard to learn and to change, but gradually I changed.
Here is a true story I can smile at now, but it was not funny then, to illustrate how hard it was for my AH to control his drinking. He would drink late at night, and when his favorite wine or gin ran out, would go to whatever else was available. I used to keep a small bottle of brandy in the kitchen cabinet, that I only used for cooking one particular recipe that I made every once in a while. The recipe called for 1 tablespoon of brandy, so that brandy could last for a long time. My AH knew this, and he really wanted to make sure that brandy was there when I wanted it. He made a label and pasted it on the brandy bottle: "This is Freetime's. Don't touch on pain of death!!" (His words, not mine.)
Guess what... one day I started to make my recipe, went to get the brandy, and ... it was gone. The disease was stronger than the sign he made for himself. It made me really angry then, but now it gives me empathy for how hard this was for him.
I adapted, and found out the recipe tastes just as good without brandy.
I can only say there is hope for you... keep taking it one day at a time and don't give up before the miracle happens.
Madowl -- welcome back to MIP boards. So sorry to hear of how the disease is affecting you....I can relate. It seemed like things would improve, I'd 'let down my guard' and then before I knew it, things were not nearly as good as I thought. And each day, all the while, the disease continued to progress. It's very powerful and I had to throw myself into Al-Anon to own that I am completely powerless over it and those with it.
I am grateful that Al-Anon did not tell me what to do, when to do it, etc. Instead, gentle folks shared their ESH and suggested tools giving me the freedom to try them as I felt strength. I agree with freetime - there is always hope -- just keep being gentle with you and stay present.
By the way, your post popped up twice, so I deleted the 2nd just so there wouldn't be two places for you to find comments! Keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hugs, (((madowl)))... I was in very similar place where you are and I'm sorry you are going through this. I talked probably a hundred times or more with my now ex-abf about his drinking. What neither of us knew at the time was that he couldn't control his drinking, and I couldn't control him. So his drinking continued to progress and my obsession with him continued to progress too, until I couldn't take anymore and finally sought help through Al-Anon... This was the best thing I could do for myself, though at the time I felt like this might be my last feeble straw.
I still struggle with a lot of things, combination of living with alcoholics since birth and some very poor behavior on my part in my teens that resulted in immense shame I've been carrying for more than 10 years... My point is, there really is help and hope in this program. When I think about what changes have happened to me since last January when I first came to Al-Anon, it is much, much more than I could have dared hope to get. While my ideal way would have been to just have an instant cure for all my problems, unfortunately reality just doesn't work that way, I'm learning. Recovery takes time and courage, but it is worth it, absolutely. My head is a more pleasant place to be in today than before I found this program.
I encourage you to go to face to face meetings if you aren't going currently... Regardless of what the alcoholic is or isn't doing, you deserve to be healthy and happy, and in order to be that we focus on ourselves, go to meetings, work on ourselves. This didn't make sense to me when I first came to Al-Anon, but it does now... Since I found the courage to ask a person to be my sponsor and started doing the steps I have seen the most rapid progress in my recovery...
