The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Attitude / Self-Love: The writer learned in Alanon that her attitude about experiences were more important than what happened. She had choices. She tried to arrive at happiness from others, but it left her feeling deprived and unloveable. Through working the Steps, she learned that she was lovable no matter what anyone else thought.
Today's Reminder: It's time to stop waiting for others to take care of me. The only person who can love me the way I want to be loved is me.
Quote from Alanon Faces Alcoholism: Gradually I accepted the fact that my "if only" wishes were not about to come true. But I also learned that I could be happy even if they didn't.
Today's daily is my story for sure. I depended on others to define me, and since many of those had addictions and their own problems, it left me in the gutter. It was a horrible way to go through life.
When I came to the rooms, all of this focus on me stuff seemed difficult to understand, absorb, and practice. But little by little the "Aha" moments came, and I that's why I keep coming back for more words of wisdom to practice and live by, Lyne
-heard at a meeting- "it's a selfish programme". I disagreed with this one. Not because it is not an Alanon slogan...
I made up my mind there and then- I did not want to be self-centred, I wanted to be centred on self.
I had very little sense of who I was.
I did need to love and care for myself. Without this one I was neither use nor ornament to other people, especially to those close to me.
I was burnt out from trying to gain praise and recognition from the A. I know now that my dad loved me and cared endlessly for me.
But the illness robbed me from hearing and seeing this. It was neither his fault, or mine.
Herein lay the solution of detachment. I can to get through a whole heap of anger and grief before reaching this point.
and through a whole heap of shyness and inertia.
I say "aha" too, Lyne- a hard won moment... and also "me too".
I see the similarities in our programme, and put aside the differences... I like to say "me too" inside the group... I like to say it when I hear the truth spoken.
...thanks for the share my friend, and for your service... ...
Thanks Lyne for the daily and your service! Thanks to you and David for your shares and ESH. I too spent a ton of life 'looking for love/acceptance/worth in all the wrong places'...I struggled to accept that taking care of me was the best course of action as it sounded like a foreign concept. I started small and nobody died and the world didn't end and continued on as suggested. Self-care is now more automatic for me and it actually has given me the courage and willingness to be of service to others.
Detachment allows me to love those with this disease without judgement, consternation and resentments. I can see them as flawed humans, just as I am. I will always be a flawed imperfect human no matter how hard I work this program - it's by design. I'm so glad that I can accept this and live accordingly - it helps keep my expectations in check and my days much easier.
The second part of the first step seemed less important when I first arrived. My life had become unmanageable - I see that now as an understatement! I was so focused on the first part (the disease and them) that I had to be told to pay close attention to the second part (I was unmanageable)...I'm grateful for those who came before me and helped me learn to accept myself, love myself and then work outside me for real serenity, growth and recovery.
Make Monday great all!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
We were made perfect in the eyes of God until we sinned and unfortunately we always will. I have always helped people amd been there for people whej I was young and I was either cast aside when no longer needed or, in high school, chased with a knife because itbwas thought fun.
It took my anorexia to learn to love myself and I moved to London where I took the time to find myself and be confident.
I startig to find that person again but I am not afraid to meet other and new people. I just need to learn to say no, ask for help and make sure I keep myself for myself.
Good Mornign Lyne Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I do believe that prior to program I attempted to "people please" at the expense of my own sanity and needs. Alanon embraced me, defects and all and suggested that I needed to keep the focus on my thoughts and actions in order to find exactly what I as doing to" HURT" myself. That made sense to me so I embarked on working the steps and accepted that that it was a "selfish" program whereby i would keep the focus on myself , interact with others using alanon principles so that my attitudes would change and I would grow into the person I was meant to be. I am grateful for these tools.
David G's statement that he no longer wished to be self-centered but to center on self reminded me of the observation I made years ago was that Al-Anon was not actually a self-help group but rather a help-for-self group. The differences are subtle but profound.
Interesting thoughts on this subject I have heard and accepted the fact that alanon is a" self acceptance" group and as such once we look and see what we are doing to injure ourselves, we can embrace program and implement change that is where detachment works best
Thank you for your service, Lyne, and all ESH above. I'm still very much learning and I believe I've only begun to understand this program. I used to rely almost exclusively on my ex-abf to make me happy... But as his alcoholism progressed I got less and less from him, but I kept trying to get it (whatever it was/is) anyway. I did not understand I am responsible for myself and it is my job to take care of myself, I felt like a victim and I didn't know there was a better way for me, but I probably wouldn't have been able to embrace the program before I was literally on a breaking point... My ego was and still is way too big for one gal, the difference is, I have reached my bottom and I don't want to go back to where I was. My way doesn't work, I tried very hard living life my way, and I broke. So now I'm learning to "let go and let God". I'm very grateful I found a way out towards some sanity and peace in this program.
I too have sometimes thought that focusing on me is "selfish", but I don't really think that anymore, because my "selfless" way was actually harming myself, others, and especially the ex-abf... I do not think I am exaggerating when I say I could have "loved him to death" had I continued on my course. I mean, I was the main alcohol supplier and courier for him for a long time... And my purpose wasn't to kill or harm him, but what I did came from lots and lots of fear, insecurity, feelings of shame regarding a particular period in my teens where I was so "sexually active", politely speaking, it's degrading and just all-round muddled-up thinking. Oh, by the time I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting I had mostly come to the point where I could say "no" to buying booze, regardless of any blame or rage, and stick to my "no". Actually, I remember well that I finally completely gave up on this endeavor when I had already found out about Al-Anon, and I was kind of thinking I would like to attend, and some sane part of me (also guilt) finally gave me the courage to stop bringing poison to my partner... I knew I would not be able to show my face in an Al-Anon meeting if I still continued to do what I did, but I knew I needed help because I felt I was going crazy. So in this regard I began to focus on myself, my part in the insanity, even before I stepped into my first meeting.
...thanks for the share my friend, and for your service... 
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